Tale Of A User

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#1 May 21 - 1AM

TygerTyger

Tale Of A User

I just have to share this because it's so insane..haha. Opinions and comments welcome! Hope you enjoy it..if possible!

This actually isnt about my N and me, but about him and an ex GF. Watch how he took her for a ride.

GF is a talented creative director. Artist, etc. She is not blessed, however, with good looks. Socially awkward... homely and I had always thought she was a lesbian..because she had this real unfeminine tomboy vibe. Also, I know her professionally and have worked with her..very marble mouthed, hard to understand and rude.

Anyway, the point is, not exactly Miss America. But doing well financially and very talented.

Along comes my N. A somatic N with a very high sex drive. This was about 8-9 years ago. He's a musician, very handsome, sparkling smile. They hook up and sleep together the same night. Thus began a 3 year relationship.

During the course of this he told me he essentially put her to work with all kinds of projects..designing his website, working on CD covers and creating drawings of him for the website..he joked that he had her do them 100 times until they were right. From what it seemed, this was a dream come true for a homely girl like her. A photo I saw of her was like Mutt and Jeff..talk about a "beauty and the beast" scenario..it really blows my mind to see her, as I know her..with him of all people. But that's not all.

She bought him gifts..a new guitar that had to be about $1500, took him on trips, bought dinners, etc. He claimed he never took this for granted but he also is a master at "doubletalk"...whatever he says, the opposite is true.

He also tried to get her to dress up like a lady, and took her to department stores to try to get her to wear make up and stop dressing in men's shirts. I don't know how successful he was.

He says he broke up with her because she was emotionally immature, like a 12 year old. I can believe it, knowing her, but I wonder if there were other factors going on. He told me once that she went crazy when he hugged one of her Asian friends, who felt he was coming on to her. Both the women were upset with him, and he claims it was innocent.

This makes me wonder if he was even faithful to her during any of this...considering he also told me flat out he was "promiscuous." Uh...okay, the huge was innocent..and then you tell me you fuck around. ??

Mind boggling, isn't it?

Even after breaking up with her 6 years ago, he talked about her CONSTANTLY. This was really getting on my nerves. I reminded him of her, we said similar things..had simular jobs..but then he'd go off on tangents saying her new boyfriend looked like him, saying how great her Facebook picture looks, etc etc right in front of me. It was like all I did was listen to stories about her and what sounded like bitter, jealous regrets from him.

He may have used her, but he also seems still obsessed with her, to the point of distraction. She was like a ghost that hung around us all the time.

Yeah, this all SUCKED!

Here's the capper, then I'll shut up. I want to relay to you what he had written in the online ad I responded to when I found him..this was his opening line:

"I want to make it clear that I am not a Peter Pan looking for a sugar mama to support me while I chase some unrealistic dream at an absurd age. I could have had that once, but I walked away because I knew it wasn't right."

Knowing what I know now...WHAT A CROCK! It took him three years to figure it "it wasn't right." Suuuuuurrrreeeee. Three years of gifts, favors, free artwork and trying to change her into something that resembled arm candy.

HAHAHA!

And bullshit he's not looking for some sort of support from a woman. He started in with the same crap with me, wanting me to do graphic work for him, which turned into an avalanche of stuff...which prompted me to stop and end the relationship...and any future friendship. No, we're done. She survived three years of that..I could only take 2 months.

BTW..he's also, to this day, paying off a LOAN she gave him. Good grief.

Now that I type all this out..WOW! What a user.

Anyway, any insight, comments..all is welcome. Also, can someone explain why he is still so obsessed? Is it really LOVE? Do N's really pine for someone because they love them and miss them...or is it the ATTENTION they miss? He would talk about her so much, like it was just yesterday this all happened. I've read about N's weird sense of time, too.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!

#2 May 21 - 10AM

quietude (not verified)

tyger

Trying to figure out why an N makes certain moves will just drive you crazy. You can recognize certain patterns...and say to yourself, well, that's an N for you! He used her, he used you, he uses everybody. They pick their victims for whatever current supply need they have. The do not love, any past supply to them is still their possession..and they may or not revert back to that possession for whatever reason, for any whim they may have. Sometimes, once a victim is discarded, that's it. Unless an N feels like they can get more supply out of them for whatever reason...who knows, and more importantly, who cares? They are seriously disordered and non-human. Thinking of their actions in logical ways will only frustrate the hell out of you. I'm almost certain my ex had an old supply on the hook while he was engaged to me telling me one thing, likely telling her something completely different. MAKES NO SENSE....."that's an N for ya!"

#3 May 21 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

betty2020

any past supply is still their possession?

Is this true? Will i ever be rid of this nut? Even if you make it crystal clear that you will never have anything to do with them? No contact. No friendship. Nothing? They will still haunt you? How do i stop him? This is becoming very scary to hear all of this. How do you get it across to the N that you are no longer the supply and you will never be that supply again? Help!!!!

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#4 May 21 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

quietude (not verified)

yes

Sorry betty, didn't mean to scare you! But unfortunately, yes...they can come back and 'recycle' old supply. They don't know what boundaries are. Telling them all those things goes right over their heads, and only gives them more attention...even bad attention is still attention. If you were in legal proceedings, your attorney can tell his attorney that you are not to be contacted or face legal action. My ex tried to win me back for 6 months...and this is me NOT responding to him! He was basically having a conversation with himself...and answering himself. It was comical to watch. He mostly gave up, but I believe it's only because he secured another supply or supplies. It's so odd, I used to adore this person, and found myself actually PRAYING he'd find someone else so he wouldn't bug me! I felt ashamed too, because I truly feel sorry for his victim. I know she has a clue to how he is, so she continues in a state of blissful denial. I don't consider mine dangerous, so I didn't seek a restraining order...he was more just a pest. But I probably wouldn't have hesitated if I did...that is another way to try to keep them away. You have to just keep up NC to the best of your ability...starve the vampire.

#5 May 21 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

wallaby (not verified)

Betty2020

Some do drop you for long periods of time - some don't - but you are always theirs in their minds so there is always the possibility they will show up again when they want you again for whatever reason. To know what the likelihood is with yours - past behavior is best predictor of current behavior - I haven't read your story so can't say (but will look for it and read it). The ONLY way to get it across to them you are no longer supply (and guard yourself from them) as Barbara is always saying is NO CONTACT. And that means doing everything in your power to not allow them to contact you (block phone numbers, change emails, etc) and DO NOT RESPOND when they do contact you. Any response from you(even if you are angry) is read as victory and keeps them engaged with you. Blankness. Nothing. No response. Once they realize they can't get ANYTHING from you anymore they tend to drop away. You have to know you can't talk through or "process" or "work through" ANYTHING wiht them. They will never understand what you are doing or why or have any insight or give any closure. And they lie about it all anyway and try and scramble your brains in any conversation on the topic. ONLY YOUR ACTIONS actions will get them to drop you - NO CONTACT is the surest way to facilitate their moving on. There are situations when total NC is not possible (i.e. when you have kids with them or in working situation) or advisable (with violent psychopath you may need to keep tabs on them). I would let Barbara guide you as to the specifics in your case. ANd read and read and read here a about NC and how often hard it is and how they will try to break it so you can be prepared.

#6 May 21 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

TygerTyger

I Agree

NC is the only way. it is hard, because you're in such a habit of attending to him and/or are very attracted to him. But as time moves on you get stronger and realize it was the only solution to keeping your DIGNITY in tact. My N really wanted to remain friends..whatever that meant to him. Some thread of contact I guess. I said I didnt need any more guy friends. I am sure this pissed him off, but so what. He got some goodies from me, so time for him to shove off and find the next warm vagina and, if he's lucky, someone with low self esteem who will put up with the rest of the BS for longer than I could stomach it.

#7 May 21 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

wallaby (not verified)

Tyger

Quietude is right - you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out - we can never know all the factors that play into any one decision or attachment- but you can be sure, as she said, in global terms they are USERS. Yes he was obviously using her - not only for attention but look at what he extorted out of her! That was a nice deal for him and I'm sure he played on her insecurities to keep her anxious and producing stuff for him. (I know this as I did it for my exNH) If he has regrets it's that such a coosh deal didn't continue for whatever reason - even if he D and D'd her and left (or she wised up and kicked his handsome sorry using ass to the curb)- he can still miss the stuff he got from her - not HER - he doesn't love HER OR YOU or ANYONE. They have no empathy and that is the foundation of love as normal people know it. The get attachments to us as objects -objects who give them more or less of what they want. The degree of attachment relates to the degree to which we give them what they want at any given moment. Like a kid with a toy - they always get bored and move on to a new toy (they may stay married but they still get other "toys" or supply sources - look at B's Psycho-boy or my married N)- but then they remember how fun that toy was and want it back. Then they may get obsessed over getting the toy back- but it's NEVER about love. the LMAO part of your post is his ad - which is the exact thing he IS looking for - Backwards talk - they truly don't know how transparent they are once you have the N decoder ring. It is always stunning to me the way they say the opposite of what is true and that's how you read them. To me it's like as soon as a guy says out of the blue on a first date something like, and "you can look it up, I've never been in trouble with the law". I IMMEDIATELY think - WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT UNLESS HE"S COVERING SOMETHING UP? Its like the kid who breaks the vase and then runs to fin the mom to say "I DIDN'T break that vase". In the whole infinite universe of things your N could have written in that paragraph - he chose that! LOL. They are such transparent assholes!

#8 May 21 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

TygerTyger

Yes!

Wallaby, the last part of your reply is great...the backwards talk...I also learned early on to "reverse" things he wrote or said to me in order to find the truth. Then at other times he WOULD tell the truth, and after a couple months it got so confusing, and I was in such a state of distrust I didn't beleive ANYTHING he said anymore, I was always on guard for some alterior motive or whatever. And I also have run into other men who have used the "spilling the guilt" routine..basically revealing something kinda before you even ask about it. The "I didn't break the vase" thing. Great stuff all! Thanks!

#9 May 21 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

broken23

wallaby that made me laugh

wallaby that made me laugh too. if i read his emails now, the truth was the exact opposite of what he wrote. the best was when he wrote to the ow when she called him a jerk for not being around. "i am really not a jerk. i was so busy" and he was with me. im so glad i got see they treat all supplys the same. because its really hard for people to see that the next OW is no better off!! i really dont think they know how to love, just use. so missing the other person is probably a sign she was still of some benefit to him.

#10 May 21 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

possessions

since EVERYONE is an object to them and they have ZERO boundaries they can pop up months, weeks even MANY YEARS later and still consider you a 'possession' read the blog posts on NO CONTACT and maintain it with lazer like precision! they do NOT know any emotions other than primitive rage. Love is a word for them like "butter" or "toilet paper" - just a word they use to manipulate us. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

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