RED FLAGS

This is going to sound unbelievable. When I was in lab class my freshman year of college, my ex-P was the teacher. I was grieving the recent loss of my grandfather, and he'd say nasty things like "toughen up." He'd be very cruel in class;he couldn't stand criticism or disagreement. He started rivalry over him between a classmate and I (a tragic closure to this is that this former classmate died last year under shady circumstances) He told me that I needed to "manage my feelings." I was seeing the counselor (who was also my seminar teacher/a professor/his colleague) on a frequent basis due to his behavior. He'd make jokes about it during class that I had to go the therapist. It was crazymaking/gaslighting. Or is more like someone wounding you, then taking you to the ER??? The fact that I was going to the therapist and that he saw it as some big joke really riles me, now that I come to think about it. A sick power play in the teacher/student relationship.

With my ex-P, I was in denial. There were LOTS of red flags. From the get-go. There was a cognitive dissonance going on--how could a professor/philosopher also be a psychopath? Yes, I was in deep denial... until the D&D. I made excuses for him, because he was a professor. Red flags: -Saying he was afraid of emotions/wishing I didn't have feelings -Admitting that his parents took him to a local mental hospital (WSH) because his emotionlessness scared them -His odd response to physical injury in the lab -Making me read the same passages, over and over and over and over and over "WITHOUT EMOTION" -His "toughen up" when my grandfather died -His own coldness towards his aunt's cancer -Not allowing me to end phone conversations with "have a nice evening/day" -Desire that I drop my friends, and his badmouthing of them -Constant critique of what I ate -Mimicking me as a way of mockery -Lying about his Wittgenstein/Augustine book, then smearing me for it -His angry "you're defending yourself" because I'd stand up for myself -The constant flattery in regards to my writing -Stonewalling me when it came to discussing philosophy--or if he had a girlfriend -Blaming me for EVERYTHING that went wrong -Rudeness towards his own colleagues

" I told him to never contact me again or I would expose him on every website, people at his work, his boss and company. So far, he hasn't sent me another awful email or text..... " Good for you!! How empowering to ignore him and then send that! Hope he knows you\re too strong now to be messed with. Hope he never bothers you again. xoxo

I saw a ton of red flags with my N, right from the beginning. However, I chose to ignore them. Why, I don't know. These "flags" bothered me so much, in fact, that I made an "I wish" list at the time to keep them all straight in my head... 1)Drinking -I wish he didn’t drink as often as he does. -I wish he could stop drinking after he starts, and not get drunk every time. -I wish he didn’t get confrontational when he’s been drinking. -I wish he wouldn’t drink while driving. 2)Temper -I wish he wasn’t as angry of a person as he is. -I wish he wouldn’t fly off the handle… especially when he’s been drinking. -I wish I didn’t feel like I have to tippy-toe around him all the time. 3)Reckless Driving -I wish he wouldn’t drive so fast when I’m in the car. -I wish he didn’t try to race people on the road. -I wish he wouldn’t drink while driving. 4)Gambling -I wish he wasn’t so into gambling. 5)Porn -I wish he didn’t watch it as much as he does. 6)Money Choices -I wish he didn’t gamble so much of his money. -I wish he kept better tabs on his money. -I wish he was more responsible with things like taxes and bills. 7)Prescription Drug Use -I wish he didn’t feel like he has to take Xanax to sleep or to "zone out" when he's stressed. -I wish he had the mindset to never want to use drugs recreationally. 8)Morals -I wish he had more respect for the law. -I wish he didn’t try to cheat the companies he does business with. 9)Social Connections -I wish he didn’t have as many friends as he does that are into questionable activities. 11)Motivation -I wish he had more motivation to work. -I wish he was more career-oriented. -I wish he didn’t sleep in so late everyday. -I wish he had more motivation to keep his house clean/organized and do things that need to be done. 12)Racial Slurs -I wish he wouldn’t make racial slurs. I look back at this and wonder why the hell I even got involved with him. Of course, there were lots of good times to go along with the things I mentioned above. I must say, I'm proud of you for not responding to your exN/P, and I know what you mean by having to read to remind yourself of who they are. I've just recently started reading, so I have a lot to learn. I'm hoping that with each day, it will get easier to distance myself.