It is NOT about HIM...

I've lived with an N for the past 15 years---there are 3 dif ones in my life but it has taken the past 15 years of my life. Until this hurt and blow I didn't realize what I was dealing with---I am a nurse with a psych background and was truly thinking I just had bad taste in friends and men and that I had a sick need to help people. I know now that that is true to an extent but that I have to watch for the signs. Extensive research has led me to where I am now but I find myself going 2 steps forward and 3 back every day. I still get caught in trying to figure out why he and she(my former BFF) would do such but I quickly jerk back and say who cares why--they are evil. Never again will I get sucked in. I just wish there was a good therapist around here to go to. I've had 1 visit since this last insult---this N was good he took some valuable brain cells with him. I never knew that they were all so much alike until I started researching it and now I feel motivated to get past it. An illusion was all it was. Time is the greatest healer.

I like your post so much..we are all at different stages of recovery though. I like the word deprogramming. I love the posts about positive steps too. But I think it is important that people can tell their story, even if that means exhuming past hurts. Some of us have been bottling these hurts up for months, years...with no safe place to offload. I think that offloading is part of the recovery and deprogramming process. After you've desensitized yourself for so long just to survive, sometimes you have to give a name to all the hurt and abuse you've suffered, simply to tell your story, and get validation for all the hurt you've suffered - that it wasn't you that was being mad or selfish. And then move on to recovery and putting the focus on yourself. I always tend to blame myself, and have found it so empowering to tell my story here, and for people to say - stop blaming yourself, HE was the one abusing YOU so don't buy into the accusations. Thanks.

I found a letter that I had written to my exN when things started to go wrong last year, so about a year ago, maybe longer. OMG it was dreadful reading it! It was full of apologies about how difficult I was to be in a relationship with, how I would do anything to make our relationship work, to be honest I felt numb when I read it. It astounds me now that I was so meek and lacking in confidence! I truly thought it was all my fault that things were going wrong. Anyway, I mention this not to dwell on the past but to demonstrate the progress that can be made. Of course its not easy and because of these well trodden pathways that have been created in our minds to do with self worth, confidence etc etc sometimes we struggle to focus on ourselves and our wants and needs BUT it can be done! I always find anger is a much more useful emotion, whilst we don't want to spend our lives being angry it can give you the motivation to succeed and to achieve what you want to rather than dwelling or reminiscing on any 'believed' loss. There's a well known book in the UK and I'm sure its in the US by a man called Alan Carr, he writes about giving up smoking, losing weight etc, anyway the theory is that you shouldn't focus on what you are giving up, i.e nicotine, food, you should look at what you're gaining.....your life back! For us......freedom from a manipulative abusive relationship, a chance to really work on our confidence, I would say the list is pretty long. Let's try and see the silver lining..... :-)