why do we stay

I was physically abused my my exhn and I would take physical abuse over mental abuse any day of the week. Hands down. I am stable but I really don't think I will ever be whole again. I stayed way too long. And I always said I would leave if he cheated, well, I finally found out and I left. My therapist said she wasn't even concerned with the cheating aspect, but rather all the abuse before that incident. The other night my kids and I were walking home from a concert here in our small town. It was very dark, and there were shadows in front of us of like people walking way behind us. Well, my 8 yr old was scared and said "mom what if someone attacks us", and it hit me. I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING ANYMORE. I have no fear of running into something or someone that is threatening, because I lived with the devil for 10 years. Isn't that almost sick? Last week I was at Walmart and this creepy guy kept following me from isle to isle and smiling creepy and I finally walked up to him and told him to knock it off, he was being creepy, and that I didnt know him and he didnt know me so leave me the hell alone. I wasnt scared in the slightest bit. And I also told him to get the hell our of my way, he was looking at the fruit snacks, I needed to uy snacks for my 3 kids....he was a predator and it pissed me off so bad. Nope, I am afraid of nothing and noone. my ex is 6'4 and 235 lbs. I have no fear anymore. I guess there is a big part of me that is now hardened. Sad.

While in no way do I believe physical abuse is "better" than the emotional kind, nor do I condone physical or emotional abuse in any way/shape/form...I do believe that physical is easier to prove than this mindfu****g I have been through. To the point that I did one time in marital therapy say to my exN husband "I wish you would just punch me in the face because then I would at least know what was happening." To which he responded in his ever so famous gaslighting way, while looking at the marital therapist, "See she wants me to abuse her." To which the mariatl therapist so spot on said "Were you not listening to her? That is not what she was saying." Punch me in the face any day of the week...at least I would know what was hitting me...punch me in my soul and then say that I am the abusive one (projection)...leaving me blindsided and confused on a regular basis and leaving those around me saying "He is such a nice guy I would have never guessed him to be how you describe him!" Give me a bruise to show the world what a worthless piece of sh*t you are! Instead I am left trying to prove to those that continue to place him on a pedestal that he is a worthless piece of sh*t!!!

Thanks for your compassion, Betty. That's what I've NEEDED to hear. While I'm still thankful that I never had sex with the ex-P (it certainly wouldn't have been lovemaking), there are still scars on my heart&soul. It only lasted 4 years. Tho it happened a decade ago, there are still scars. Thank you for acknowledging that it takes time to heal.

Hi Janine, There are no stupid questions, so don't even go there. Antisocial/psychopaths may hit, rape, harm random people, though that is far more rare, think Ted Bundy. Domestic violence is domestic violence. The batterers syndrome. Anyone can have that syndrome be it, alcoholics, narcs, sociopaths, or none of the above. Plus there are varying degrees of disfunction and or violence or lack of to all of these disorders. Different degrees on the spectum if you will. Sometimes there are social, environmental, educational background, and economic factors as well. There is a baseline, a spectum, and depending on what other disorders they may have, things play out differently. The bottom line is that for the garden variety Narc, it is all about them and they lack genuine empathy and if that is their primary modus operandi, you have a narc on your hands. Some have been known to only abuse certain people, those who they can "get away with it" or they may abuse all of them, though most test the waters before they hit you to see what you will take. My X abused me, we lived together. He did not abuse two of his prior gf's in that way according to them. Don't know about the other one's. One of them he lived with her parents so he may have been able to control himself and it was 10 years ago so he was younger and possbily not as angry, plus she told me she would have beaten him to a pulp if he touched her. The other one was not a live in so the stress levels are not as high with non living together arrangements in some cases, once again not all. Some are abusive on dates, some do it frequently some less often. I called the police just about everytime he hit me, so it was not like I was taking it, he kept coming back. Why this way with me and not all the other's, don't know for sure. There are no absolutes with this, it is usually a learned behavior and a stress reliever and a major form of control. Hope this answers your question and did not confuse you more. As you read up on these things on here and other places you will begin to see that they are all the same in many respects yet different in some. There are plenty of people on here who were not hit or left when that began as well as many who were. Mine was a N/P addict so I had my hands full with that one. He only lasted a little over 7 months and it was 7 months of sheer hell. Some of them even seem to maintain a sweet front for much longer, not my bad boy, he was pure rage and it was also all about him, him, and more him. Some of our stories and opinions are definitely more extreme, yet the way they make you feel seems to be similar. The great times, the crappy times, and the realization that they are not really who they pretend to be. This is one person's opinion and you will get many. Anymore questions, just ask. God bless, Goldie