A Mask of Goodness?

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#1 May 24 - 1PM
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

A Mask of Goodness?

Can someone please enlighten me on this?

My ex pathological was considered the "good one" in the family, went out of his way to help others. Acted very humble. Had lots of people who thought he was just the best thing ever. Never heard one bad thing about him from anyone.
He wants to play the hero, I guess.

And he was "the best thing ever" with me until the relationship was leaving fantasy-land and moving into the real world.

The way he left me should be enough for me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is f*cked up.

Lying about the money, dumping me over the phone 7 days before I was to move up with him and canceling the wedding.
After he was promising undying love just the day before...have not seen him since.

When he would binge drink he said (to me) that he hated people. He bought lottery tickets or played keno everyday(found this out later). He used to go to Vegas and Atlantic City a lot when he was flush and gambled online, too. Lives with his parents(didn't always.)

And the LIES...OMG!!! Didn't find out until I was erased about the other tall tales(always had a grain of truth in them.)

I've probably written this before but HOW do they pull off having friend for years and family who think they are the best thing since sliced bread, they act humble around others, but turn weird when the jigg is up with a romantic partner.

That's the hard part...did he just fall out of love with me(since he's such a "nice guy") or is he twisted?

Someone smack me into reality one more time,please.
I'm reading everything I can get my hands on.

Thanks everyone...broken record needs to be taken off the turn-table, I know.

Jun 6 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

In Spanish they call it dos

In Spanish they call it dos carras. Two faces. He had a lovely exterior and his interior, which you couldn't see, was a nightmare. He involved you in a game that cost you money, by canceling the wedding it cost you some self-respect, he dashed your dreams, and also made you doubt your ability to make sound judgements. Now that is a guy who can run a game! You had no fault in this by the information you were holding he was a good guy and a nice guy. He didn't show you his second face until he was ready to mess up your life and move on. You got the largest dose of reality, served in a mean and malicious way, by a bad guy. This man is a gambler, he is crazy, he is a binge drinker and you were lucky enough to dodge the bullet. Can you imagine what your life would have been like if you married this guy? You would be in money trouble, IRS trouble, drunk and disorderly trouble, maybe domestic violence when he was drunk and you would come home everyday not knowing what horror to expect. When you are with the angel/devil type your life would have spiraled into poor physical health, emotional problems, losing your job, and if you were married you would have been responsible for any debts he incurred while you were married. You dodged so many legal, emotional, financial, and physical bullets with this guy you should be thanking your lucky stars.
May 27 - 6AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

TWISTED

That's the hard part...did he just fall out of love with me(since he's such a "nice guy") or is he twisted? He was never in love with you to begin with, undying love, ya right I heard that one too, I was the one for him, and always wanted me, ya right. You truly know when the narc tells you he loves you that you have caught him in another lie, they cant love.
May 25 - 10PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

knowing him...

I told my ex N that the reason he dumped is that i am the only one woman and maybe the mother of his children(i say maybe because when i did expose him she told me he wasn't a bad person...well after 18 years with him no wonder she is brain dead)that REALLY knows how disturbed he is and that he cannot fool me anymore and he was angry them calmed down and was quiet as a mouse...then went on saying all kinds of devaluing stuff about me and showed more and more of his toxic personality...since then he stopped calling and texting,blocked me from Skype and never used his nickname again on the internet...he told me that i was a dangerous woman and that he knows now what i am capable off,since i exposed him to the mother of his children....By the way he wasn't living there anymore.child services and his ex told him to leave after something happenned with his then 15 old daughter.....

Aceonelady

May 25 - 3PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The real him is just for you . . .

And no one else. NO ONE KNEW HIM EXCEPT ME. To everyone else, he was the loving, devoted, volunteering, selfless, bumbling, self-deprecating, foster father. He was the sort of person everyone sent food home with, you know? The salt of the earth. Meanwhile, I was WAITING AT HOME, with his other children that no one knew about, and when they were in bed I'd get whipped with a belt, my hair pulled, screwed everywhere but where a man is supposed to, and the next day he'd say tell everyone I was nuts and text me: "Hi, baby." No one knows them except the women they destroy. No one.
May 27 - 6PM (Reply to #38)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The real him is just for you .

No one knows them except the women they destroy. No one. You hit the nail right on the head. Thats what fumes me in my recovery, his parents thought he was just the best son ever, mom left him over a million and her house when she died, her son could do no wrong, he was her KING adored him. She went to her grave never knowing what a sick SOB he was and what he did to humans. See how they can fool even their closest family members, its the victims and women in their lives they destroy. He cant fool me I know what a disturbed person he is and what a fake he is to everyone who thinks he loves them. Knowing him he probably did Everything for his mother to get all her money in the end, when she called he jumped to her needs, pathology is something you cant turn off so he did it knowing there would be something in it for him, its always about them and what they can get, always!!! Nice as can be to those who dont know them then abuses and beats the shit out of those close behind doors, they have lots of enemies
May 28 - 9AM (Reply to #39)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yours sounds so much like mine, Cynthia....

no one saw the REAL him for years....except me..his mommy dearest was his biggest enabler.....and she had more issues than the reader's digest herself......she had bought him out of EVERYTHING from the time he was a child..... she had money and he wanted it......she was almost as sick as he was.......and made him do parlor tricks like a dancing bear for it.....and he did it...... but oh....he was her 'darling boy'.....a could do no wrong......and if he did do OBVIOUS wrong she quickly made it disappear........ it's sickening to behold.....how people turn a blind eye to these twisted pieces of shit..... yeah...he was the 'dutiful son'.....the 'nice guy' who menaced and threatened and terrorized me and my pets for years.... however...now that the bastad is dead......i don't see any of his enablers stepping up to claim is cremated carcass.... “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog
Jun 6 - 2PM (Reply to #41)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

throw his ashes on a pig farm

I hate to ask you this but how did he take Ben away? Did he make it look like an accident? I was going to say Ben will be getting his revenge now but the bastard is in hell and Ben is in a good place. Not only was mine an EXTREME pervert, I mean extremely sexually sick he hid his evil through his charm and little boy smile, he had mom and dad fooled to the very end, his mother thought he was the greatest son that ever lived. Wish I could have played all his sick messages he would send me before she passed away, telling me all women are just cunts and he just fucks em and leaves em, MOM would be proud indeed, geez isnt mom a female too mmmmm. She never knew her son was a sexual predator quite capable of killing just as yours did. Personally I think he kissed her ass and was her slave all his life just to get the million she left him, and sure enough she left him everything, the house, and almost a million on top of the million he already had. How is that for justice and closure for ya? Oh well to me he is just a wealthy rapist thats all. He still has two more years on the police force, maybe he will get killed on duty yet before he retires so he will never enjoy what he swindled others out of all his life. We can only hope
Jun 6 - 5PM (Reply to #44)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

BEN....and how the psycho murdered him.

he smothered him to death on his own bed...i wasn't letting the monster live in the house...he was living in a motel, and coming to the house only to work in our real estate office, which was in the basement.......he murdered BEN on Valentine's Day 2007........it was snowing....he showed up...i had all the dogs in but one.....i left the monster alone with my baby for less than three minutes while i went out to bring Sandy in...when i walked in the door...he was standing over BEN'S body...holding a goose down coat...SMILING down at him....and he said.....'he's dead'....just like he was saying 'good afternoon'......he smothered him to death with a down coat...while i was outside for less than three minutes......... there is no Hell hot enough for him.....i have a plan for his remains which i will be announcing shortly.....and it will be FILMED for the enjoyment of everyone here....... “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog
Jun 6 - 5PM (Reply to #43)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

BEN....and how the psycho murdered him.

he smothered him to death on his own bed...i wasn't letting the monster live in the house...he was living in a motel, and coming to the house only to work in our real estate office, which was in the basement.......he murdered BEN on Valentine's Day 2007........it was snowing....he showed up...i had all the dogs in but one.....i left the monster alone with my baby for less than three minutes while i went out to bring Sandy in...when i walked in the door...he was standing over BEN'S body...holding a goose down coat...SMILING down at him....and he said.....'he's dead'....just like he was saying 'good afternoon'......he smothered him to death with a down coat...while i was outside for less than three minutes......... there is no Hell hot enough for him.....i have a plan for his remains which i will be announcing shortly.....and it will be FILMED for the enjoyment of everyone here....... “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog
Jun 6 - 4PM (Reply to #42)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cynthia

he smothered the poor guy ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 28 - 10AM (Reply to #40)
secondchance
secondchance's picture

so funny!

the dancing bear made me laugh! i always felt like my husband was auditioning every time he was around her. not a real relationship at all. of course he isn't capable of having a real relationship with anyone!
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
secondchance
secondchance's picture

amen to that!

no one knows them but the people who actually live with them!
May 25 - 10PM (Reply to #37)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

secondchance

actually sometimes the people who live with them are BLIND and in their thrall too ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 12PM
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

When will it ever sink in?

Yesterday I was accepting it and productive. Today I could not get out of bed until 12 noon and am crying. 18months to START feeling better? I believe it now. What a mess. I feel like an addict.
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

hitandrun

I feel for you and with you. I am completely cut off from him, and I am now completely an outsider, with no "right" to ask where he goes or what he does. Even though he lied all the time anyway and I didnt' matter, it's so bizarre to be just "watching" his life, knowing I hated being with him, wasn't loved by him, had no future with him. It's so much to wrap one's head around. I don't know what is in store in the months ahead. This was going to be our great summer together, and though I know that wasn't really going to happen, abandoning the illlusion and the hope is really, really hard.
May 25 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Helldweller

Sister, my heart goes out to you. You live so close to the bastard. At least my ExSpath is 3 hours away. One of the things I am going to do over the next 2 weeks is construct a vision for my life that is much better than the vision of life he offered me. I need that to focus on INSTEAD of the vision of life he offered me(marriage, big Italian family, soulmates, yadda yadda). This vision will be based on my dreams that I can turn into a reality...not some conjuring bullshit that was designed to fill a void in his life until something or someone else came along when he got bored. Create YOUR new Vision and throw his lying,designed to control you, never-intended-to-come-to-fruition,counterfeit vision away.
May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hitandrun

you are an addict. have read the 3 blog posts entitled AM I UNDER HIS SPELL? or HYPERAROUSAL OF THE NERVOUS SYSTEM? are you in therapy with a trauma counselor??? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

YES

But I don't know if I can term my counselor as a bonafide trauma counselor. I have read the posts. I will read them again and again and again.
May 25 - 12PM (Reply to #19)
Janet
Janet's picture

It is addiction - abuse

It is addiction - abuse addiction. Dang, wish I never started. Peace. J

Peace. J

May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Janet

no - hormone addiction and THEY start it - not us ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #21)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Barabara confused on hormone addiction

Will reread hyperarousal but how do they START it?
May 25 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

addiction via our hormones

The early days of being wooed and lured by a pathological are the most exciting times that women remember. Consistently described as “charming” the pathological is irresistible in his personality traits. Women described him as “a charming and engaging conversationalist, agreeable, insightful, sweet, twinkling eyes, a compelling talker, funny, a great storyteller, fun to be with, delightful, exciting, companionable, loyal, enthusiastic, upbeat, fun-loving, intense, and sensitive.” From this list of traits, it’s easy to see why women are enamored with his personality. By this list, what’s not to like? During the luring stage, he is highly complimentary. Pathologicals use intensity and then flattery to overwhelm her emotionally, and then set her at ease. The purpose of the luring stage is to hook her. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the pathological’s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in the bonding-hormone oxytocin (from all the sex), and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives together… the pathological is solidifying his internal imprint in her by his use of trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. ~~~~ The bonding hormone oxytocin is one of the most powerful natural anti-anxiety chemicals there is! That is why sex is so relaxing. During sex, oxytocin is released and you feel not only happy and bonded with your mate, but afterwards, you are relaxed and anxiety-free. Early in the relationship, the pathological isolates his woman from the rest of the world and her social network. Therefore, she has little emotional support from others that would normally serve to help her reduce or manage her anxiety effectively. Being with a pathological is anxiety-producing. The pathological has a fight with her raising her level of anxiety. She thinks about leaving or takes steps to leave the relationship and that triggers profound anxiety in her. Without friends and family as support to help her manage her anxiety, she is in need of anxiety relief. She turns to the pathological himself—both the creator and reliever of stress. He gratefully relieves her anxiety through sex. She feels closer to him during sex, hormones are released, and afterwards she is indeed, momentarily less anxious. And with her hyper-hopefulness, she believes they will reconnect during sex and it will heal the current conflict. The excitement seeking in her that found the pathological’s extraversion attractive is now hitting the wall and causing extreme emotional exhaustion. The adrenaline rush she used to have at his “edginess,” “risk-taking behavior,” or just his extraverted dominance is beginning to burn itself out. The drama, the highs and lows, the daily power struggles, the weekly uncovering of some new lie and the constant fear of being abandoned are all now producing fatigue. A dichotomy exists between the excitement she still feels with him when the relationship is smooth (which is becoming less frequent) and the utter exhaustion that comes from being in a relationship with a pathological. The pathological has a remarkable relationship thermometer and when he senses her distress at the relationship that may cause her to give up altogether, the pathological can turn it around by sparking the relationship fires again. For the short term, he may use all the excitement techniques that he knows she likes. The woman rides a roller coaster of adrenaline and fatigue that will last far beyond the time she spends with him. The exhaustion can also come from not only the emotional roller coaster of life with a pathological but also from the pacing of their lives together. Since many pathologicals need much less sleep than normal people, lack of sleep is likely to catch up with her. The pathological consistently keeps her awake, demanding her company while he watches TV, picks fights, or wants marathon sex. Her diet, exercise, down-time, spiritual practices, and friendships all go by the wayside while her stress levels increase. The fast-paced lifestyle contributes to a total deterioration in her health. Her physical exhaustion can greatly increase her emotional fatigability. She is now unable to hold her ground against the pathological, and despite the exhaustion, she remains hypnotized, fixated on his extraverted, often very sexual, highly exciting persona. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Thanks Barbara

I've got the book, just forgot until I started reading what you posted. This just sucks! Just call me Ms. Positive : )
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

this is how they do it

This is PRECISELY & EXACTLY how they DO IT!!! I keep trying to tell everyone... ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Barbara,,,I'm a believer

When I look back on it, that's it exactly what happened. Sex,sex,and more sex. And now I am paying the price. Back on the celibacy wagon for now.
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hitandrun

celibacy AND No contact AND no dating for at least 18 months AND therapy for one full year you need to deprogram and that's what its gonna take\ I'll never understand why I tell women this over and over and so few absorb it, believe and try to educate themselves. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Sign me up

I was celibate for a few years and was focusing on my career when "Mr. Nice Guy" came along. Now my career is having to be rebuilt along with my self-esteem, nervous system, and soul. Dating is so far from my mind. I went out a couple times with someone and really was just going through the motions...have no interest in it. Kind of an ego boost to be able to say I went out (silly, I know.) As for NC...that's easy. But I might see him in court. As for therapy, God knows how long I'll be in that...hopefully just a year.
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hitandrun

if your Doctor or therapist will (PLEASE) diagnose you with PTSD - you do NOT have to be in court with him at the same time. That's an ACCOMODATION via the ADA ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Really?

She did diagnose me with it. But in reality, he will most likely blow the whole thing off and I won't have to go. I asked it be handled via affidavit unless the jackass wants to go to court. His pattern is to blow things of this nature completely off. But it is good to know I have an out. Do I just have her send a letter on my behalf to the court? Thank you.
May 25 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hitandrun

have her give you a blanket letter saying you have PTSD then send a copy to the court saying you can not be in the same room with him for any reason and asking what accomodations they can give you. don't count on him not showing. Do Not. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller