The Topic of Closure

When you understand that nothing you say to him will make a bee's fart of a difference, this strong feeling will pass on it's own. He'll just hear what he wants to hear, he always has. He knows at some level he is a complete turd. He doesn't CARE that he is despicable. This is a hard one, I still have fantasies of doing this with my exN. Who knows what a complete waste of human space he is, at some level. We assume they have a conscience that can be piqued. It's a projection of our own. They don't have a conscience. Over time this urge will dissipate :) . Mostly. At least with me it's dissipated to the point that it does not occupy my mind. It heals over, like any other wound. The most important thing is that YOU are convinced of what he is. You sound very convinced. That is good enough. Your power ends there, like it or not :( . But still, it is good enough.

Everything one says to a true N or P does no good. They just turn it around in the most amazing way & suddenly they are your victim. It's so unbelievable. And then there is just another trauma to yourself. When I left my N, he made such a big deal that he did not want a divorce. That this was what I wanted. He loved me. Blah, blah. The reality was he replaced me immediately (from the day before I moved out) and she was living with him in the house I still owned with him. But he kept it a secret (although I knew). He wanted to emotionally blackmail me in the divorce for abandoning him. Just after the final divorce hearing, I saw him with yet another woman (not one living with him). He sent me an e-mail. I asked about the one with whom he was living. He said, no personal details. I said, you involved me in your personal details when you sought reconciliation when you were living with another woman but not telling me. I knew all along. His repsonse: Nobody could know the extent of my devastation when you left me. Gee! I wonder what that woman thought? Living with him when he was devastated that his wife left him. Since she contacted me AFTER she left him, I learned from her the lies he told her about our marriage being over at least 6 months before I left him. Also, she was stunned to read his e-mails seeking reconciliation. One came in the same week he was proposing marriage to her! It's all a game to these men. He wanted me to do family therapy. Means to control me. I went because I was too scared not to but I knew it was all about control & was very careful to chat him up. I never told the therapist all about the abuse. Nevertheless, he was furious with me because I did not speak well enough of him. And he even said: You do not play the "game" of therapy. I said: I didn't know it was a game. But in that, N revealed his world view: Life's a game. It's all about posturing & always being right--always being on top.

Im still working on "letting go" I just dont know how to do it! a lil over 1 yr and I still obsess..some days more than others..I just dont know how the hell to let go! xoxo Its so friken dificult!

You need to write this letter of closure to your Narc. Take your time and understand this is the final words to him. When you finish it post it on the board. We will be waiting for it.. We will read it and we will listen to everything you say. We will validate all of your hurt feelings. We will comfort and support you. He unfortunately wont honey, he is after all a Narc. xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Any attention you give a narc is supply! And believe me, they're not going to say "Ya know what... you're right! I am an a-hole." Think long & hard why need to confront the narc. My suggestion would be to write a letter with everything you want to say... get those feelings out... but don't send it.

I was very cold and clinical when I told my ex-Psychopath professor that he had been cruel ON PURPOSE. He didn't know how to react, especially when I said my classmates were calling him a jerk behind his back, and that if I were a prospective student, I'd consider him a bully if I saw his behavior. I said, "After 4 years of my kindness, encouragement, etc, this is how you say thanks?" I confronted him about his lies. He was at a loss, and went into word salad territory. He won't speak to me, which is fine with me, since I went NC first, and his parents are living with him (and he's almost 50!) I went NC on him when he attempted to hoover me. When he sabotaged my teaching job, all I did was leave town without telling anyone. I'm happy and successful now. That's my closure.