The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



Forgive me for the new thread

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Jul 31 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
better off
better off's picture

"I have higher standards for

"I have higher standards for you??" What.A.Prick. Who the f**k is he to determine standards for you, period. He really does think he's God, that asshole! P.S. It's good to hear you getting MAD.
Jul 30 - 9PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

You will continue to feel

You will continue to feel better and the sooner you move the sooner you will be able to really deal with it all realistically. If you start looking for a new place to live perhaps the excitement of a new start, a new place and a new neighborhood will give you something to hope for and distract your mind away from the devil that lives next door. I worry about you and whether you feel that you do not deserve to be treated better than this. That you are punishing yourself because of something deeper. But I see you moving forward bit by bit. I always thought I had to wean myself off of mine and eventually I had had enough. I hope you are getting there. I'm so glad you are feeling calm. Stay NC. The rewards are worthwhile for your peace of mind. Set a goal. I will go NC for 3 wks, no looking out the window, no watching no causing myself so much agony. Start with that and be strong.

almostlydia

Jul 31 - 11AM (Reply to #19)
better off
better off's picture

I did that. I gave myself

I did that. I gave myself "permission" to contact if I wanted to after X amount of time. Then, when I got to that point, I would not contact anyway, and then give myself another goal... eventually I forgot about it!
Jul 31 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Congrats and weaning...

Helldweller, Congrats on your 3 days. I hope you keep it up. Keep us posted. Almostlydia, can you say a bit more about your weaning process? Did you wean off and finally get the internal signal that you were done? I ask because this is my approach. Going NC prematurely for me caused total obsession and depression. Total. For some, I think that weaning leads to an organic desire for NC rather than the need for sheer willpower. Any thoughts?
Aug 1 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

girlfriday

Thought I'd add what I did if it helps. I sort of did NC after I left him, although we have 2 small children, but court cases and restraining order meant it was partial NC. I looked at facebook which was a killer but I got to see the real him more. He knew I was looking as he checked my computer for nearly a year knowing the passwords. I still looked now and again and kept tags on him to a certain extent, so this was the weaning and it was gradual. Although everyone was saying don't look, it was as if I could gradually let go because he became a person with his own different life. I have to sometimes contact him directly due to children, but now it's so minimal. I don't use his name or mine ever, too personal. After 2 and a half years I'm done with even knowing anything about him. The children tell me stuff which I didn't want to hear, but now I just know it's all for effect and nothing is the truth so why bother wondering about him. It really is all lies. Now I'm totally weaned off him, I'm not interested in anything about him, even today I got 2 text messages, I can hardly be bothered to read them and they don't even register with me. I know I will be going back to court at some point about visitation. I'm just so bored of him, he's so insignificant and operates on such a low level, he has now just become a complete yawn to me.

Ending the dance

Aug 2 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Anotherpath

for the first time I'm believing that the day will come when I just don't care. Every day, it's like I see him with a few less "Hollywood lights" on him. Right this second it's like watching a bug die, and a teensy part of me wants to put him back on his feet so he has a chance, but another part just thinks, "Eiew. A bug" and step on him.
Aug 2 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Anotherpath

that's it exactly. He has been texting and calling again after six months of complete absence and it's as if I know the drill so well it's a freaking joke. I read on one the links someone posted that they are completely locked in time, they never progress - it was actually very humorous- referring to women N's that still dress like the cover of a 1970 women's magazine cover and think they are all that, etc... but after four years of the same bullsh*t it is a not only a joke but an easy opportunity to turn the tables and say FY in the most sincerest and direct way possible without any fear of being unwittingly dragged back in. I wouldn't recommend this necessarily but when you find that your KeN has been fu*king other men there is something very safe about knowing you are never going there again.

almostlydia

Jul 31 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

girlfriday

When i re-read my post, I see it may have sounded like the 'weaning' process was something that I purposely planned and did. But it was not. It was just the consequence of several painful years of break ups and reconciliations and a great deal of utter confusion as to what I was dealing with. I knew nothing like I know now and was dealing with something I absolutely could not understand. Each break up (always due to the cheating) would last longer and longer and in the process I got stronger and stronger. But it was excruciatingly heartbreaking in the beginning - worse than I could remember any heartbreak ever being in my life. I think that I probably could have succeeded years earlier perhaps if I had just known the reality of what I was dealing with and if he had not been SO relentless in his constant calling, texting, and appearances. It became a never ending cycle of my breaking up, him disappearing for days, then weeks, then months and then the barrage of calls, texts, appearances. At one point I actually became suicidal because I thought I would never be allowed to heal this devastating pain that was being played like a yo yo. I would almost be to a point of getting thru the days, feel some strength again, and then bam, he was mentally incapacitating me again. It didn't matter whether I responded or not, he got in my head because I still didn't have a clue what I was dealing with. I tried going NC a thousand times before I knew anything about what it was. He would get to me every time until finally one day I realized that it was the same words over and over again which always resulted in the same outcome and that I needed to break his access to me to end his mental intrusions and give myself some peace. It was a choice between continuing to suffer with him or suffer without him and give it a chance to ease up and finally end. I know now that this is the essence of what NC is about. Giving yourself the mental breather. I changed my cell number and was greatly relieved. Sorry to have been so lengthy. The other responses here were very good. There just is no magic method for getting thru this. I wish there were. You are so fortunate to have all this support and education here to know and see what you're dealing with. Only you can find the way to make it work for you. There will be peace and happiness again. I am not a big church going person but I am very spiritual, esp. now, and God showed me I could be happy again if I just gave myself the chance. I saw it briefly, and I believe it wholeheartedly.

almostlydia

Aug 1 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Thanks for the "weaning"

Thanks for the "weaning" comments Helldweller and Almostlydia. I was inquiring because I was the one who posted the thread "The Myth of No Contact" which had resonated with me so deeply. It had a link with an article about NC being more successful when it's an organic process rather than a prematurely forced one. A process that I often compare to an addict needing to hit a bottom. We know that if you just take the heroin away from the junkie out of the blue, they will not be in a head space for healing. They will obsess and inevitably relapse. The majority of the time, they have to hit a bottom, or have an intervention which manufactures that bottom. Then they are able to see how sick, painful and hurtful to themselves, and others, the cycle had been. This board used to espouse only one way... to go no contact immediately. I do not believe that this approach always works when you are only just beginning to see that there is a real problem. Cold turkey didn't work for me because I had things I had to figure out and resolve and more lessons to learn and internalize. For others, immediate NC could work because it gets you away from the brainwashing and manipulation long enough to see the sickness. BUT, sometimes even seeing the sickness isn't enough and we go back. I think that something eventually gets triggered, whether it's about a Coke(tm) or a picnic. I once hit my limit many years ago (with a non-narc loser) over a coffee! But when it's finally triggered, NC becomes a no-brainer. And it sticks. Helldweller, it seems like this is the case here. I hope you find and keep your peace.
Aug 1 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

girlfriday

There were differing opinions on that article when you posted it, but I was one that agreed with it. I think Helldweller is getting there as well - bit by bit. I just hate that sometimes it takes years to get there and then more years to get beyond. But it takes whatever it takes.

almostlydia

Jul 31 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

final straws

like you ,him disappearing, me thinking ime done this time, him coming back, crying begging, me going back,BUT, WHAT I BEGAN TO NOTICE THAT EACH TIME I WENT BACK, I HAD LESS AND LESS FEELING FOR HIM, AND ONE DAY TOLD HIM THAT, HE JUST LOOKED AT ME B/C I KNOW HE WAS THINKING WELL YOU ARE STILL HERE, i knew the day was coming when i wouldnt be able to bear,b/c it had got to the point i couldnt bear to be in the same room with him, then last year on the day i was with him, i looked at him and thought i am done, i didnt say it too him, and i didnt show in any of my actions, i just kept thinking ime done ime done,he said about have a meal, and i said no, i needed to get home now, he walked me to a taxi, and as i got in i looked at him and he was crying, i waved bye, and have never aknowlegded him since ,at first he ranted and raved, then it was the gentle approach, what ever he said or done i ignored him, until the one day i said its over you no longer exsist for me, yes he still tries, who care,s this board and members have been a godsend,this last three weeks, my nm, my exh and him have all tried again, i said to a friend ive scored a hat trick, i feel nothing for any of them .nearly 10months nc with nmen, nearly 10 years with nm, what a terrible journey, some days i will be saying to my self ime free, and i cant believe, i have no feeling for any of them.
Aug 4 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
baddream
baddream's picture

I know.

This is very similar to how it went for me. I went back and forth and was stuck in his cycle for 8 years. Then one day I looked at him and just KNEW I was done. I said good bye to him and cried a little bit. He just looked at me, maybe he understood this was the end? I never returned another text message or phone call.
Jul 31 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Used

Exactly. There were even nights that after days of hurting, I would take him back and then sit there on the couch next to him thinking 'damn, now I have to go thru another Fri night like this again, What was I thinking?' I used to say his light switch would just go OFF for me when he was in a new game of pursuit like he couldn't focus on me or anything except the new game. Well, my light switch is not only OFF now but completely disconnected. I can't believe it either but I am finally completely safe. BTW, haven't seen him since Feb. and he's out there circling again, calling and texting. Same old MO. And I don't feel a thing - not a single thing. It doesn't hurt, of course, that now every time I even think of him I don't see his face but instead that FB picture of his 'boy pal' OM and it turns my stomach!

almostlydia

Aug 1 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

almostlydia

There were even nights that after days of hurting, I would take him back and then sit there on the couch next to him thinking 'damn, now I have to go thru another Fri night like this again, What was I thinking?' Oh, god yes. This happened every single time. When we wouldn't talk and I'd be miserable and then take him back and we'd be sitting on my couch, as usual, late at night, getting ready to have nasty sex, shaking because my kids were asleep in the next room and I was worried they'd wake up, or that I'd say something to upset him, or whatever, and I'd think, "This is horrible. I hate this. I want him to go home. Helldweller, remember how horrible this is." But the second he was gone I'd want him back. So bizarre. I can't wait until I don't have these feelings anymore.
Jul 31 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

stomach

talking of stomach, his came in the door 2minutes before he did, ime not shallow and all about looks, but he was rotten, and that amazes me even know when i see his shenanigans, i think what did i see in him,i think part of it was b/c he appeared to be such an individual, and i liked that, but since coming here and reconising, something he said or done he not only is not an individual, he is not special either, how can he be its like they are all CLONED, i thought i got some diffrent i hadnt , he was truly nothing.
Jul 31 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

girlfriday and almostlydia

Interesting thought. That NC prematurely causes obsession and depression. This might very well be true. I think the NC must come on your terms, not his to avoid this...just a thought. In my case,I had no choice...he erased me. Since I was in such shock over his cruel and swift D&D, I would not call him about anything and only emailed him about the money he owed me. It most certainly was premature NC. For me the depression and obsession was horrible. But for some reason, I just refused to call him, drunk dial, text, or send emails. And I knew he would not contact me(and he hasn't). It was like he put such a dent in my self esteem and self respect that I was not going to let him take anymore of me. I am slowly taking my power back and I actually feel good today. A minor miracle : )
Jul 31 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Abandonment.net

Abandonment.net is a great resource. I bought the book for $30 - totally worth every penny. It gets into the dynamics of being abandoned and how to deal with it, quickly. Not necessarily easily, but as fast as one can possibly go. It is written by a women who worked with patients / clients having relationship issues, then one day she found herself in their shoes. So it is written from her own healing as well as what she does for others. So much involved with attachment and brain chemistry! No wonder there is such a tail spin. For me, understanding what happened to me has helped me to move forward. Some days are harder some not so bad. It's a process. I'm just glad to be moving forward. I got word my narc is physically not well and very depressed. He is accepting help from no one. All have reached out over years and he is too radically independent to receive help. Or perhaps too frail / insecure to be seen as he is. He seems to have a need to prove himself and have complete control. What he must know, on some level, is that we see every inch. Some one mentioned manic depressive issues that are debilitating. She's know him longer than I have. her family has been impacted more than i realized. At the end of the day the diagnosis is irrelevant. He's not functioning and people, several, have been hurt financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically on and on. Overall, the whole situation makes me sad. But I took a big step for me this week. I have much to do, but am much closer to acceptance of all of it. Almost getting a better vision of what is next for me. Once I have some legal things resolved, I'll feel better knowing my options. Hang in there everyone.
Aug 1 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

GIJ

Thanks for the rec on Abandonment.net. I just bought the book. Her insights made a lot of sense to me.
Aug 2 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

hitandrun

I thought you might find it useful. There is a lot of info here. I printed it out and it is a huge document / workbook! I like that it's hands on and I think the does a great job of explaining the big picture plus details. She also gets right into what to do in those moments of confusion. In that regard, it goes beyond SB's info on what to do next. I'm assuming working through all of this as a guide will provide a firm foundation moving forward. Perhaps it will provide some "narc-proofing" TM ;-)
Jul 30 - 8PM
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

3 days is a good start

It comes in waves helldweller. You are moving in a month, right? Keep focused on it. Don't even tell him. Move when he's at work and change your cell phone : ) I know all of that sounds childish, but when it comes to protecting yourself and your children from someone like your next door narc, anything is game. Heck, I'd be moving across the county! Keep at it. Ignore him. Distract yourself. Distraction until you can get away from him and heal is what you need. I know it is hard to let go of a dream. A dream that he promised you. But honey, IT WAS A LIE. Proud of your 3 days of NC. If I lived next door to my ex, I would never have lasted 3 days. Good for you!