Bonding

I feel ashamed at feeling addicted to him for so long. Now I can see how much he enjoyed the power and control he had on me. The misery and pain he inflicted on me must have felt so good to him. I broke up w/ him so many times only to come back a few days later-making it acceptable in his sick demented mind to treat me terribly the next time. We must have broken up a thousand times in 5 years. And every single time I came back, I regretted it and broke up for the last time!

The initial bonding is so intense,,yes,,I know exactly,,and it is this 'Bonding' feeling that makes woman forget who he is/what he as done,,take him back,,in times of lonliness, anger,,frustration,,and forgiveness of him suddenly like nothing happened. We sit and adore them like a new born pup,,just watching them,,in amazement, silent,,inextricably drawn to them,,to cuddle, be close,,take care of them and give them affection... Suddenly,,something comes over you,, and you HAVE to be with them, call them..text them,,something,,you want and need to get through to them,,,and when you are NC, you have to remind yourself of the damage,,think of the mind games,,the trap he put you in,,,and try to pry yourself away from the bonding,,,it is difficult,,that is why you need tools, discussion, books, and self-reminders..especially the mind games,,the word salad he put you through,,they are still doin' that somewhere else, ,,, it is much better to be free of the stress... Especially when we start to learn a bit about them,,the temptation is there to call them and say "I know what you did to me" and get into a power struggle. Not wise to do. Felt like doin' just that today. Don't want to go there with a sociopath.

its like being addicted to a drug. if its there in front of you, much less hugging you, you will want to take it. its only with rehab (no contact) can you even begin to see the harmful effects. and just like with drugs there is a relapse. when the n comes back into our sight, we lose ability to see clearly. youre not the only one who acted like this. there are so many times where he was treating me like shit and i just clung on harder and harder.

i felt like that early on.....paralyzed.....on our wedding night....when he was so nasty to me....i just felt paralyzed.... he'd conned me out of my car and every cent i had in the world....so he had me economically trapped..... but it was beyond that, even... as time went by....the times i felt the most paralyzed were when he was having his rages..his verbal and emotiional attacks on me.....he would STARE at me before they began...just this malicious evil STARE.....i really felt like i was paralyzed and couldn't run or walk away....i couldn't move.....i felt like a mouse on one of those glue traps......it was horrible...a horrible terrifying feeling.....

I understand how you feel completely! It is a strange, magical power they have over us! I've told my N that when I met him for the first time (for about 2 minutes), it hit me "like a ton of bricks" and it was love at first site. We instantly bonded, spent all our time together and both described it as an intense bond. He told me "we have such a special relationship; an intense bond we had right from the start, a comfort level and trust level that is very rare". So I thought it was real for him too. And it felt like an arm had been chopped off my body when we started parting ways. He seemed like an integral part of me. It was the most distressing part of my life as well. And I know what you mean by the push/pull. He verbally abused me, I pulled away and was hurt, he called and was charming again, we would share our innermost thoughts again, until he found the next thing to abuse me about or until he ignored me or pulled away emotional because he was dating around, and then he would reach out to me again and I would feel close again...over and over and over.... it was awful. He would tell me he wanted no personal relationship, yet he called 10 times a day and emailed 20 and texted 5 (just like he has for years!) To me, that is WAY more than a business relationship! I told him I needed him to leave and he left the company. He called and said "you seem overwhelmed, please let me help you". I viewed that as an olive branch and remorse and reparations and let him back in, until he abused me the next time. And when he had decided their was no personal future for us is when the all out abuse started. When he asked me if I was still sleeping with my husband (therefore not physically spearated) and I wouldn't answer the question, he knew it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. That is when the horrible verbal and emotional abuse started. And like you, I acted in ways I never have. I also felt obsessed and like I was a stalker or something. Felt like I was going crazy. And I'm a super stable person!!! No one would ever think that of me. So I get it!!! And i have to read WWLP

WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS explains this process beautifully - from the NLP & Mind Control to the manipulation and up-regulation of our own hormones. Also mentions how they get us to act against our own self-interest AND out of character. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller