I have seen evil

Wow... my ex-N was the same way... he'd say "if you didn't feel this way/if you didn't think this way... ypu wouldn't be suffering" and "I see you're struggling." He wouldn't say it a sneering way, but sometimes coldly, sometimes "sympathetically." He thought he could command how I thought or felt. The fact that he reduced me to tears IN PUBLIC-before his colleagues and my friends--was a blessing in disguise. His unfeeling attitude was evident to all. Besides, people think a man who humiliates a woman like that is crass. People have a VERY LOW attitude of men who do that to women.

One of the last things I said to him was he had a black heart!I didnt c it until that last day! Wow, I remember there were many times something would bother me, sometimes I would say something, sometimes I wouldnt (walking on eggshells to keep the peace) but lets say maybe sometimes I couldnt take the silent treament for no reason and I would get sentimental, I would go on the balcony and cry..I know he could hear me sniffling...do u think he ever came out to comfort me and ask me what what was wrong????? Nope, Id stop, come back in, wash my face and sit to watch tv w/him and not a word. Like he could not be bothered. Thats so sad u look for a partner who can comfort u in times of need and these guys r not the ones!! How much effort and love and scarifice I put into him!!! Now I must put all that effort and love into myself! Maybe he is doing me a HUGE favor in keeping NC w/me! But boy, do they do a job screwing us up, they r not on a website trying to figure out their lives and looking for support and help to pick up the pieces!!

amen. it is freaky and you have to shake your head because it doesn't seem real. That was the biggest eye-opener to me. The two-faced action. Tearing someone apart to me, gossiping about them and putting them down, and then 10 minutes later, acting like their best friend in a meeting. It made me realize, wow, he acted like this person's best friend, it is TOTALLY believable and genuine sounding....and that is exactly how he acts towards me. Wow - I wonder what he is saying about me behind my back? (well, i found out)

Splitting - Idealization and Devaluation Definition: Splitting - Splitting is the behavior of treating, speaking of or thinking of people & situations as if they were completely "good" or completely "bad" and to occasionally switch between thinking of them as "all good" or "all bad". Description: Splitting is described in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) as one of the possible criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as: "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation." [could also apply to NPD] People who are regarded as being "all good" are sometimes referred to as being "split white" or "painted white". People who are regarded as being "all bad" are sometimes referred to as being "split black" or "painted black". When a person or a group of people is split white by a person with a personality disorder, they may suddenly, without notice be split black - and vice versa. There is usually some justification presented by the person with the personality disorder for their sudden change of heart but their logic is often flawed, contradictory or incomplete. Examples of Splitting: * A woman praises her husband as a wonderful husband and father in public but accuses him of abuse later the same day. * A mother habitually tells her daughter she is "useless" or "worthless" but when she gets a good grade at school gushes: "We are all so proud of you!" * A friendly co-worker or neighbor suddenly, without warning, begins giving you the cold shoulder. * A person persistently moves on from one social group to another, praising each group at first before becoming harshly critical. Splitting is an example of Dissociation, or "Feelings Create Facts" - where for a person with a personality disorder, their feelings take priority over what the facts actually tell them. If they experience a mood swing and suddenly feel good or bad about a particular person or situation, they can modify their opinions, memories or attitudes to be consistent those feelings, regardless of any apparent contradictions. What It Feels Like: When you come into contact with someone who engages in splitting, you may feel threatened by how easily or how quickly they can idealize or demonize you or other people for no apparent reason. Even if you are currently split white yourself, you may still feel insecure because you know that your favored "status" is not based on merit and may change without warning. As the old adage says: "What goes around comes around". If you are close to a person who uses splitting, you may occasionally find yourself being asked to choose between agreeing with them or defending yourself or other people whom they have split black. This can become a real problem if you feel there is a matter of principle which you are not willing to compromise or if a valued relationship with another person or group is suddenly challenged or threatened. You may be very uncomfortable trying to reconcile between your relationship with the person who suffers from the personality disorder and your presonal values or your valued relationships with other family members, friends and co-workers. You may suddenly come under a lot of pressure to cut off contact with these other people and you may find yourself sacrificing friendships and social settings just to "keep the peace". The problem with doing this is that, although this may help avoid conflict in the short term, you may be beginning to hurt yourself and starve yourself of support and social interaction that is good for you and that you need in order to stay emotionally healthy yourself. You may also come under sudden pressure to neglect or compromise your own values or prionciples when they come into conflict with the black and white thinking of someone who is splitting. The trouble with giving in to this kind of pressure is that you will probably regret these kind of compromises and are likely feel worse about yourself. Coping With Splitting What NOT to do: * Don't argue with a person who is splitting or try to talk sense into them. That's a recipe for a Circular Conversation. * Don't blame yourself. People with personality disorders can easily distort the facts in their mind to fit the way they feel. That's their concern, not yours. * Don't act like the Thought Police. Don't use any tricks, intimidation or ultimatums to try to get someone to see things differently. Everyone is entitled to think what they want to think and believe what they want to believe. * Don't become angry with them or try to retaliate. You will only be hurting a mentally-disordered person and making yourself look bad. * Don't yield your own reality about a person or group or isolate yourself from healthy friendships, family, social groups just to "keep the peace". Don't try to hide those relationships. It's OK for you to have differences of opinion. [if they don't like it, leave] * Don't automatically assume that everything the other person believes or says is untrue. Don't automatically run for the opposite corner or play "devil's advocate". Try to think objectively. Occasionally, like the boy who cried wolf, they may tell you something important. What TO do: * Handle disagreements with a person who is splitting as unemotionally, firmly and briefly as you can. * Try to "agree to disagree". Acknowledge that you see things differently. [if they refuse to agree, it's time to go] * Respect their right to have their own point of view and assert your own right to have your own point of view. * Avoid idealogical debates. Try to see the gray in each situation and judge on the merits. * Maintain and nurture your healthy friendships, family relationships and social groups, so long as they form no substantive threat to yourself or to another individual. * Find a support network, a group of people who understand and who you can talk to about the tough situations. * Find and nurture validating environments for yourself which are separate from the influence and control of a dissociative individual. * If appropriate, talk to people who have been split black or white by your loved one to let them know that you are able to see the "gray". http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors.html ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller