Blind to Abuse...

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 27 - 2PM

rhiannon

Blind to Abuse...

I had a "lightbulb" moment yesterday, and thought I'd share.

I've been NC with my exN for some time now, and have been doing quite well. Yesterday, on my way home from work, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Lo and behold, it was my exN calling from a friend's phone.

After I answered, I recognized right off the bat that he was hammered (big surprise). The first slurry thing out of his mouth was "I just say, leave the bitches behind and move on. Leave all them bitches behind. It's the only way. I left my bitch behind." Really. No "hey how are you doing"... oh no. He proceeds to tell me that I'm on speakerphone with his friend, and starts quizzing me about when EXACTLY was the last day we talked (which I found ironic, btw, because here we are... talking... again). I guess he was trying to prove to his friend that we had not, in fact, talked for some time. I have no idea.

Anyway, the whole call was basically nonsensical. Right before we hung up he said, "I was rude to you." I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about at the time. I said that and he said, "I was rude... I was trying to get those horns to come out." Still, I had no idea WTH he was referring to. After we got off the phone, it dawned on me (after 10 minutes or so of hard thinking). Which got me thinking... wow, I COMPLETELY filed that "bitch" comment in the back of my mind as soon as he said it. It was like it was inaccessible for retrieval by my brain. Which got me thinking how accustomed I must be to being talked to in that rude, abusive way. How I've learned to bury hurtful things almost immediately as if they never happened. I've wondered how I was able to put up with all his crap for so long. Now I realize why.

In a way, I am glad I answered that call, because it's obvious he's continuing on his loser path like he he always has and always will. I actually laughed when we got off the phone. I'm so glad I'm rid of that abusive man.

Have any of you experienced a "lightbulb" moment like this, where you realized you were blind to abuse?

#2 Jul 27 - 9PM

betty2020

I firmly believe that we

I firmly believe that we dont see the extent or depth of this type of abuse until we are in the No Contact phase. I have had so many lightbulbs go on it makes my head spin some days. I think it is great that you had this awaking honey. Please dont let yourself forget that moment. One last thing. I dont think it would be safe to continue a conversation with him again. If he calls on an unknown number you should disconnect the call immediately. This is playing with fire for you. xoxooxxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Jul 27 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Yes, Betty2020, we don't see

Yes, Betty2020, we don't see it because we are immersed in it. I have had many friends reveal to me after the divorce that "he never treated you right" or "he was always so selfish". A columnist in my local paper has written some great articles on abusers-- and pathological relationships. His advice on dealing with "Mean People" 1. I will never forget that (N) is mean & malicious--poisonous to my well being. 2. I will never again be suprised when (N) is mean & malicious. 3. I will become especially alert, careful & wary when (N) behaves normally or even honorably to me. As he also advises--relentlessly practice boundaries that do not allow the behavior to work. Render the N IRRELEVANT.

#4 Jul 28 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

betty2020

This is excellent advise for

This is excellent advise for all. Thank you....xoxoxox only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Jul 27 - 8PM

Susan32

Meeting the Other Woman

That was my lightbulb moment. My friends (and some of my family) saw how OBVIOUSLY abusive my ex-Psychopath professor was. They didn't see him as spousal material, and thank goodness, I neither dated nor married him. It was when he flaunted his curator girlfriend, whom I never knew existed, seeing how grim she was with him, and how quickly he bolted out of the room (with her far behind)... that I realized how abusive he REALLY was. I saw the coldness with which he treated her... the same coldness he had treated me. I had been lied to, lied to for far too long... and I was tired of it.

#6 Jul 27 - 3PM

Aliveagain

Potential insight? What has

Potential insight? What has become so apparent to me during this whole experience is the ability we each possess to lie to ourselves. I've realised in a whole raft of ways the ways in which I was practicing self-denial. Many people will never be afforded the opportunity (and I use that word with some reservation) to be really real. Doubt there are many of us that will ever be anything but truly honest as a consequence. Accelerated growth, I can't believe how much more emotionally intelligent I consider myself to be by comparison to my peers as a consequence of my experience. Life is a great teacher. http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/10/the-truth-about-self-deception.php

#7 Jul 27 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Aliveagain

Honesty however also comes

Honesty however also comes at a price, too...

#8 Jul 27 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

almostlydia

Aliveagain

I have to disagree because that is what we all keep beating ourselves up for isn't it? That as intelligent, educated woman we should have had enough sense to recognize what was happening but didn't see it and feel so stupid for ignoring it. that would discard everything we have learned here about the validity of the mindf*cking, the mind control, the manipulation, the emotional dismantling to the point of losing our reality and our sense of fact and fiction. I refuse to believe that this was just a simple case of self denial. NO WAY. Self denial, sure when dealing with a normal man maybe. That I can accept. But not with these abusers. I do agree with one thing tho, I do feel far more educated than many around me and it damn sure came with a price I will never forget.

almostlydia

#9 Jul 28 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

Aliveagain

I think you're completely

I think you're completely right re the mindfu*king, control, manipulation etc etc and emotional dismantling to the point of losing reality and our sense of self, fact and fiction. Absolutely and that is the paradox we've all come to realise - smart women can fall for men like this. Though on another paradoxical note I still think that we knew that things weren't right and we didn't listen to ourselves. We didn't trust our guts. We drowned out our feelings and we adapted (which is a normal survival mechanism) because of those things they did...but somewhere there was still that voice going "This is NOT okay" "What is this guy doing?" "This is NOT normal"...but of course with their expertise they manage these doubts and we end up mindfkd etc etc...but I still think at some point along the way we denied our reality - how else could we cope and what else could we do when we loved and wanted to help these people? All of it is human and normal, not evidence of us being stupid, just unknowing and the polar opposite of what they are...which we should be proud of. Anyone can lack integrity and character!

#10 Jul 27 - 2PM

Briseis

Yep!

Rhiannon, you sound so different just describing this phone call. You sound very detached, in a new way. As if you didn't take a word of his seriously and saw him right away as a stupid drunk spouting his nonsense. What a waste. I was so slow in realizing I was in an abusive relationship it wasn't until I got rid of him that I realized it. VERY slow on the uptake, I am. That is why we even give these idiots a chance at all. We are inured to abuse. We don't notice that it is abuse. Our self esteem is so low we don't expect people to treat us decently. This is the beginning of a huge revelation for you. Keep up the good work, what you are doing is working, I can see it just in the way you write!

#11 Jul 27 - 2PM

Used

abuse

what people call abuse i accepted as[normal] such as on us leaving the house him shouting COME ON YOU PRATT, and me answering ok, then if i was trying to chat, he said have you got verbal diarreheh, if i didnt answer him quick enough ,he would say how you took the fu,,ing vow of silence, all these things i thought was normal i could go on and on, but that would mean i have verbal diaeehe[cant spell it]again.

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