....lost........

he murdered BEN on Valentine's Day 2007......and that grief..and that pain and that horror has never eased...never ever let up.....and now i know it never will.... i thought his death would close that gaping wound...or a least slow the bleed out......but it hasn't..... i will never be myself again....and i wasn't unhappy with myself..i was unhappy with him...after what i've seen...and felt...and known....i know that i will never be happy again....i will never know a moment of peace...ever again.... the bastard is dead..but it's not enough...he didn't suffer enough...he wasn't IN TERROR the way BEN must have been....the way i was for years and years......it wasn't enough...... he murdered my baby...and he destroyed the lives of the rest of my babies.....and me.....there is no restitution....no resolution.... he completely destroyed me...what i was...who i was.... he won.... he got away with it all.... he destroyed everything in the world i cared about....and made sure i'd never be able to get it back......he won... it makes me sick...but it's true.....he won.. “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog

Damn it! I would have brought the potato salad & I'm sure someone would have brought the cold beer! Meat wouldn't have been good but if we would have all shown up, the company would have been!!! Wish we could roast a few more!!!

I'm so sorry for all you've been through...and what that bastard did, the after-effects of it all. I wish I could wipe all the residue of my exN off, but I know some will always stay with me. The best thing I can say, is he can no longer hurt me, no more crap coming at me...I'm done with that. Keep hanging out here, for what it's worth, I always look forward to what you have to say...your posts have really helped me. (((hugs)))!

Yes you will, you will be a different you from the experience but you will emerge again and be out of that darkness. He is now in hell and darkness for eternity but you dont have to be. You said something in a post that was so profound, you mentioned that you had a bird that came back every spring and you hoped she was ok and you worry about her, you are a very very deeply caring person, thats a place to start dont let that orange waste of a human destroy what you have in your heart. What do I know right, I am just trying to give you hope that you are a great human being and to never forget that.

It is like a life without grounding, being "lost" to a psychopath, however, I feel, as I have come to realize TODAY, don't let a psychopath be a "part of your life forever". The psychopath thinks they will have an influence on you that will always be a part of you. Like Stephen Covey says in an interview, he is the author he wrote the "7 habits of Hightly Successful People" he states in an interview,,,,"I look at myself, and don't let anything IMPURE be a part of me". We CANNOT let the psychopath, the IMPURE in life become "a part of us". They are outside of us. They are not us. We feel our family, our close loved ones to be a special part of us. We cherish our family...friends,, So too, our most intimate lovers. However, they psychopath, is not and cannot be a part of us. There is no relating with, or "relationship" with a psychopath. There is not humanness in them to have any sort of relationship with. We cannot let them "be a part of us" that is to claim their domination over us. We need to get a NEW MEANING of the horror they are. And realize, they CANNOT, WILL NOT have an everlasting NEGATIVE impact. I have to have the power to be out of his influence. There is a part of me that despises evil, that is what the psychopath created. Find your innocence, grow your innocence, innocence is not dead. STRIVE to be happy, do NOT LET YOURSELF FEEL LOST TO ONE EVIL PERSON. Like the others on the board say. Turn boldly away from the evil, and look to the wholesome. If you look hard enough, you will find what is wholesome, let that wholesome, sweetness,,become you,,,,again. You always were, and are, with sweetness, ethic,,,your works, your success, remember that, for that is your reality, nuture that quality. What is one thing can you do to rekindle the wholesome, straightforward part of you, that loves and gives life... I know how you feel, it will take time. I keep a momento around (a gift I gave him that I asked that he give back to me!) so I will always remember to NEVER EVER let him in my life again. Someday, I will be able to throw it away. Right now, I need it around to remind me of the horror he caused. So as to never forget. (kind of like Scoop's socks!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!) Know you are stronger. Know you are still the awesome, brilliant, funny, witty, ethical, caring,determined and productive person you always were. You have so much good to contribute. You were temporarily eclipsed by a monster. We are with you, and know the feeling. You were temporarily eclisped by a monster. You did not loose everything, you have your brilliance, wit, ethics, and voice that people want and need to hear.

he was always dead....it's just that now he's not breathing.....i KNOW where he is now.....he's in a cardboard box...that'll have to pay storage on if i don't pick up..... so i know where he is......but i have no idea where i am.... he's in a box.....i'm the one in the black void...... “I do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog

NarcNarc, I am SO sorry that you have been through this torture. I wish I could fix all of us, just zap our minds and erase the ugly we have been exposed to. You would be my first! I would take all of us back to our purity and innocence and zesty spirit.........if I could. I, for one, am very glad you are alive! I've come to depend on your fiery spirit, your transparency, your anger of acknowledging the reality. It is most helpful to me as I struggle to find the fighting will to get through what I'm going through. You are so helpful to so many of us here. None of us would have willed any of this......... but evil exists. We have all slept with it...... You are a kind and loving soul..Mike did not deserve you. But, you will heal, he never will. He never could have if he had wanted to. I would rather be who I am, than be who they are any day. A heart of flesh will heal, a heart of stone will not. God can heal a heart of stone, but those idiots like them selves? Don't be sad for too long okay? I'm playing the lottery, and when I win it, I'm buying you land for a rescue shelter, building the shelter, with a luxury suite above it! Lots of room for them to run and play...and you can have another garden! Lots of flowers! It will have 4 huge ac/heat units, an on site veteranarian, and we call it SURVIVORS........just, you probably don't want it in Kansas do you?