last night

27 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 20 - 7AM

Happy1

last night

I have had a very hard weekend this weekend. My N took his son to his boat for Father's Day weekend and we weren't invited. He often says that his son likes alone time with him and he wants to give him that. Anyway, I have craved affection from him for so long... I sent a text asking him if he missed me. He never responded. I ended up sending another text asking him how the weekend was going. He sent a text saying.. Great! We're cooking out and hanging out meeting new people right now. Okay, I know that would sound normal right? But I know my N. He is trying to make me upset and jealous because he's probably speaking with women. I'm so deep in this right now that I know I have to get out. I just sent a text back saying 'sounds like fun' and left it at that and shut my phone off. I turned it back on this morning and he never sent another text and I knew he wouldn't unless it was a mean one. I'm so sad that I'm his enemy. I will never understand how this happened. I am a huge pleaser and I have done everything to please him. EVERYTHING! I've changed everything in my life for him and lost everything because of this. I am having a hard time dealing with this because he's not normal. I've stayed because I feel he will be happier with the next woman and treat her like a queen. I know it's wrong thinking and he will ever be happy but I can't help myself. I'm obsessed with not letting go because I don't want him with anyone else. I have to say that's my biggest fear.

#2 Jun 20 - 5PM

AnotherPath

sad1

Oh he makes me puke. I hope he falls of his f..cking boat and gets eaten by a shark. What you got planned for next weekend? Why not decide to spend some mum and son time together without your phone? You will have such a great time even if you can't see that now. Make yourself be with just your son and connect with him. It will be a real lift for you and he needs you now, not that waste of space sadistic shit head. Great! We're cooking out and hanging out meeting new people right now. Okay, I know that would sound normal right? YEAH does sound like normal, from a narcissistic abusive deluded using disordered pig. Sad1 you've got to be good to yourself, stop putting yourself through this. NC NC NC NC

Ending the dance

#3 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

Happy1

AnotherPath you know just what to say to make me smile

You really get this and me. I truly appreciate you! You totally understand where he was going with that stupid comment he made and is always doing whatever he can to play with my head and cheat and lie. This has been such a hard day it's crazy. I did take my son to the water park and my ex husband. We came out of our relationship friends and he's not an N. I cannot believe I can have a better relationship with my ex than my N. He's so abnormal and cruel to me in every way possible. My therapist says this is the worst N she's every known of. She's afraid for me and I'm afraid for me too. I have a headache and cannot get him out of my head. It's so hard. I love your note AnotherPath and will read this over all night. Thanks!

#4 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

AnotherPath

I get you and all this

I get you and all this because I've walked the path too.

Ending the dance

#5 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

Happy1

You make me feel better AnotherPath

Thank you! You really make me feel better and stronger.

#6 Jun 20 - 1PM

rainbow1

sad1

"I sent a text asking him if he missed me. He never responded." My Xn does the same thing! I have finally started to notice what he will respond to and what he wont. The reason that they do this is so that there is no closure. He doesnt want to say that he does miss you because he is in the devaluing you stage. He also doesnt want to say that he doesnt miss you because he doesnt want you moving on. It is a sick game to them. After going through this twice I could honestly put money on what he will respond to and what he will ignore. They are masters at this game, just remember that.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#7 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

Happy1

Rainbow1

What I don't get is he is going through this devaluing stage and he has said he doesn't even 'like' me. So why doesn't he just go away? Why is this dragging out? I don't get it. How can he hate me and want me? Of course, here I am hating him and wanting him at the same time too. Sounds crazy.

#8 Jun 21 - 2AM (Reply to #22)

Steph

sad1

"How can he hate me and want me?" i know we all want or wanted some glorified, romantic reason as to why they do the things they do.....like maybe he loves me more than anyone and he is just scared etc......but the cold truth is he is a NARC and that is what they do. They idealize you, then devalue you. And if you take them back, they will do it again. It's the nature of the beast and has nothing to do with you. They do it to everyone. " So why doesn't he just go away? Why is this dragging out?' As long as you allow contact, he will not go away and it will drag out and drag you (and only you, not him) down in the process.

#9 Jun 20 - 11PM (Reply to #21)

rainbow1

sad1

It is very hard to understand but if you think of yourself as an object to them you will get it. Think of a child who has a new toy. He loves that toy and plays with it all the time. One day he wakes up and is bored of that toy so he sets it down. He doesnt totally throw the toy away because he remembers how fun and useful it once was and he knows he might want to play with it again. If he totally threw the toy away then it wouldnt be there when he wanted it back. Does that make sense? That is how I had to look at it to help me fully understand. Mine is doing the same thing to me right now. And he has done it before and will do it again. I know that I cant get rid of my N like a lot of you can so I just have to change how I react to him. Trust me I am only 2 months out and it is so hard. Last night he asked me to come over a few times and when I said no he basically stopped responding to me all together. It is a sick game!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#10 Jun 20 - 12PM

betty2020

addicted to the Drama of him

when i was with him life was drama. Some good but mostly bad. The chemicals in my body and mind were so messed up. Feelings of euphoria to feelings of panic to feelings of peace. Round and round on this endless carousel. I forgot my life before this. I forgot what it felt like to be normal and not under the spell of this person. I could no longer identify what was normal and what was insane. When i left my body and mind still craved this drama. His drama. Physically and emotionally it was my routine and now life was non existent to me. Boring with no purpose. Even though internally i knew this was toxic to me i still felt the need to keep this going and not break the connection. As time passed with no contact (hard but not impossible) the feelings of needing this connection began to ease. I didn't feel as needy anymore for him as MY SUPPLY. The more time that passes for me the more i crave the boring but peaceful life i now have. Transformation takes time. Now When he does try to make contact (rarely) my fight or flight response kicks in and i realize clearly why i have no contact with him. It wreaks havoc on me. He is dangerous and i would never have a life or anything real with this person. It would always be a pretend tea party. Not interested today. I need, require and deserve more. Time with no contact is really my best friend right now. I would even go as far to say that i am not putting a 18 month time period on myself. Time is forever and if it takes that long then so be it. I will continue to move forward.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#11 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #18)

Happy1

addicted to drama

Yes, I get the addicted to the drama part of this. I'm extremely addicted to his drama and his ups and downs. Does he hate me or like me today? Did I say something to piss him off? Do I look pretty enough for him? Will he finally say something nice to me today? Will he touch me? Will he think of me? Text me? Call me? These are all thoughts and worries that I now have because of him and this crazy roller coaster.

#12 Jun 20 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Scoop

Betty

How long have you been no contact , do you remember 3 months , where where you at at 3 months nc, thats where i am at just over .Scoop x

#13 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

betty2020

Scoop. congrats on the 3

Scoop. congrats on the 3 months. xoxo I was a hard head. Had to go back for more. Finally i got sick of it and was just wanting peace. I am too nervous of a person today to deal with him. It feels like i suffered shell shock. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about seeing or talking to him now. scary

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#14 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

betty2020

Left in Feb. Road the drama

Left in Feb. Road the drama train till April 2. Got off but still think about jumping back on at times but get nervous. I gotta long way to go......xoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#15 Jun 20 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

betty2020

"I'm so sad that I'm his

"I'm so sad that I'm his enemy. I will never understand how this happened" I'm sorry but you will never make sense of the senseless. There will never be an explanation that makes any sense. You are a good, kind wonderful person and this is why you were picked. It is not your fault he is who he is and is incapable of understanding what he has lost. They are incapable of having or sustaining relationships period. It is not us, it is them. WE CANT CHANGE PEOPLE, WE CAN ONLY CHANGE OURSELVES Sending you lots of love today......

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#16 Jun 20 - 8AM

Scoop

I know how you feel sad1 .

I know how you feel sad1 . There is no easy answer , he has you on a string . you text back "sounds like fun " when really you want to scream in his face "you basterd how can you do this to me i want to kill you " .I will say what i said to you the other day , what you are doing is not working .by keeping in contact with him is so damaging to you , but its almost like you are just use to it now so you keep doing it . There will be a point that something clicks in your head and you stop . the first few weeks are the hardest , all you can do is get your head down and go for it , like running through fire . you are holding on to toxic hope that if you just keep contacting him one day he will turn around and say "doh how could i have been so stupid .. sad1 you are the woman for me lets get marryed " there is never any happy ending with these men ... you found this site because you went looking on the internet to see what his problem might be which means deep down you know there is something seriously wrong with him , his actons dont match his words , he loves you he loves you not . this man makes me so angry because like my narc when ever you stick up for youre self with him he ends the relationship , it doesnt take a scientist to tell you that that aint NO WAY to behave . it cancils out anything nice he has ever done anything loving , when he threaten the relationship like he does in this way it makes you live in FEAR .. this is not love . It POWER .You panic , so you text him , you are going back for comfort to the person who has caused the discomfort . You know that is sick right ? Heres the thing Sad1 he will never tell you to go away compleatly , they will not give you closure . The closure comes from you .. you will have enough soon ... Read woman who loves phscopaths .. dont let the title put you off , its a book writen by a women for women and in no way does it slate you for loving these men , it just explanes what they do to you to get you in this state . And i know the state you are in Lord knows i have done what you are doing 100 times over... Big love to you Scoop x

#17 Jun 20 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

I think I'm there

I think I'm finally getting to the point of NC now and see all the harm he is causing in my life. I'm afraid of me and how this is going to put be in an institution or something when I do it. I'm scared of all the horrible thoughts I will have of him having this great life without me on his special boat. I'm scared of me and my doing the contact after I break it off. I'm so scared and I'm in so much pain. I eat and breathe this man and his every thought of what he is doing right now. I'm so scared of why I am like this. I sit here crying because I don't see hope for me. I don't see happiness in my future. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

#18 Jun 20 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Introspection

It is very scarey sweetheart...

because it feels like you will not be able to survive the pain. You may need to see a therapist and perhaps see a doctor for meds to help you through the initial phase. I recall my breakup, I felt like I was going out of my mind. Since I was blissfully ignorant of the mental illness, at one point, I was even suicidial, blaming myself (his doing) for everything. You have the advantage of this forum and knowing exactly what happens next because we all have been where you are now. We can tell you step by step what happens next because Ns are sooo predictable. It is not healthy to continue the path of trying to hang on to him, it will never work. Start asking "how to" break it off questions and strategies to survive the ordeal and many of us will come to your aid. We are here helping each other out; we are all broken and just tyring to piece it back together. You are amongst family, you are not alone! I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain and only wish you can soon decide to go NC and start the healing process. (((HUGS)))!!!

#19 Jun 20 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Happy1

I feel I'm there

Thank you and you're right. Consider this day 1 of NC then. I'm scared and hurt and can't take anymore. I will call my therapist and I'm on anti-depresents luckily but I'm going to be in a bad place now. I just know it. God this is scary.

#20 Jun 20 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Introspection

I am so happy you've made the decision to go NC...

Okay then let's get to work. No more texts, no more answering his texts (and you will be tempted), no more excuses to make contact with him. If you can, change your number, do not contact mutual friends as NC means that he is erased from conversation and existence. Avoid places that may trigger memories. Taking care of you: eat healthy and remain active. Go out to catch the sun as often as possible. It will be hard because you currently feel physically debilitated as a result of this break-up. You probably haven't had a good night sleep and this is where meds may help. You need to control your thoughts as much as possible. When you feel like contacting him, write your message on a journal. Keep a journal and write often, it will help immensely and in more ways than one. Look to this forum when you get the "why" questions. Do not contact him for that, he will continue to lie to you. Start a new thread (messsage) on this board and announce that you've made the decision to go NC and so that others may offer their wisdom. I am sooo proud of you sweetheart and know that this too shall pass. I know that you are scared but consider this the first day of the rest of your life. Welcome back to life!

#21 Jun 20 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Happy1

thank you Introspection

I will write on the wall my decision. I'm crying and shaking and having a panic attack. I know it has to be done. I don't know who I am.

#22 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

AnotherPath

Yah you, go girl, go NC.

Yah you, go girl, go NC. You can do it we'll all help you through it too. You won't regret it in the long run, it's the only way.

Ending the dance

#23 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

Happy1

thanks AnotherPath

I know NC is the only way and I'm scared but will do my best. I will pray I don't fall off the wagon and talk with him.

#24 Jun 20 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

betty2020

"I don't know who I am". You

"I don't know who I am". You are that smart girl that knows what you must do. Thoughts to action> Action to pain> Pain to progress. Its recovery.... we are all here for you. stay strong.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#25 Jun 20 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

Happy1

scientist

and also it was kind of funny you said 'it doesn't take a scientist to figure this out'. That's what he is is a scientist. He's very smart and obviously knows what he's doing. He's abusing me horribly right now. He's a mad scientist I guess.

#26 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

hitandrun

sad1...good for you!

Good for you for considering NC...it's tough, but will preserve some of your sanity(operative word is some). Listen to the ladies that have walked this path and made it through...it's still new for me. I've been totally no contact since April 21(court papers...guess they count)and have not communicated back and forth since March 24th. Proud of you. If you fall off the wagon, just climb back on. The "scientist" sounds like a jacka$$ who doesn't give a fig about you. I know that is hard to swollow...I am still trying to swollow that nasty pill of him never loving me. Keep posting and keep the faith. You are not alone in this. xoxoxo

#27 Jun 21 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

NC

is the way to go. I still have to maintain some contact because of our daughter--so I limit it to e-mails. When I do see him at our daughter's events, I keep my distance & when he does come over & starts pelting me with questions or demands-- I simply say "send me an email on that matter." And I walk off. It protects my daughter from continuing to see her father yell at her mother. He HATES that I don't "acknowledge him in the presence of others". And there are men out there that feel & care. They take things slowly & calmly. Men that like you & respect you will go slow. They will wait to be intimate sexually because it is an intimate act for them. Remember-you can grow & learn from your experiences. N's cannot.

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