Reclaiming my identity, Dear Narc:

Dear Narc:

I hate you. You built me up to take me down. It was your master plan all along.

I loved you. I loved the way you told stories with your hands, I loved the way you ate ice cream, I loved how you shopped for used things, I loved your mom like she was my own, I loved hearing your voice at the end of each day, and the begging of the next. I loved the way you walked, and the way you’d get upset if our pet bunny wasn’t feeling well. I loved loving you. I was so proud that you called me your girlfriend. At times- the pure happiness I felt was unimaginable. I gave you all of me.

No, I wasn’t perfect. I went into our relationship knowing you had sex with over 45 girls at 23. Knowing you cheated on an ex girlfriend. But I accepted it..all of it. I didn’t give you all my trust in 2 years. I questioned you like hell sometimes. I was clingy, I cried, I could barley handle you traveling for your job..but I would have made it work. I trusted you more than you know. I trusted you not to hurt me.

F*ck you for leaving me the weekend of my cousin’s funeral- knowing I lost 2 close friends in high school, you knew it was one of my worst fears. F*ck you for not even paying your respects.

F*ck you for saying you would never sleep with a girl like that a month before she passed away at a family party as she walked by. F*ck you for going to Miami a week after you broke up with me. You always told me you could give me anything but your time. Your job is too demanding, but magically you have money and a will to go to Miami.

F*ck you for posting those pictures of girls straddling you. F*ck you for dating a girl 2 months after dumping me. F*ck you for sleeping with me knowing you could never love me. F*ck you for allowing me to abuse myself and sleep with you without protection.

F*ck you for convincing me I didn’t need anti-anxiety medication, so I get off of it, and then break up with me because I’m too emotional. F*ck you for calling me crazy, telling me I need serious help, telling me I’ll never find another boyfriend.

I feel ugly, pathetic, sad, rejected…and this is what you call love? “I love you but I can’t be with you right now. Fall in love with someone else…and I hope one day we can pick up where we left off.”

F*ck you for stringing me along. I WILL fall in love with someone else. I will not let you own my identity anymore. Today’s the day I take it back. F*ck you.