Forgive me for the new thread

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helldweller
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Forgive me for the new thread

but it's been three whole days NC and it's so strange.
I don't even feel bad really.
The oddest part is that I know if I never speak to him he will never speak to me. He is the most stubborn person on earth and I know if I make sure to never cross his path, he will never attempt a reconciliation. Pretty sad after four years, eh?

The last thing he said (texted) to me was:
"I can't and won't do your unwarranted tantrums and name calling anymore. I'm done."

This was a response to my asking if there was a day BEFORE THE END OF THE SUMMER when he could have a picnic with me while the children were at day camp. Keeping in mind that I had "serviced" him every time he asked without a much as a date. He said, "I'll have to try to get a day off." The next day, he told me he cut work because an aquaintance invited him to a Cubs' game last minute. " (We live right by Wrigley Field and Lake Michigan) He said, "I don't even like him, but it's a nice day so why not?"

Then I said, "Thanks, Jerk. In four years you could not go to a game with me despite a hundred invitations or even a picnic where you could just get drunk and pass out on the beach."

That was the sum of my "unwarranted tantrums and name calling." Calling him a jerk and expecting more than he gives to an aquaintence that he "doesn't even like."

I feel very, very calm.

BlueMoon
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It may be no consolation...
but I just wanted to say how absolutely beautiful and gifted you are! Look at you- you are amazing! Like a common thread through this board, you are SO pretty, SO smart, SO radiant, So accomplished! You deserve to have everyone in your life to see this...and you have the power to chose who comes in and who gets voted off the island. You deserve it!
hitandrun
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helldweller
If you cannot block his texts, is there any way you can get a new cell phone and just give your number to the people who need it? That's what I did. It's just too tempting to read their texts. He will never change...but you can.
helldweller
helldweller's picture
ugh
ok. So he just texted me that his brother told him that I am so unstable that I probably don't even realize that I'm lying when I lie. This is the same guy who told me "He can't stop lying" four months after we started seeing each other. Why does the circle protect them?
betty2020
betty2020's picture
Helldweller, Put the phone
Helldweller, Put the phone down honey!! Why do you want to inflict so much pain on yourself? Havent you hurt yourself enough? You dont have to do this. This is a choice. I know a hard choice but the option is there for you. We all have been right where you are. No one is suffering in this equation except you and you hold the power to stop it. With every acknowledgment you give him he is being fed power. Stop! If you cant stop then recruit a friend to help intervene. Give them your phone, cord to your computer what ever you have to do. I am pretty sure you live in Chicago area if i remember correct. I am 1 hour to you. I will be there in 40 minutes if you need me. Let me know luv.. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

almostlydia
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I agree, I think it's time
I agree, I think it's time for an intervention. I can't stand seeing you being tortured like this. Get someone to intervene now.

almostlydia

wholeagain
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Yes please
He doesn't need to torture you anymore as you've taken over the job yourself. Which I would assume suits him just fine--saves his lazy ass the effort. Block. Block. Block.
NancyM
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Oh Brother
The brother has NOT told you that. HE said the brother said it. Ns always use others to complete their confirmation that you are the crazy one whether the other person said it or not...and usually not. Stop believing his crap.

Nevergoback

Janet
Janet's picture
Helldweller, seriously, you
Helldweller, seriously, you need to break free from this creepy guy immediately. You do not like him, you do not respect him --- so why is he in any way in your life? Peace. J

Peace. J

helldweller
helldweller's picture
FURIOUS
Opened up Facebook last night, and staring at me is the narc's brother's girlfriend and the narc's foster child, making marshmallow sculptures, smiling and happy. They all have family day every Sunday and guess who was NEVER F*CKING INVITED? It makes me so sick that this son of a bitch does whatever the hell he wants and his family loves him and thinks *I* am unstable. It's like "Um, HELLO! The asshole has two other children that he knew for TWO YEARS before he met this kid. Where are they in the picture? Where the F*CK are they?????????" I wrote to the girlfriend on Facebook and just said, "That's lovely. Just so you know, narc lies every Sunday and says he has to work so he doesn't have to bring my little girls and I to Sunday dinner with you. He also now has a gay lover and never actually broke up with me. He also just laughed at my eight year old because it's her birthday and she asked him to come over for cake. You should be finding another home for that child and not making marshmallow sculptures with him." So she writes back, "I'm highly offended by your post. I enjoy and cherish every minute with my family, including my nephew." NEPHEW? NEPHEW? SERIOUSLY? HER BOYFRIEND IS SCREWING THE NARC'S BABYSITTER! THIS IS A FOSTER CHILD AND HIS "PAPA" IS A GAY SINGLE MAN WHO F*CKS OVER WOMEN AND CHILDREN FOR FUN. HOW IS THIS CHILD HER NEPHEW?????????? I AM SO SICK OF LOOKING AND FEELING CRAZY.
betty2020
betty2020's picture
Honey i know you are so
Honey i know you are so angry. Please please please for your sanity. DELETE ALL of these freaks from your facebook tonight! Block them. This is to dangerous for you now. Walk out and close the door behind you. This is eroding your soul. You have to take action now. You have no choice, its time to move forward. Please. xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

hitandrun
hitandrun's picture
I agree with betty2020
helldweller, I had to do it to save myself. FB is narc heaven. It will drive you crazy. Delete posts, delete friends, delete his family and Block, block block! Delete any photos of you with him. Ask people who are truly your friends to remove any photos of the two of you from FB and ask that they also defriend him, too. I did all of this and deleted all posts written by him or about him. No narcs by proxy.
helldweller
helldweller's picture
Thanks everyone
He is not on facebook. NO one he knows is on facebook except the brother's girlfriend. Too public for any of them. I deleted her as a friend. It's so funny to hear "ask everyone to delete photos of us together" because there are no photos of us together. After four years. There were two from my brothers wedding which were destroyed long ago. that's it. He has been texting me all night with hostile, projection texts about me being a liar. I feel very calm watching him fall apart. He has been out every single night until ten, eleven, twelve. These people have to fall over from exhaustion one day, don't they?
betty2020
betty2020's picture
Nope they never get tired
Nope they never get tired remember vampires are eternal, but you will get tired one day. Can you block his text? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

almostlydia
almostlydia's picture
this pains me so much
this pains me so much because I remember the agony of it all. Your name here, helldweller, is about as exact as i remember. I have to wonder if he didn't go to far to torment you with his questionable 'boy' parade and now he's scared as hell of being exposed? Judges are public figures aren't they? You really have to be very careful as to how you come off in all of this. We are driven to the 'crazy woman' appearance because who wouldn't be but it still feeds exactly in to how he is probably excusing you to be. I had never seen mine soooo desperate as when he thought he was going to be exposed for being with his little boy pal. You really have to 'shore' yourself up in order to not play right into his lies. And I'm going to just keep saying it over and over and again, time to plan the move away from this toxic situation. Much strength it's a battle to the other side but well worth it.

almostlydia

loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture
Exhaustion
Yes, I have no idea how they do that. I don't see how a 50 year old man can date several different women every week and stay out late every night. It has to be because it is an obsession with them . They MUST find new supply or face death. Have you read that post about watching the movie when you go NC? It is so true - that is what you are watching right now. They self implode. But isn't it sad how now he is going nuts??? Why didn't he go nuts in a positive way years ago and treat you as you should have been treated? It shows what babies they are! They just want us because now we have decided we don't want them. And they don't want us to love us, they want us to "win" something back and to control us again. It is not love or even caring - it is feeling their empty soul inside.
helldweller
helldweller's picture
loveofmylife
I always thought of him: he is like a teenaged boy. If he is about to take out the garbage and mom says, "Can you take out the garbage?" he will not take it out because she asked him to.
helldweller
helldweller's picture
little boys
I truly think that the one thing that can bring peace is to realize that they are stuck where they became this way: at two or three or four years old. Again, my ex husband's AA stuff talks about the alcoholic being forever stuck at the age when he started drinking. My ex always says, now, recovering, that he started drinking at twelve and he will be twelve till the day he dies. Even he realizes it and consciously fights against it to be an adult because he knows he is sick. I know a lot of us had bad childhoods and consciously struggle against our ingrained tendencies, but these guys just can't do it, because they cannot realize they are sick.
helldweller
helldweller's picture
loveofmylife
Yes, yes, yes. The most counfounding thing-and one of the thing that keeps us--is that they don't respond in a normal way to our ultimatums. For a normal couple with problems, one person would say, "Ok. I love you but I can't deal with X or X anymore." And you would talk about it or even fight about it, but the person wouldn't just DENY the reality of it." I don't know how many times I said, "If I can't meet your friend, Sandy, who you see every week, or if I can't meet your best friend, or if you don't make me the designated babysitter for you child or if we can't have dinner together once a week, blah blah blah --then I can't see you anymore." They absolutely will not do anything to fix it. In my ex husband's AA sessions one mantra is: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." The narc just didn't get that. He just wanted to do the same thing over and over and have me finally accept that he was the ruler of the universe and could do anything he wanted.
almostlydia
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I just read recently on Ms.
I just read recently on Ms. Brown's site that the N does the same thing over and over again always expecting a different result. I saw this to be true.

almostlydia

helldweller
helldweller's picture
almostlydia
Even a child will stop sticking his hand in the fire after he gets burned a couple of times. They say that the narcissistic injury occurs when they are infants, so it makes sense that they never learned to not stick their hands in the fire more than once.
Happy1
Happy1's picture
Helldweller
I totally get where you are coming from and your anger. It's crazy when people don't see what we see. Our N's put on a great act for those they want too. It also has driven me crazy for many months now. I know I cannot approach other women on my N's facebook account because he's a great fake with his writing. He can lure the ladies in and they think he oh so wonderful because he looks like this great and super single dad. This PTO President and Cub Scout Master. Wow! and he only has pictures of him and his son on his facebook and I'm not allowed to write on his wall or send a pic. He has no status of being in any relationship and loves the look of it. He looks like this super great single dad. I have refused to look for a very long time. This woman only sees what your N wants her to see. It's so hard to take I know. Trust me! This has been a huge battle within me for a long time. I get so darned angry and pissed and want to scream at these people!!! What is wrong with you people!!! Why don't you see what I see? They just won't ever see it unless the dumb N's lift their veil. They are users and love to be adored so they know what they are doing. They won't do it. I hope your daughter had a wonderful birthday and it was much better without the stupid N anyway. I know it's hard when kids are involved and the N's hurt their feelings. I hope you keep your anger and ignore this stupid, snake of man! Big Hugs to you today!!
betty2020
betty2020's picture
They all wear the mask of
They all wear the mask of pureness to the outsiders. This is what makes them so insidious. We know the truth and the truth can and will be reveled in time. This must be well thought out on our part to make an impact though. When you react on pure adrenalin and emotion you blow your chance at revealing the true demon for what it is. Patients and a well thought out plan works best in these situations. The outsiders sees a whole different perspective. The problem is that we first must remove ourselves and gather our thoughts before we can make rational moves. When we go off in the heat of anger and highly charged the outside world looks at us like lunatics. I am sorry to tell you this but i have been there. I blew a case against a child molester ExN that should be in prison right now because i reacted instead of acted. Big Big Big mistake. If i would have only taken the time needed to get myself in order, this would have never happened. I now have to carry the weight of my reactions and the possibility of more abused children from my mistake. Take a deep breath. Gather yourself and this will work out. Removal for a period of time is the only way to accomplish the mission. Start formulating a plan of action tonight. Stay away from anything and everything that will trigger you. Facebook, email, myspace, text msg, friends and family of the Narc, Loctaions he may be etc.... Put a block on it all. The only way to beat them at their game is to change up your game. Throw them off balance. You will be very surprised at the results. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

helldweller
helldweller's picture
Happy1
Yes, I wasn't allowed to post photos of us together on Facebook, either. I put up a photo of the kids and him fishing last summer and he went insane. But it's fine for the brother's girlfriend to post all of their "family" photos whenever she wants. So gross.
Happy1
Happy1's picture
helldweller
I swear these N's of ours could be brothers. It's amazing all the similarities. I wouldn't wish these guys on anyone!!! Mine went insane when I said "that's great babe!" to one of his posts. He sent me this very long email to never do that again and to never write "babe" on his wall. Gosh! I wonder why? They are gross!
Happy1
Happy1's picture
helldweller
I swear these N's of ours could be brothers. It's amazing all the similarities. I wouldn't wish these guys on anyone!!! Mine went insane when I said "that's great babe!" to one of his posts. He sent me this very long email to never do that again and to never write "babe" on his wall. Gosh! I wonder why? They are gross!
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture
helldweller
here's the difference. The Ns must keep their lives compartmentalized because they have multiple secret lives going and because they always have one foot out the door in any relationship. So he can't be tied publically with other women or her children. However, having his child tied to a "relative" doesn't tie him down at all and makes it look like he is such a great guy with such a happy family. What a guy!
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture
Are you...
tired enough of it to stop looking at things that will do nothing but piss you off, make you feel crazy or hurt you?
helldweller
helldweller's picture
wholeagain
Yep. I forgot she was a facebook friend. Took care of that right away. It was shocking. She never posts anything. I can't even remember the last time so . . .
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture
Good for you
dear Helldweller :)
helldweller
helldweller's picture
Help I'm freaked out
Ok. So my ex husband and I own a tour business together and we were both out working this afternoon. So he drops me off in front of my house, and as we pull up, this very, very gay hispanic man of about thirty comes out of the narc's house. He's dressed in a tight Hawaiian shirt, tight cropped jeans, sandals, with the fabulous haircut and sunglasses on his head. My ex says, "That's the guy he went out with the other night" (He had seen the narc leave the house, all dressed up, to go out with this guy the night I got my book and he blew me off. At the time, I thought, who could that be? because no one ever comes over except his brother and his best friend. I thought maybe it was his foster child's dad, because he's Mexican, and maybe they were getting to know each other or talking about adoption or something. Well, this wasn't the dad (I met him before). The guy walked over to the Walgreen's on our corner and came out a few minutes later with a big bottle of pop, then walked to his car and drove away. I am still for some reason thinking, "No way is this actually true." But this is the day for the foster child's visit with his dad, so no one is home this afternoon except the narc. And he knew I was working as well. Is this actually happening? Am I being nuts for still thinking there is nothing happening here? You have to understand that the narc's friends are all people he has known for at least ten years. This is a totally new person, I'm sure of it, and for him to gain entrance to his house, not once but twice at least, and to get him to go out somewhere with him (overnight) . . . what's going on?