Misconceptions About the Narcissist

43 posts / 0 new

#1 May 27 - 8AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Misconceptions About the Narcissist

There is much written about the narcissist on the internet and, so I believe, much of it is wrong.

There is the opinion that the narcissist needs narcissistic supply. Well, this is quite possibly the fact which is most wrong.

What the narcissist needs most, is support and that is mostly on a material level. So, if you notice that you end up helping a partner constantly and that nothing or little comes back in return, well this is the most important symptom and can be recognized easily as well. If you feel, you are stretching your resources financially and physically, this ought to be the most important alarm sign.

The narcissist, is simply a person who cannot do much for him/herself and expects others to run around for him or her. This fact coincides with the knowledge that narcissists are generally people who have been spoiled as children and expect this pattern to continue.

The idea that narcissists are abused children, appears wrong when looked at it from a cognitive point of view. An abused child knows that (s)he cannot demand. It is not even a concept (s)he has been able to form. Only a spoiled child develops the concept that (s)he can demand. An abused child might turn into a fighter or psychopath but not into a narcissist.

Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive support from a support network. In fact, it is part of the psychological description of a narcissist: Not to be self-sufficient.

Well, as can be imagined, this support network is shrinking in time, and the answer appears to be more and more to find a partner who can be made believe that because of love (s)he has to do everything for the narcissist. (The parents of a narcissist would be just too happy if the narcissist found a new partner because it takes the strain away from the parents the narcissist puts on them). Of course, children are one other support for the narcissist and hence, a narcissist might want to cling on to a child or even a grand child. (This is actually quite an archaic thing, to expect children to help a parent in old age and hence it is deep seated in our psyche.) Narcissists are ruthless when it comes to obtaining resources.

There is this big question: Why is the beginning of narcissistic relationship so grand? This again, is actually - well in hindsight - an easy question. The beginning is just as grand as you make it, because you do most of the running around. The sex life is as good as you are. The fun is as much fun as you are. The conversations are just as good as you can be. It is all centered around you, and the narcissist just watches and goes along with everything.

This is unfortunately very dangerous. Not only that you burn yourself out, but because you are so much in the center, the narcissist prepares you for the emotional attacks later. This is why you end up doubting yourself, because there seems to have been an element of narcissistic behavior on your side at the beginning. This is of the kind: It was all me, hence it was all for myself. Quite some tricky logic, but it works.

Why is it that you love the narcissist so much? Again, in hindsight, this is an easy question and has some almost sinister answer to it. The narcissist reflects you back to yourself and you actually love this reflection which is your own. So, this brings now the biggest confusion about: In the classical sense, you are actually turning into a narcissist (loving your reflection) but in the REAL, psychological sense the other person is the narcissist and you are the victim.

Another twist: Because, the narcissist has been reflecting you back to yourself, you are ready for manipulation. Everything the narcissist says seems to have become your self-reflection and that is when all turns crazy. Who is who - am I me or am I this reflection.

Are there any successful narcissists out there? Well, as mentioned, the narcissist is as successful as the support network. There might be some strange cases where the support system stays with the narcissist, but this must surely be the exception. Hence, it is much more likely, that the narcissist will end up in ruins - emotionally, physically and materially. Step by step, their world falls apart.

If the so called Sam Vaknin is a narcissist, then he is only successful because of the network around him. However, it appears to me that he is just a very good business man now and a lame cult leader who keeps regurgitating his own nonsense.
(Actually Vaknin is NOT a genuine doctor or "expert" but a diagnosed psychopath and con-man:
http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/03/sam-vakin-diagnosed-psych... )

Does the narcissist want you to be weak and destroyed? This is a good question and the answer is not quite that simple: Ideally, you are supposed to run around for the narcissist. You cannot do this, if you are too weak. This is the reason why the narcissist cannot stand it when you are ill. If you are too ill, the narcissist will run away. The narcissist will certainly not help you under such circumstances. The narcissist does not want you to be too strong either, because then you would run away instead of running around the narcissist. So, the narcissist tries to keep the balance. When the narcissist thinks you are too strong, you get bashed, and if the narcissist thinks you are too weak, the narcissist withdraws.

Is there some good advice: Yes: Love yourself and not your reflection. And: There are a lot of nice people out there. Don't accept just any nasty piece of work because you think he might be the only one you'll ever find.

http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk/npd/misconceptions.html

#2 Apr 13 - 8AM

Barbara (not verified)

Misconceptions About the Narcissist

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt MOVING FORWARD: Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

#3 Dec 23 - 2PM

cynthia (not verified)

Interesting Article

As one that was sucked into his life I have my own theory. I believe when they mirror to us it is simply pretending to be everything we want them to be, but the mirroring never lasts, soon they enforce their own rules and turn ruthless and go AGAINST everything we initially wanted. Hence, it is much more likely, that the narcissist will end up in ruins - emotionally, physically and materially. Step by step, their world falls apart. Their world falls apart INTERNALLY, living with an addiction as they do is a HORRIBLE existence, the constant need, wondering where the next and the next fix will come from, its constant work for them but they can not survive without it. They are addicted to many things: admiration, adulation, attention, the vision of the perfect partner, (they never seem to find it), and of course their sexual addiction which is always perverse and self destructive. It is actually UNHEALTHY to masturbate as they do, they do this of course to avoid true intimacy and concentrate on their own sick sexual fantasies. They find it more gratifying to self stimulate than share themselves on a healthy level intimately with a partner. Narcissists are ruthless when it comes to obtaining resources. We are all witness to that, of course they are ruthless because they must have it to survive, no different than a heroin addict, they dont care what lies they tell, who they destroy, they have no concern for virtue because THEY have NONE, they could care less, virtue wont get them their next needed fix, but being dishonest and ruthless will, they will SAY and PRETEND to be anything you want them to be to get it too. The Victims end up dancing all around them trying to figure their lies out from their truths. Some Drug addicts would kill to get their next fix, these individuals do the same thing, they are killing machines because of their disorder. We end up being the brunt of their disorder, the suffers, the bleeding hearts, doesnt matter how fine we are we are all the same to them. Its best to release them to their own world and other victims they will always have, they will find nothing that far better than they had with us because they fail to see the difference, the drug is the same, the supply gives them the same fix

#4 Dec 23 - 2PM (Reply to #40)

betteroff

cynthia

You pretty much summed it up Cynthia. I have a knot in my stomach after reading your blog. It is so very true. I wish you a Merry Christmas and the most important- I wish you a much better (for me as well!) New Year on the horizon!!!!!I cannot wait for 2009 to be over. Love ya, betteroff

#5 Dec 23 - 3PM (Reply to #41)

cynthia (not verified)

love ya too betterof

We have GOT to have a better year in 2010, 2009 was God Awful. Maybe in 2010 we can finally see some results from our healing? I dont know about you but I am damn sick of recovery, its time our lives started to flourish a bit dont you think? It doesnt have to be much, but just a little bit, I will take anything, ha, like maybe finding a job for starters, that would be nice, so I dont have to walk around the planet feeling like a total reject. I hope you have a Merry Christmas as well, we have to make the best of it and remember what we have, and THANK GOD we dont have them for partners anymore, look at it this way, we are on the way and almost there, I would hate to start the whole nightmare over again, It will soon be behind us I can think of a few new years resolutions I will be making this year how about you, ? For starters no more Psychopaths in my life, been there, done that, NOT FUN, let someone other poor soul have the experience and may God help them.

#6 Dec 21 - 9AM

The Girlfriend ...

Supply Economics

I read...and re-read the written missive above titled "Misconceptions About The Narcissist" and although I find parts of the article that have some good thoughts to reflect on, it is also a bit confusing and I think a bit misguided. Someone appears to have written this acticle as if everything in it is 'fact', when actually I think it is just their opinion...stated as 'fact' in parts of it, and I don't agree with ALL of it as factual,...not at all. (Perhaps I am just having a bad day. Perhaps I couldn't read it well because of that...I don't know) For instance the paragraph that makes the statement below, I find to be almost suggesting somehow that it is the victim's fault what they somehow 'choose to see' and that 'there is 'something sinister' in the answers (sinister?)...because it is really a reflection of the victim in the mirror when they look at their narc...and that in their narcissists eyes they are really reflecting back themselves, Huh?????? QUOTE: "Why is it that you love the narcissist so much? Again, in hindsight, this is an easy question and has some almost sinister answer to it. The narcissist reflects you back to yourself and you actually love this reflection which is your own. So, this brings now the biggest confusion about: In the classical sense, you are actually turning into a narcissist (loving your reflection) but in the REAL, psychological sense the other person is the narcissist and you are the victim." Uh, NOPE! Not a 'fact'. He is definately his own person...I have nothing to do with how he views the world in his sick way...geepers...He is NOT me...and I am NOT HIM!!!! ...quoting some psychological/philosphical concept or opinion as if it is fact, but it is NOT factual and does not apply...and in a way it seems to hold the victim of a narcissist responsible for the way they see him...that HE is a reflection of you...um NOT!!! I do not know who wrote this missive, as the person is not identified and whoever posted it is not either, so I cannot ask...however, I DO know that when a person says or writes something with enough authority and others who are vulnerable and looking for answers read it...sometimes one can be led to believe something they read and think it is psychologically factual and sound and answers their questions. That can sometimes mislead and actually hurt a victim of a narcissist who is vulnerable and searching for answers to help them heal. And YES! There are MANY MANY successful Narcissists in the world who's lives do NOT crumble in ruin all around them eventually...in fact, I think MOST narcissists appear to live good lives and MANY MANY are intact and prospering, as they ride the backs of their hapless and unaware victims...they just don't care at all about the damage and destruction they do to others lives...they are vampires...they suck you dry and walk away into the sunset with a charming satisfied smile...however, I DO think they can be evil and wonder if in the end they all go to HE*L. :-)...one can pray... :-) I continue to think that the article on "The Economics of Supply" here on the message board was one of the BEST description written on what makes a narcissist do what he does...his motivation/drive in EVERY situation is to aquire one form or another of 'supply'. I recommend it as it really is an excellent article. If narcissists are just looking for 'Support',as the article "Myths About The Narcissist" implies...um, well, 'support, whether it is in the form of emotional,physical sexual or financial support...it's all really 'SUPPLY' in various forms...and it IS what the narcissist is after. The main point is they do not care...or even more to the point...they CANNOT care about another human being in the way most people do. They are NOT the mirror...they NEED one, desparately!!! And they DO NOT SEE YOU at all,...not really... to a narcissist....YOU do NOT really exist!!!...the ONLY reflection they can see is THEIRS...and whatever suppply they can obtain from YOU...and YES! THEY WILL DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN WHICH TO OBTAIN IT, including pour on the CHARM and blind you from the reality of who/what they are to get that 'supply' from you...when they look at YOU they see opportunity for sexual pleasure, financial gain, stability, emotional support, validation, admiration,you name it. (It isn't just you 'thinking' they do this...they absolutely unequivocally DO THIS with deliberation and calculation! NO ONE IS A BETTER ACTOR THAN A NARCISSIST!!!! We who have dared to love them...or at least love the man they pretended to be...we are simply 'supply'...just food...and when they are done feeding, sucking out all the life force and blood in our body...they take our last breath before kicking us as they rush off in search of their next prey... ...it is also a MYTH that their 'worlds' eventually fall apart in ruin...that is just a happy thought! HAHA...more acurately...they leave us with our lives and our very beingness damaged...with their VICTIMS'S 'world' in tatters and ruins...and this FACT is definately NOT the exception...I don't know anyone who has had a relationship with a narcissistic person who is left unscathed... Everything in the universe...according to the Narcissist is all about HIM...it isn't about YOU...and it isn't about ME... It is all about supply and demand...simple economics of 'SUPPLY'...not some heavy psychological theorum...Narcissists aren't that deep...they are pretty empty shells...no soul, no character...little morals, if any...no real ability to love in any deep abiding way...no real concern for the destruction they cause... They are not some deep psychological paradigm or enigma...their thoughts only run 'skin deep'... The simpler it is to figure out what they are...the easier it is to begin to heal...

#7 Dec 21 - 4PM (Reply to #38)

baddream

Girlfriend--

I agree with you, and not because I was the author of "Supply Economics". I wrote it because I felt very strongly about it, and since I was able to really internalize and understand what that meant I have taken giant steps in my healing. It has allowed me to let go (finally) to any hope that the N will ever be in my life again, and as painful as it is, to realize that there was nothing in my relationship with N that was based on reality, rather he was just feeding off me and taking what he needed at any given time. The second sentence of the above post is entirely wrong: "There is the opinion that the narcissist needs narcissistic supply. Well, this is quite possibly the fact which is most wrong."/ I do believe that supply (the varying condition of surplus vs. deficit) is what motivates a narcissist and has much do with almost every decision he makes. That is not just my opinion, but based on so much reading and many other articles written by authorities on the subject (NOT Sam Vaknin!) Yes, you are entirely right---- the sooner we except the truth about what they are, the easier it is to begin to heal.

#8 Dec 19 - 5PM

justwantpeace

this article says alot

I was thinking on ex. He went from telling me our marriage was dead and he wasnt coming back to i dont bother him. Then I just found out he quit taking his medicine back in Feb and quit counseling. But is trying to convince me and everyone around him that he is getting help. He doesnt want to have a relationship with me to gets angry if I pull away from him to sever all ties. He then tells me Im being difficult and Im the problem. The more I read the more I see the game he is playing with me. He really is using our son to cling to as his support and using him for control over me. Thats wrong.

#9 Dec 19 - 7PM (Reply to #36)

Barbara (not verified)

justwantpeace

too bad you can't force him to continue with meds & therapy to be able to see son... would your attorney go after him for that for visitation? They SHOULD! your son will figure him out - it takes a long time but he will ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#10 Aug 17 - 1AM

cupcake (not verified)

One more thought

Guys I'm just thinking. If just say my 'dreams' came true and he did leave her and say cupcake I want to be with you and I was elevated to the lucky status of his girlfriend. I don't think he would be with me tonight would he? He would be pursuing another cupcake - someone that gives him free supply. There were so many evenings - like WHOLE weekends he would be texting me all day and all night. SO I'm thinking he preferred to be online with me rather than spend time with his girlfriend. If I was his lucky girlfriend he wouldn't be with me. And if he was he would not be interested in being with me. My therpaist said he wouldn't be interested in having sex with me - can I checfk if this is true with your experiences? He would be online with a new cupcake and prefer to be on his porn sites rather than make love to his girlfriend. He wouldn't be with me tonight! I would be more alone and wretched than I am now!!

#11 Aug 17 - 7AM (Reply to #34)

quietude (not verified)

cupcake

You ARE the one who has the LUCKY status if you're no longer with him. I know this is difficult to see now because he still has your mind intertwined with his. After mine left me, one of the first things my therapist said is how lucky I was. At the time, I didn't feel like it and was slightly annoyed at her saying it. But I totally get it now...because of NO Contact...no conversing with them helps you dump so much of the garbage they fed you out of your mind. Who the hell cares what this twisted jerk is up to? It's nothing good, I can tell you that. May be a good idea to re-evaluate your therapy, and find someone who understands these types.

#12 Aug 17 - 2AM (Reply to #33)

Barbara (not verified)

now stop that cupcake...

cupcake you really need to stop this. "humor me"... "just say that..." "if he..." We have all played this game. It's no different with you. He's not different. He's a predator. Period. Tell yourself the TRUTH and stop torturing yourself. Of course he wouldn't have sex with you - either he'd be tired of you or his Madonna/Whore complex (search this site) would have kicked in. STOP pining for a freak, a vampire... a destructive alien. Pretend Guy never existed and never well. Hope you aren't CONTACTING HIM OR THE GIRLFRIEND STILL!!! My exNH stopped have spontaneous sex with me after about 7 years. We were together 20 years and the last 13 - no sex... nothing. And yet he would say he didn't want a divorce or to leave. Read Lisa's book - her experience squares with this. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/20/victim-quotes-about-narcissist-their-life http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/blackmail.shtml and: (psychopath in this text is used to donate all pathologicals, including narcissists) During the luring stage of the relationship, the psychopath totally idealizes her. He indicates he sees her as wonderful, perfect, his soul mate. He notes her amazing abilities, her brilliance, sweetness, and any other personality trait he can hone in on. He did this in order to speed up the sensation of attachment and move the relationship forward quickly. Once the psychopath is assured of her belief that he does in fact idealize her, he exerts The Central Three in the relationship. To do that, he devalues her. In one sentence he may still idealize her. If she displeases him or asserts her self against his dominance he will devalue herâ€”calling her useless, worthless, or compare her negatively to other women he has been with. He may devalue her even if she did not challenge him or he may never idealize her again. Those days of compliments may be gone and she now only experiences his constant devaluing. This leaves her feeling that she needs to do something to get him back to how he felt previously about her. Since she tests very high in relationship investment, she will want to try to make the relationship shift back to its previous dynamics. â€œHe could be so awful and degrading to me and not even seem aware that what he was saying was horrendous. It was as if he thought it was normal to relate like that. He used to call it normal fighting. There was nothing normal about what he did and what he said.â€ This is similar to how a psychopath sees all things in his life, possessions available for his use. The chimps, much like the psychopaths, will however give their females to other chimps in exchange for status and dominance. Some women have also reported to us that their psychopathic partners asked to watch them having sex with other men. The psychopathâ€™s goal is not mere protection of her. His goal is her total dependency on him so he fulfills The Central Three. After all, itâ€™s easier to establish power and dominance over someone who has a level of dependency on him. Since most of the women did not test high in dependency, there are likely to be power struggles with the psychopath as he tries to encourage her dependency in covert ways and she resists. The dichotomy of having experienced this intense sexual bonding with him and being rejected (as a whore or simply as a sex partner) sets up pursuit/rejection dynamics in their sex life. Many women talked about feeling humiliated to have to beg for sex not merely for the sexual experience but to try to emotionally reconnect with him and have him experience the â€œbondingâ€ that they thought the relationship was based on. â€œI donâ€™t know what it was that we had. I use to think I knew. I thought he was as connected as I was. In the beginning, he couldnâ€™t get enough of me. But halfway through the relationship he withheld sex and acted as if I was repugnant. He called me horrible sexual namesâ€¦even used the â€˜câ€™ word. How could I have dropped that low in his eyes?â€ Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#13 Aug 17 - 1AM

insectt (not verified)

Once again..

I love coming here becuse of the 'reality check'. I am not insane, there was something wrong with me, I could have been 'better' to save the realtionship, etc.. It is a bit hard now, since we have no realtionship but still live together. I have moments where I feel invincible and I can clearly see the inhuman creature I cohabitate with, for what he really is...well, an unhuman creature. BUT...there are moments where I regress and wonder...can he REALLY change..is he doing it now?..What's so special about 'HER' that he could not change for me (who has been his rock in his life for the past two years (and those are his words) OR change for his baby's momma (who he has been with for three years. He promised her a family if she kept the baby...but in the end...dumped her because she was too 'controlling'). So, when I see how he acts and behaves with this new girl, there are moments where it crushes me and I think "Well, maybe he really IS changing..if I was really his friend, shouldn't I be HAPPY for him, that he is finally going to 'get it right' this time" He has told me that 'she is different' and if he was 'going to be monogomous' that he needs to 'be careful who he picks for that'. He openly calls her his girlfriend to everyone (something he hasn't done in a looong time)and tells them she is 'the one'. He told me that she is the only one that dosn't cause him stress in his life. I responded with "Of course not, you are not treating her the way you have treated others" He stated "You're right. I haven't treated her the way I treat others. That's called building a new realtionship with someone." I want to scream out and say YOU FREAKIN BASTARD. YOU created the 'stress and drama'. You abandoned your girlfriend and child. Which I feel he did. He didn't 'dump' her until he met the new girl. So, I feel conflicted. I am mad he didn't make any real attempt to 'change' to save a realtionship with the mother of his child (baby is six months old now) BUT he is going to 'change' and 'restructure his life' for this new person?? WTF?! But then I think, well maybe he just realizes that he just can't be with his baby's momma but he DOES want to change. he just realizes it won't work with her. I don't know. I am just so confused right now. It seems like he has clarity into his behavior and wants to do something about it but he fits the criteria for being an N. Even reading other people's stories I can hear and see my N doing the same thing. Someone earlier mentioned thier N put people in two different categories..ones he cut out of his life and his so-called 'friends' and people he assciates with. So does mine! Ugh. Having a 'down moment'

#14 Aug 17 - 2AM (Reply to #31)

Barbara (not verified)

insectt

he said that to HURT YOU ON PURPOSE. It's always wonderful in the beginning with all his prey. READ: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her Get away from him ASAP -- you need TOTAL NO CONTACT with this freak. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#15 Aug 16 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

seduction, mind control... ah-ha moments

I didn't write that - Dr. Hoffman-Engl did. I merely found it - knew it was right and reposted it. Here's another one that is right on the money about HOW THEY DO IT! http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/art-of-seduction.html And this MUST WATCH VIDEO: http://seductionbook.com/popup.html You were not stupid, naive, gullible or an idiot. NO!! I hope you get and read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS to round out this Ah-Ha! Moment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#16 Aug 16 - 11PM

cupcake (not verified)

Understanding being a source of supply

Guys, cupcake again! I have another question...I am beginning to get my head around the fact that women are nothing but supply sources and objects to my N (even the illustrios 'girlfriend' I am so dying to be and think it so lucky and special and worthy for him to choose her). I read a few places that many of you have been stood up by your N's - even for children's birthdays, weddings etc. My N would stand me up a lot. say after work on a weekday he would text and say "what are you doing can I see you" I would say yes what would you like to do then he would come back with "Oh maybe later on in the evening we will see" then I would never hear from him for a couple of weeks. Why ask me in the first place if he has no intention of actually seeing me? gets me all excited that we might have a date then he doesn't bother to show up, call or even text to say he isn't coming and I am left waiting and confused lal night. HE is the one that asks ME to do stuff then HE doesn't show up. Is the actual asking a source of supply? So just contacting me and saying that is enough for him which is why he doesnt follow through? I don't udnerstand these people - who does that to someone?

#17 Aug 16 - 11PM (Reply to #27)

Barbara (not verified)

sure

of course that's supply. READ!: http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/07/hurting-you-isnt-something-narcissists.html I don't understand these people - who does that to someone? I know you think I'm being a bitch & kidding... but guess what - I'm not. THEY ARE NOT HUMAN. Did you read thru all the links I gave you before? ALL of them? Like the one that said it's DANGEROUS to ascribe NORMAL HUMAN MOTIVES to a Narcissist? Read it again! http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/07/danger-of-ascribing-normal-human.html They get off on playing games... they aren't human... you will NEVER figure them out - psychiatric RESEARCHERS can't figure them out!! THEY LIKE KNOWING YOU WANT THEM AND THEN DENYING IT TO YOU! They get HIGH on that! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#18 Aug 17 - 12AM (Reply to #28)

cupcake (not verified)

So let me get my head around

So let me get my head around this. Supply is hurting us also? So him doing that gives him his 'fix' getting me excited about seeing him then blowing me off? They enjoy that and enjoy feeling that way? He enjoyed it OMG I udnerstand now. So he did that to hurt me and enjoyed it.

#19 Aug 16 - 11PM

April (not verified)

Barabara- AHA moment

Barbara, you nailed it! You told my story in the above posting. Well, you told the story of the N and victim, but it was incredibly profound. Yes! I told him at the beginning of the relationship that it was so easy to support him, that it almost felt like I was supporting me. Funny, how true my words were. That was a sign to myself that I DID need to be supporting myself. Actually, what I had no idea about was that our "mirror image" similarities were indeed so because he mimicked me and observed me. Yes, I know some of the similarities were legitimate, but so much of it was the con job. UNCANNY. I also said to myself so many times over that I provided all the fun and I was the reason we had a great sex life. I was the life and breath of that relationship. I became aware of this toward the end. He was really dead weight and simply mirrored me when I believed times were so good. He really provided very little in return, except went along with things. I began to feel a little one sided and when called on it, he eventually ran. IN addition, our problems started when I got pneumonia one winter. I was so desperately ill and he was almost cruel and certainly showed no concern at all. When my dad was in the hospital with a serious medical condition, I quietly sat in church beside him and cried. He seemed angry. His little girl hugged me and he reprimanded her for that, discouraging her for showing compassion and care. Her hated "weakness" and he percieved loving compassion as such. Yet, interestingly when I was strong he seemed extremely threatened. Wow, what is so startling is how easily I was hooked into my own mirror reflection in him and how that made me vulnerable to his extreme manipulation later. It is almost like my own self identity was not strong enough to withstand it. I became what he thought of me. His treatment and perceptions of me became what I thought of me. How sad! I had a real AHA moment tonight. NO ONE can define you but you! I get it, Barbara. I was hooked into the highs and got suckered in and wasn't able to get out before the abuse started. I let him define me. Yes, I really liked being with someone that seemed to "get me" so well and shared so many similar interest. That is fun in any relationship, but the boundaries were so blurry, that I honestly couldn't say where he began and I left off. It is like we were sharing the same consciousness. That is deep and a little out there, but that is how it felt at times. NOT HEALTHY!!! Thanks so much for putting in a way that resignated so well with me. That's amazing to have it so perfectly summed up.

#20 Aug 16 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

YES!

HELL YES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#21 Aug 16 - 9PM

cupcake (not verified)

"Narcissists are ruthless when it comes to obtaining resources."

Ruthless in what way? Is their whole life about obtaining new sources?

#22 Aug 15 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

some misconceptions about Narcissists

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#23 Jun 26 - 2PM

justwantpeace

OMG that part about running

OMG that part about running when you are ill is so my stbx. i remember having to go to the er one time and my mom had to take me. he couldnt go cause he had to get some sleep for work. i remember taking our son to the er for a broken hand and he refused to go. I sit back and think on how for so long i felt he didnt love me or care for me. right now he is withdrawing because ive been apologizing to him. i can see him come at me when something happens with the divorce. thats when he lashes out at me trying to control me. i really dont think he wants to divorce me. one he doesnt want to let go of money that he could spend and the other it takes his control away and his fix.

#24 Jun 27 - 4AM (Reply to #19)

neveragain

When I was faced with

When I was faced with surgery to find out if I had cancer, I told my (now ex) N that I was scared. Do you know what he responded with?......"Well, Everybody's scared of surgery, neveragain! Remember when I had my hernia!?!?" I was stunned. I was speechless. I basically, hung up the phone. Then I had my daughter take me and pick me up because OBVIOUSLY I was too much trouble for N-boy. THAT was when I started to really "get it". That he was never, ever, ever going to be there for me in any way, shape or form. By the way, it turned out that I didn't have cancer, but needed some pretty extensive procedures to eliminate the problems I was having related to my ovaries. I just am glad that all that is over and done with. neveragain

#25 Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

neveragain

just yesterday I put my foot in my mouth twice when a friend told me she had cancer. I was in shock. In turn she has called me a 'Narcissist' and a 'condescending twit' and to never speak to her or her husband again. I still feel horrible. But true narcissists turn it all back on to them and show ZERO empathy. Just ZERO. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#26 Jun 28 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

neveragain

What?!?!?

I'm sure there was a misunderstanding on her part. To call you a 'Narcissist' and a 'condescending twit' sounds like she was really lashing out at you. I mean of all things....why choose the one word we've come to know as what describes someone who CAN'T EMPATHIZE??? Barbara, you are more than empathetic. You help so many of us here and your expanded knowledge of Narcissism and Psychopaths is very, very helpful. You've ALSO been through a lot of health issues and know just how debilitating that is first hand. Your friend is probably in a great deal of emotional and physical pain. It's not a matter of comparing each others pain levels, it's a matter of compassion. We all put our foots in our mouths at times....but when we own that we did that and apologize, well, a real friend will understand.

#27 Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Lisa E. Scott

Welcome justwantpeace

Yes, I remember I got so ill to the point, I lost the ability to walk (it was an auto-immune response/allergic reaction to penicilin, which took the doctors way too long to figure out). In any case, my ex could not get away from me fast enough. My mom even commented on it. That's how quickly he removed himself from the situation. They need us to take care of them. They panic when they think they need to take care of us.

#28 Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

they don't just panic

they don't CARE why should they - we are just OBJECTS to them. Things to use and abuse. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/06/10/staying-married-narcissist-can-endanger-your-physical-health in my story I said: He makes fun of you being sick. Accuses you of faking it & being lazy despite doctors talking to him about how seriously ill you are. He steps over you when you need to crawl on your hands & knees to the bathroom. A female friend has to help you shower. exNH still treats me like crap because, well - I am ALWAYS sick. It's a degree. Since my surgery last month I am walking slowly. I have lost 10lbs but that's good. However, my M.S.? Still bad... and he and my late NarcMother talked about me - IN FRONT OF ME - like I was a liability. Like I wasn't even there. SICK. truly evil & sick people. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/barbaras-story ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#29 Jun 26 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

justwantpeace

Lisa & discussed the 'running when you are ill' thing on the first radio show which you can hear here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim/2009/05/21/All-About-Him- He won't divorce you- YOU will have to file. PLEASE DO SO. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#30 Jun 26 - 8AM

Debra (not verified)

How true!

What an amazing post Barbara, full of truths. This statement says it perfectly.. "There is this big question: Why is the beginning of narcissistic relationship so grand? This again, is actually - well in hindsight - an easy question. The beginning is just as grand as you make it, because you do most of the running around. The sex life is as good as you are. The fun is as much fun as you are. The conversations are just as good as you can be. It is all centered around you, and the narcissist just watches and goes along with everything." I think this, in some ways, applied to my entire relationship with my N. When I was all done running around for him and stopped "pretending" to go along with his reality that is when I was devalued and discarded--no longer any use to him. He realized I figured out what is wrong with him. I actually CRITICIZED him and that is unforgivable by his rules. He once said to me "never say anything you can not take back.." He remembers every perceived insult (large or small) from all the people in his life, dating back to the year one. When we were together he would categorize people. There were two groups--friends and family he talked to, and those who he no longer had anything to do with him. The second group was growing in size, his group of friends withering way--those who figured him out and stopped performing their roles. That paragraph in your post explains so well why he no longer has anything to do with his brothers, sisters, daughter, grandchild, mother, and friends he has made over the years. It therefore comes as no surprise he wants nothing to do with me either, I think I always knew I would be added to the discarded heap of people in his life. Your post explains it better than anything I have read. Thanks so much..

#31 Jun 24 - 4PM

Justababe (not verified)

narcissist boss

And what of the boss who is clearly narcissist, is capable of hiding his pathologic manipulations and has enabling employees? What becomes of those of us who are not enablers but now realize, perhaps too late after 15 years on the job in a weak economy, that he is a narcissist? How do we survive when he starts getting nasty because we're NOT enablers?

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews