HOW!!?!?!?!?!

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#1 Jun 29 - 10AM

whatever2009

HOW!!?!?!?!?!

How can you get rid of the anxiety without medication, the hurt, the embarrasment, the lonely feeling etc etc...
The tears, the shock, the feeling of being soooo stupid over and over again, the feeling you get when you think it has to be possible for them to change. The will to want it to work....The fear of failing in the future....The strength to want better, and to move on?

So overwhelming...

#2 Jun 30 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

good for you!

keep going took me 18 months and then I realized I wasn't spending every hour of the day thinking about Psycho-Boy! it does happen. You have been programmed & BRAINWASHED so it will take a while. You should do therapy, maybe Sandra Brown's Hypnosis CD - and meds if you need them. But just keep doing what you are doing and making it ALL ABOUT YOU and it will happen. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#3 Jun 30 - 4PM

Barbara (not verified)

whatever

I have to agree with betteroff OR - he's already sleeping around and dangling it around you to hurt you. NO CONTACT! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#4 Jun 30 - 4PM (Reply to #28)

whatever2009

When I start to think about

When I start to think about it, I believe its a form of manipulation, "she has to think other women want me". She has to know, she is lucky to have me. But...he also tells stories about all his friends and leaves himself out. He is alllll over the place. He looked disgusted yesterday, when I was questioning him, a look of "how dare she question me, Im the boss, I answer to no one" He answered but really didnt want to. Then he tried to make me feel inadequate....its becoming very perdictable.

#5 Jun 30 - 6PM (Reply to #29)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever

read: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/06/30/stepping-out-dance and NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#6 Jun 30 - 3PM

whatever2009

everyone!!

Thanks all of you..I get so much relief from your empathy and understanding. He has officially broke me down, I was strong last month, didnt care what he was up to. Now Im this pyscho, who has been beat. Did you ladies find any of these traits in your N? There way of telling you something without telling u... they make comments or beat around the bush in respect to trying to tell you something? for example.. "i told my buddy we were not going to pick up chicks I was going home" "i told her to leave me alone, I was busy, she just kept bugging me" Its like a way of commnicating without making it seem they are giving in to you...hard to explain..hope you ladies arent really confused. Anyone?

#7 Jun 30 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

better off

Sorry, sugar, but I think

Sorry, sugar, but I think that's his way of communicating that girls were hitting on him and for you to think they are into him. Everything he's doing there is self-aggrandizing: women want me, I was noble. It's all to make himself look good, and to "let you know" there are other girls after him, keeping you anxious. Triangulating. And he's probably making it all up anyway.

#8 Jun 30 - 2PM

Debra (not verified)

Whatever--it will be better

I took a half of a pill for my anxiety, once in awhile at night. I found that hypnotherapy and acupuncture works even better for anxiety. Actually, I have been wondering if hypnotherapy might help me exorcise the N from me, forever. It is used to help people lose weight, stop smoking, other addictive behaviors etc... it all has to do with the power of suggestion. Perhaps it can help get a toxic person out of your life. I feel your pain. Eventually, in time, the anxiety will go away. You must not let him come back. (I say this for you, and for me too..!)

#9 Jun 30 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

Barbara (not verified)

Debra

Sandra Brown, MA has a hypnosis CD to help you get over the N or P!! She believes he HYPNOTIZED & MIND CONTROLLED YOU into being with him - so he has to come out the same way. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/hypnosis-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships I used it for a month before I went to bed (after I came home from the PTSD clinic) along with medication and therapy and it did help! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 Jun 30 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

Debra (not verified)

Hypnotized!

I believe it Barbara. My hypnotist told me that I am "easily suggestible" during the last session for my anxiety. It was very effective. Hypnosis works when the therapist finds his/her way in and then gives you a tool (or a "suggestion) to deal with whatever it is is bothering you. I could surmise that in the case of "N", she would provide me with a truly awful "image" or "suggestion" to help rid me of him. Thanks for the great link..Worth a try!

#11 Jun 29 - 1PM

Suzie (not verified)

whatever2009

I empathize with you. I am going through the same thing. Somedays I feel so strong and hopefull. It feels like I am getting my joy back. Then I will find something out or my mom will attack me and I start missing him and thinking that maybe it is me and that I should have give him more of a chance. Then I feel strong again and thank God I am out.It is so hard. I guess that is why they say to wait a long time before you get in another relationship again. I sure can't do this again. I am getting too old for this. lol I am here if you want to talk.

#12 Jun 29 - 12PM

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

tell your therapist what you have realized get LOW DOSE medication to get you thru this read: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/07/toxic-hope-three-reasons-your.html Just DO IT!!! We are all here for you. As I have told those I coach - "if you keep complaining and do NOTHING to help yourself... then you truly are alone." Hug

#13 Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

whatever2009

I started meds and

I started meds and stopped.....they were causing weight gain and I honestly hate meds. I will mention it tho. I can do this, sometimes I just wish he would move away, or cheat on me, and tell me, or let me find out.... I always find being angry helps to deal with these things.

#14 Jun 29 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever - meds

then you need something different. speak to your dr. do NOT just quit. I tried a few things until I found one that worked for me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#15 Jun 29 - 12PM

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

How can you get rid of the anxiety without medication, the hurt, the embarrasment, the lonely feeling etc etc... YOU CAN'T. Believe me if all of us on this board knew the answer to that we'd have done it already. Stop trying to AVOID the pain - just DO IT and get through it and you will be soooo much happier. You need counseling and possibly MEDICATION - at least short term. YOU HAVE PTSD. Admit it - this person has screwed you up! Read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS - there's a link on this site, down near the bottom of the right margin. You can't avoid this whatever - it's TOOOOO late. But you can go NO CONTACT WITH THE VAMPIRE WHO PUT YOU IN THIS SITUATION. Be more afraid of what staying with him will do. I am permanently disabled - most probably from all the Ns and Ps I had in my life. Don't let that happen to you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#16 Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

whatever2009

you right...

Thanks guys... your right, im avoiding the pain of "feeling"....im pretending the good outways the bad. im hoping he stays good but know it cant happen. Im scared and its taking over....Ive always been the caretaker...I dont know any other way, and that is scary. Im scared to "start over", Im scared to be with just myself, I dont know how..... Im in therapy actually today is my last one. I know exactly what I have to do. Its my own fault for not doing it!

#17 Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Lisa E. Scott

Whatever

Take it easy on yourself, first of all. You are going through a lot right now and you need to have patience with yourself. The first thing you need to do is allow yourself to mourn him and grieve him. I know it's difficult because you have to mourn the loss of an illusion, someone you thought you knew, but was a fake. It's hard, but don't avoid it. By avoiding it or pushing it down, you're only setting yourself up to deal with it later. Work through the pain. Crying can be very cathartic. Next, read as much as you can about narcissism so you can understand why he is the way he is and know there is nothing you can do to change him. You do not need this toxic man in your life. The reason you are scared is because he has made you believe you need him. He has brainwashed you into believing you need him. You don't need him. He does nothing but make you question and doubt yourself. You do not need this. Practice "No Contact" and slowly over time, it will get easier. But like I said, be patient with yourself and allow yourself to get your emotions out. Know we are here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa

#18 Jun 29 - 11AM

quietude (not verified)

how

whatever, if we can just get you over that initial hump and get your momentum going...! I had bad anxieity in the beginning, I took and occasional pill for it if I felt I was going to spiral out of control, saw a therapist short term. I remember being in her office and thinking 'the lighting in here is weird', but it was my head, I was surrounded by fog, a walking zombie. If you're stupid, so am I...I took mine back three times, and actually agreed to get married...YAY, that'll change everything! (not) It's just an acceptance, really...that it won't change or work. Think of it as something else not possible in your life, like you turning purple with pink polka dots. That won't happen either. I understand that fear of failing too...THAT'S why I'm waiting to date, until I can enjoy myself without being a paranoid mess. The key IS letting go. Then comes taking one baby step forward...then comes a nice feeling ..... along with sadness, lonliness...then comes the second baby step forward. Then comes a little more of a better feeling, and a little LESS sadness and lonliness. It's overwhelming...yes...you need to start 'compartimentalizing' your thoughts. Deal with something major first, let the less important things wait in the wings. Allow yourself to grieve...do a million other things besides thinking about contacting him. Do you remember a while ago, I recommend you get away for a bit, if you can....without your cell...in a peaceful place, with a supportive friend?? This may be a good jolt for you to get you started. Hang in there. I'm glad you're still coming here.

#19 Jun 30 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

neveragain

I agree with everyone's posts

Like quietude, I am also not dating and taking baby steps. It's been since February 28th when he slammed the phone down and I began No Contact. I was terribly depressed and sad for all of March, April, May and half of June! I am just now starting to feel better. BUT, I still have moments. Now, when I have those moments, I let myself really FEEL what I'm feeling. I don't edit it or judge it or try to stop it. I just feel it. I cry and I mourne. Last night I watched a movie called "Ghost Town" with Greg Kinnear. There are two guys in it (the two main male characters) who are A$$holes. Well, in the end, one of them decides to be a better person. I kept thinking of my Ex N.....and how I wished he could see this movie and how I wished that he could have been a better person, etc. (Could someone please tell men when the obsessive thoughts STOP????) Well, needless to say, I was crying (hard) by the end of the film. Then I went to bed, slept and woke up feeling better again. It's an effing roller coaster ride, this "Getting Over an N Thing"!! Hang in there whatever2009.....we're all in this together and you're going to find ways to make yourself feel better. Just don't stop trying to heal!!! Hugs, neveragain

#20 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

whatever2009

CRAZY-making.

I had trouble breathing earlier and the obsessive thoughts about him and all his statements, and pleas, stories, twisted truth...and trying to make sense of it....was literally making me crazy. He is not a CATCH...at all. He does not have a steady job, he has no car, he sleeps tons...he just sits around doing almost nothing ALL THE TIME. So what would I be missing? Why am I crying? Why does it hurt? Why am I fighting the hurt and pulling my hair out. Where did I lose myself and WOW...who am I? He made me feel needed, my whole life (alcoholic mother, narc father)...I have taken care of everyone, I have always tried to make it work and make it better, and it took me 32years to realize with my family its not gonna work, they are just to sick. I use to believe that I just wasnt lovable, or worth changing for, but....that cant be it. IT JUST NOT. So as I sit here...balling my eyes out, I have to realize I am worth it. Im worth more, I deserve more. I demand to be respected and treated well. He is not worth these tears....I need to feel them tho, I need to hurt. Ladies you are an amazing bunch, and I honestly hope all these pricks end up in the same part of hell...they can prove to each other there, how NOT worth it they are! xo

#21 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

quietude (not verified)

whatever

Absolutely, what Barbara said...you need help to get you through. I think this is the first time that I've seen you voice how fed up with him you are...use that anger to follow through. You can do this!

#22 Jun 30 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

whatever2009

quietude...

thanks hun...oh im fed up, but the problem is I have to stay that way. I was just replaying some of the stuff he said to me, and I just felt very disrespected. I am not that girl. People dont disrespect me, I have acomplished a lot. His ex is trying to taunt me a bit as well, with some pics of the 2 of them from a recent party. I was angry when I first seen them, now I cant stop laughing....she is a joke. I have never fought over a man, or shared a man, why should I start now. On top of that he is making me NUTS! So, I need to start thinking straight, and stop the BS. Please dont get me wrong, Im not in anyway over this, but tonight I been through soooo many emotions I just wanna throw in the towel...or beat him with it!!! Barbara - I have read that, I think I should read it again, clearly I was wearing foggy glasses the first time.

#23 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever

have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS? you do know what he's done to your brain chemistry? your hormonal balance? your blood pressure? you have GOT to realize the PHYSICAL impact this evil man has had on you. crying can be cathartic. But you do need to talk to a trained therapist about what is truly eating at you mentally as well. Are you in therapy??????????? on medication? (try something new - there's 100s of variations out there) Take some positive steps for you FIRST THING TOMORROW ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#24 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever

#25 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

quietude (not verified)

woot!

Whatever, here comes a big cyber (HUG!) You're not getting all empowered now, are you?? ;) Your post just made my day. I am very proud of you!!! Wow!

#26 Jun 30 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

Ma_Fury (not verified)

thank you

I was reading these posts and it gives me hope. This is my first day here. I have been trying to break up with an N for about 8 months. I have had No Contact for 2 months. I am all over the place. Do you suppose one day they will have a name for what we are? These men (this man) do a lot of damage! It really is like we were all with the same man, the statements, all of it. I am grateful this website is here, I thought I truly lost my mind. Not that what I am doing is ok, but it feels better knowing I am not alone. Oh by the way, I was talking about this to my sister one day and my brother in law over heard.........He coined the phrase and calls him..........Narce-hole! It isn't very nice but it made me smile. I went earlier to a local bookstore but The book is not there so I will order online.

#27 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

Ma_Fury

There are many names for us: Prey Victims Targets Narc Victims http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/10872.php Get Lisa's book http://www.amazon.com/Its-All-About-Him-Narcissist/dp/1599552183/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233245627&sr=1-1 And think about doing all the reading online you can about Destructive Narcissism (avoid Vaknin, though!) Utilize the numerous articles I have put on the Message Board (there are some on every page) Hang in there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#28 Jun 30 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

devoured_soul (not verified)

There is a name for

There is a name for us....VoNPD. Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

#29 Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

devoured soul

Sorry DS - but VoNPD is a term thought up by one of the many 'snake oil salespeople' about Ns - Kaleah LaRoche. Ms. LaRoche has some terrific articles on Nism but she promises "energy healing." Now I consider myself spiritual and I see a Reiki practioner. But nothing but therapy, rigorous honesty, meds as needed and time helped me heal from all the Ns and Ps I have had in my life. I will never be 100% and VoNPD is not recognized medically. Unfortunately ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#30 Jun 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

quietude (not verified)

welcome!

Hi Ma_Fury~ This website and the people here have been such key players in my healing...I hope you'll find it as helpful as I have. Yes, one of the first things I learned was YAY, I'm not crazy! That in itself is a huge relief. I think the name for what we are is NORMAL! And I do like the narc-hole comment. There are all sorts of colorful names we have for them. And it's not mean...it's expressing the anger and frustration at times that we weren't 'allowed' to have while we were with them. The first few months are tough...keep reading the posts here. You will hear bells & the lightbulbs will start going off...and you will probably say, 'Omigosh, MINE was that way too!'..about a million times!

#31 Jun 30 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

grossot

Ma_Fury

What we are called are victims of narcissistic abuse. They target self doubting successful compassionate people. We are their mirrors. Please do all the research you possibly can on the subject. Here is another book that I've received (ordered it from within one of Barbara's links) Not Under Bondage by Barbara Roberts It outlines various types of abuse and is scripture based BTW - just my suggestion. The obsession gets better after you read and educate yourself as much as humanly possible. Or until N does something to cause permanent damage. If you converse with him as you always have you are supplying and enabling him. MOVE FOREWARD. Don't look back!!!!! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

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