looking for validation?

I didn't have a relationship with my father. met him for the first time briefly when i was 8 and then again when i was 15. and he rejected me. I never thought that it affected me as since i didn;t really grow up with him, how could i know what i was missing...if that makes sense. but....i really do think that it has had a huge impact me. like i feel like i have to prove i am worthy to have in someone's life. it's definately an area i have been working on.

A person who is fairly solid, and has an internally generated sense of their own value, is not going to pick up a Narc. Narc's flatter people. They have an uncanny sense of what you think you need to hear. And an expert performance in how they deliver it! When I met my exNarc, I was not a person who had a sense of her own value. I needed other people to give it to me. I was "good" as long as I pleased other people, and I was "bad" the minute I failed to please them. I grew up that way from having a Narc father and victim mother. No one in my family encouraged me to decide for myself. I was punished for deciding for myself. So I grew up groomed to be a flypaper for Narcs and other predators. I looked for THEM, too, but did not know it. I agree, it is approval. When you cannot give it to yourself, you seek it out from someone who will give it to you. A normal guy would take one look at me and think "Now that is one needy woman" and not feel comfortable with me, as I was. But a Narc would smack his lips and start in. My need for approval was so deep that I couldn't seem to get enough approval :( . A normal woman, in my shoes, would have seen my exNarc's "approval" as pure flattery. And been turned off. I don't really buy the idea that Narc's and psycho's are some kind of superpowerful predator. I think their victims have to have some sort of wounding to be vulnerable. Human beings do need approval from each other, that is normal and built into the mechanism. We do need each other. But when the need for approval is wounded, in whatever way, we are more vulnerable than normal to become prey to a Narc or psychopath. And I mean "vulnerable" to the point we end up seeking help here. I do believe anyone can fall under their spell (Lisa's relationship with You Know Who is a perfect example). The more healthy and self validating a person is, the quicker they cut off the parasite, while the rest of us spend years and years suffering, until we lose ourselves and crawl into this forum. Anyway . . . the support and validation we give each other here is unconditional (well, now it is LOL). This is the fever tonic. Spending time here fills up that hole and then we realize we can give it to ourselves. I got this unconditional support in another community. It filled me up to the point I realized I really WAS and OK gal :) . Then I started giving it to myself. I still hang around places like this because I want to give back what I was given :) . And because I believe from the bottom of my heart we can all heal and become BETTER than ever, no matter what damage was done. I still have some vulnerabilities but I can see a Narc (or someone with heavy traits) coming a mile away. I can keep them at bay. I trust myself to not fall for their flattery ever again. I do not worry that I will end up with another one. I have no doubt I will encounter them, over and over again, but I am not afraid of them anymore. I think that is because I've begun to give mySELF my own validation and approval.

and very well put, the same applies to me and i think i'ts about learning to set boundaries etc rather than keep repeating the pattern. i really need to enforce boundaries and be comfortable with that, i did n't at all with my narc man.

I think it's a combination of the three. I really believe that a woman with high self-esteem and high self-worth would not be drawn extensively into the N world. I know personally if I had realized my self-worth I never would have gotten involved with him. My teenage daughter has very high self-esteem. She does not look to males for approval - ever. She thought the Narc was psychotic and told me many many times to get away from him. I honestly can never see her getting involved with a Narc. She may end up at some point meeting one and even going on a date - but I know she will realize quickly what he is and tell him to get lost - she just values herself too much as a person and knows she deserves to be treated with love and respect. I'm sad that I spent my life looking outside myself, but I am really happy I managed to raise my daughter to know her inherent self worth - I guess that was my purpose in life.

My father was a narcissist/alcoholic that didn't like women. He told my mother when I was born that, "I told you not to have a girl!" He never spoke to me when I was growing up, never did anything with me and told my mother I would turn out to be a whore. what a prince. Consequently, I have always sought approval and love from men to make up the deficit. Unfortunately, I ended up with narcs. Hoping I've learned my lesson for good this time.