narc non-speak

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#1 Jul 16 - 9PM
gettingbetter
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narc non-speak

Been reading these forums...and seen a lot of n quotes. But how many of them also gave themselves away through withholding and the things they never say?

In almost three years, I never heard my ex-N say the following phrases:

I'm sorry

How can I help?

What can I bring?

Let me clean up that mess I just made (instead of getting on the phone and watching me clean up his spill)

Let me get that for you (he usually left things like loading suitcases in the car or opening doors for me ... I'd open the door and he'd walk through...ewgie)

I remembered you liked (fill in the blank), and thought of you when I saw this.

Put your wallet away...it's my pleasure.

I'd never share details of our sex life with my narc friend who cheats on his wife.

I respect you.

Any other narc non quotes?

Jul 17 - 10PM
Allie
Allie's picture

Wow Gettingbetter....

My N also didn't say alot of these...well any of them, lol, and the one that got to me most was the lack of "I remember". Even after having so much history with the man, we met at 15, first love and all that crap, and 25 years later began an intense emotional affair (now ended), but he didn't remember much about me...that was one of the things that really hurt me near the end. I remembered so much about him, too much, he loved that. Yet I was just another supply to him. Thanks for writing this post, it reminds us to look for the things he's not saying or doing as N clues. Non N's will remember a womans scent or favorite movie or book if he cares about her...and my narc was also extremely cheap, lol
Jul 17 - 10PM
better off
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"It's my fault."

"It's my fault."
Jul 17 - 1AM
Susan32
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Here's the irony...

My ex-Psychopath professor considered himself a philosopher. Yet he'd NEVER hold a philosophical discussion with me. I'd ask him about his own original ideas, insights... and I'd get NOTHING. He never seemed capable of an original thought. One expects to be able to engage in philosophical discussion, with all its give and take, with a philosopher. Even the teacher/student relationship wasn't right.
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #10)
NancyM
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Susan32

The irony is that they do not even get irony. But your right, they cannot discuss their own philosophies/ideals with you because they reveal that they cannot have an original thought of their own. Especially if you get to a place where you can match their so called knowledge. This is where they must start to devalue you, tell you that you could not possibly understand etc etc. I have had it happen many times, till I finally got that if they had an original thought their brains would probably explode. Here is a pretty good article from Sam Vaknin's website related to authority and the abuse of power that I think you may find rather enlightening. http://books.google.com/books?id=OP1rmM_eSRkC&pg=RA2-PA69&lpg=RA2-PA69&dq=authority+for+a+narcissist&source=bl&ots=QMp2iqEZbo&sig=6IyRdLXU-0y_rsWT8OogC61sIwo&hl=en&ei=n0dBTJ23FZGmvQO6563eDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7&ved=0CDIQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=authority%20for%20a%20narcissist&f=false hope it works When mine started telling me about a political issue that he was following closely and was outside his usual field of expertise, I immediately knew that he had found someone else he was trying to impress.

Nevergoback

Jul 17 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
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Professionalism

My therapist summed up the "relationship" succintly--it was a power play. I hate to think of what my ex-P is putting the OW (if she's still with him),let alone his students, through. He thought his students were keeping a "respectful distance"--no, behind his back, they hated him. His fellow professors didn't like him that much either. After the D&D, I heard that his fellow professors avoided him- they were the ones ostracizing him- because of the way he treated me. My ex-Psychopath professor had a strange way of speaking and writing. I could have NORMAL discussions with my ex-Narcissistic boss;we could talk about music,cooking,etc. But with my ex-P? Normal conversations? Psychopaths have a hard time processing complex thoughts. Here's a sample of his writing. Back in the day, his writing could make my heart race and my hormones run. Now, I find it an all-natural cure for insomnia (do not read while operating heavy machinery or driving) Here it is: "In thinking he has grasped the 'essence of language' (what Wittgenstein calls a 'non-spatial, non-temporal phantasm') he has disengaged himself from the very thing that does in fact give meaning to language, namely, the hurly-burly that is human activity. What the Investigations aims to do is lead the philosopher (whether in Wittgenstein or ourselves) back to that reality in which language has meaning... This bringing back words to their everyday use involves looking in detail in which words are used. The activity of the Investigations, like the activity of (Augustine's) Confessions, is an activity in which one struggles to remain within the reality of human life despite the temptation to run 'up against the limits of language',a reality in which there is yet the possibility of real wonder." I remember telling my ex-P he used the phrase "in which" waaay too much. Even my mother has gotten on my case on that in my own writing(!!!) Considering he's from Massachusetts, I was ready to start the Salem Which Trials. I'm glad my ex-P is NOT my husband. Besides, he's a total killjoy.
Jul 16 - 10PM
Steph
Steph's picture

This is part of what

This is part of what troubles me....my exN DID say a lot of those things, even the exN before him that physically abused me said those things. They also did and said things completely opposite. blah. that's where the cognitive dissonance comes in. he loves me. he hates me.
Jul 19 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
rainbow1
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stayingstrong

That is my issue too. Mine said everything that he was supposed to. He is telling me how sorry he is right now! The thing though was that his actions never matched his words. Ever! Thats where I get confused. I would think to myself, "If you are so sorry then why are you doing it again?" Its crazymaking

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 16 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
NancyM
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I guess what you needed to

I guess what you needed to hear was "I will DO what I SAY I am going to do" related to something nice they said and they then do it.

Nevergoback

Jul 16 - 10PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I'm sorry ... wow! now

I'm sorry ... wow! now that's something I would have loved to have heard once. When can I see you again? Let's make plans... Can I take you to dinner? Here's the remote.. what would you like to watch on TV? Thank you for making breakfast, lunch and dinner... Thank you!!!!!!! I respect you. I value your opinion. Nobody's perfect.
Jul 16 - 10PM
SBlaze86
SBlaze86's picture

RE: narc nonspeak

The N I formerly dated stopped complimenting me after we were together. No more 'you look beautiful' or 'you really did a great job on that project' or even gratitude for that matter... I remember putting together this elaborate care package for him once and his response was 'I'm impressed'...
Jul 16 - 10PM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Hmmm lotsa

How about...I appreciate everything you do for me. I will do anything you need to support you. What would you like me to to for you? Not following a compliment up with a but.... I understand how that made you feel. I can see why you are saying that. I can see your upset...would you like to talk about it? Think I could sit here all day on this one.

Nevergoback

Jul 16 - 9PM
Susan32
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What he NEVER said

My ex-Psychopath professor NEVER said: I'm sorry (that has to be #1) I'm sorry I hurt your feelings (he rephrased it as "I'm sorry YOU feel that way") I should've told you I already had a girlfriend I like being with you You're doing a great jobs Congratulations I'll tell you more about myself (fill in blank) Here's what I think about Wittgenstein (he never seemed to have his own opinions) Thanks for encouraging me, you've always been there for me Thank you
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
alma25
alma25's picture

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry Thank you for being here for me It's my fault not yours (instead of: do not even try to blame me) It's me who screw up Nobody's perfect I'm not perfect Mostly he was telling many things but it was only talking.He was very good at it. I just wanted him to do what he was saying. Funny thing I must tell you. My ex N is very into charity. He organizes big charity events. He's got his own website with a motto: "Life is not only to take"!.Oh my, really? The thing is he was the master of speaking, using beautiful words and doing things publicly or when it was just comfortable for him.All the people think he is an angel.In other cases, when he didn't want to do something he was just disappearing or using silent treatment blaming me for everything.He left a big mess in my life and moved on. Show must go on.