Golden Rule

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#1 Apr 25 - 3PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Golden Rule

joeP had a good point about treating others exactly how you want to be treated. Months ago when I was still thinking the ex was normal and I was the screw up.... a friend asked me if i would ever do/say things that he had done to me and the answer was always NO!

It's so helpful to take the things they do (that we make excuses for or minimize) and flip it around and ask if we would be capable of the same thing. puts it into perspective.

He called me nasty names during disagreements like stupid, fucking nuts, bitch, controlling, just like his mother etc. I thought well, it was ok because it was during a fight. But....I was in that same fight and NEVER said anything like that to him.

I don't want to minimize physical abuse ( i've been in that situation too) but for me....the emotional/mental abuse is the most mindfucking experience i have ever encountered. To have the same person compliment and build you up and then degrade and belittle you.....totally messes with your head. You question your own reality.

I remember little things that I never realized at the time were affecting me.

Besides belittling my job....he subtley cut down my appearance.

Once I was all dressed up for a Halloween party and he says " you look beautiful. do you have the slimming pantyhose on that keep it all tight?"

i thought that was "just a joke" but it obviously affected me because the next time i dressed up i made a poing of NOT wearing pantyhose just to prove i would still look good. WTF?? I am 5'5 and 115 pounds....what did I have to prove?

Just goes to show how even there little comments can fuck with your mentality/self esteem.

Apr 27 - 7AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

verbal beatings........

i had both...endless verbal beatings and physical attacks...and i personally PREFERRED the physical attacks as strange as that may sound....at least there was something TANGIBLE about a beating....i knew that was real... but the endless covert water torture....that was even worse...the snide remarks...the constant covert put downs...the sneaky back stabbing...there is no worse kind of beating than the one you can't prove....not even totally to yourself.........
Apr 26 - 1PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Same here. Normally totally

Same here. Normally totally calm and understanding and I would "fly off the handle" with him. I told him to "Have a nice lonely life, manwhore". I wanted to throw back so much at him like his ED and how he had sex like a boy for the first time, but I held back. This is how they "control" us. By pushing our buttons and making us act in ways that we would never act and then turning it all around and telling other people. Starve them!!
Apr 26 - 12PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

words

Toward the last year of our relationship. I couldn't understand why he would do and say things just to "piss me off, or irritate me". I would almost go into a rage with frustration and say words I have never said before in my life. I would call him names, curse at him, degrade and devalue him and he would txt "very nice" or "be a lady and don't cuss so much"...knowing I always said that to him..be a gentleman and don't use swear words. I didn't understand as to why he got some type of joy making me so irate yet staying so calm. Gosh, just thinking about it, pisses me off now. No one I have ever loved in my past made me this angry. I do hope the worse for him!!!
Apr 26 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Enoughalready

"I do hope the worse for him " excelent line . I hope the worse for mine too the insidious piece of shit . Scoop x
Apr 26 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

projection

My XN called me a "snake" when I caught him lying to me. What a hypocrite!
Apr 26 - 10AM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Things came out of mouth

That i would never dream of saying to anyone but that's just how mad he'd make me! I've told him he was the biggest loser I'd ever met, I called him white trash, I told him he was so pathetic he's own parents didn't want him (he didn't speak to either parent so i knew that was a sore spot for him). He brought out something very ugly and hateful in me! He said things like that to me all the time so i started to do it back to him. I'm not proud of that at all & I hope i never lower myself to his standards ever again. It felt ugly & it was ugly! (Oh yeah, I also told him that when he died, no one would go claim his body cos no one cared). That dumb ass, stuff like that just rolls off of narcs!
Apr 26 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Steph
Steph's picture

Our last fight i called him

Our last fight i called him a son of a bitch and hit his chest. told him i'd rather die than go through this again with him. something i would normally never say/feel. he of course, used that as evidence of how "unstable" i am. it's like months and months of slow torture and then i snapped. had enough. he of course took NO responsibility for anything. it was all my fault. i was the reason our relationship failed. nevermind all the times i played it cool while he went off at the mouth. or endlessly listened to him whine and complain about his job/family etc. or all the ego boosting i did. these times didn't count. after our last fight, he even said..."obviously i don't hate you".....wtf?? why should HE hate ME?? just shows how warped their thinking is. they really don't get it.
Apr 26 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

staying strong and others...

god they are all the same. I am such a calm and patient person. It is that they push all our buttons to the point that we react and then they blame it on us and they take no responsibility for what happened! Mine asked me to lunch one day to discuss work problems he had with me, I went, we discussed. The next day I asked him to lunch to discuss the issues I was having since the day before it was all him. He refused - some lame excuse. Well, for three weeks, every day, I asked him to lunch to talk about my issues....every day a different lame excuse: "I'm too busy", "we really shouldn't go to lunch when we have so much to do", "when we get a good sales month we'll go to lunch"....blah, blah, blah. Well, finally I had a vacation planned for one week and told him I really wanted to talk through these issues before I left. He had an excuse about needing to meet with someone else at the company. Well, I run the company - this was a lower level mgr and it was not a critical meeting - he could do this anytime. I said "I'm sorry, but you are avoiding me. I will leave it in your capable hands to cancel that meeting to have lunch with me and I will stop by at noon to get you for lunch!" and I stormed out of the room. I was so sick of it! And then of course, "I" "caused drama" at work. And he can't work with someone who displays "drama" at work. And it was all my fault. Not that he played headgames with me for three weeks and somehow couldn't find time in his busy schedule to meet with me. And then started ranting to all of his chemistry.com dates and girl "friends" that he can't work with me because of the "drama" I bring into the workplace and that I was "harassing" him. Unbelievable the mind games. And you are right - their thinking is SOOOOOO warped. It is the slow chinese water torture of little things day in and day out with the warped thinking and mind games that make us into crazy people! Ugh!
Apr 25 - 3PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Good point.

That's a good point about treating others the way you want to be treated. I always think of my daughter. Would I want her being treated like he treated me? No!!!! And I would move mountains to protect her from that. But yet I didn't do it for myself. That is what finally hit me, when I hit rock bottom. I said I want to be a good role model for my kids (both genders) and I'm not right now. I need to get out of this. I don't want them to think this is okay.
Apr 25 - 3PM
better off
better off's picture

He needs to put the slimming

He needs to put the slimming pantyhose over his head.
Apr 25 - 3PM
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

I had a similar thing too,

I had a similar thing too, didn't see it at the time but had the sense that something didn't feel quite right. It was all done with subtlety and over time it wears you down. He would comment that I didn't do things right, stupid stuff like washing up, cleaning. The clothes I wore weren't cool enough, I wasn't smart enough (despite that fact that my educational background exceeds his by years) and then in front of friends, littel put downs. You don't always see it right away but it does drag you down eventually and knocks your confidence in a big way. TO get over it I guess its a question of building assertiveness and feeling worthy of being treated as we deserve. You're so right, it does mess with your head and I think that you end up accepting it as reality. I had the nasty names too, when I told friends about it they were all so shocked and couldn't believe that I was so calm about what had happened and I said its because I've been brainwashed into believing this is how life should be etc. Its great when you start to have these moments of clarity, all part of the process! :-)
Apr 26 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Seeingthelight

Youre post hits the nail on the head , It is that slow chipping away and the critisism that eats away at your soul . I did call my narc everyname under the sun and im not ashamed , he got me to a point that i would just blow up , i would end up screaming at him, this happened a handfull of times and when i was in that state it was then he went in for the kill very calmly tell me that he wanted the relationship to be over , he knew that was his way of always comming out on top . It is so sick , but really very sad as he is such a closed tight ball of nothingness that his only defence was abandonment . will he ever change ? noooooo not now not ever . The only way i can protect myself from his sickness is never engage with him again , i am resigned to that . He has lost his toy . the toy is in the menders . Scoop x
Apr 26 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Janet
Janet's picture

Within the first year he

Within the first year he could trigger a rage in me I had no idea existed. He would sit calmly and I would go off. Then feel badly about what I had said, apologize and try to start fresh. Over and again over four years -- it got absolutely insane - the things I would say trying to get any kind of emotion from him. I am glad I am out and NEVER want to be in a dynamic like that again. Peace. J

Peace. J

Apr 26 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

torture

Being with a covert passive-agressive type of N is like Chinese water torture. They sublty torment you until you freak out! THEN, when you do, you are labeled, like ~ stubborn, tempermental, etc...mine would use against me later on. When I was ignoring him this past year, he even used it then...and he was trying to win me back too, lol! He said something like, "your stubborn nature is not allowing you to open your heart..." WOW, just wow! Of course, I wanted to blast him, but he would have wanted ANY communication, so I kept silent.
Apr 26 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Yep, the jacka## tried every

Yep, the jacka## tried every trick in the book. He said the just about the same thing, "Your poor heart, you won't let it feel will you". I wanted to say, "My heart feels more than you will ever know. It certainly felt the evil that you are".
Apr 26 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

Talk about projection......

I'm pretty sure I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very open with my feelings and I would be told the same thing, that I wasn't open, I didn't say how I felt, honestly, I couldn't have been more open! Also, the rage, oh the rage, I hadn't felt like that for years, in fact not since the last N I dated! Amazing, I would even be aware of the fact that how I felt with the first one was the same feeling I was experiencing, a big flashing red warning sign, by that point of course it was too late, I was hooked! Guess its one of those occasions where you can put your hand on your heart and say its not me, its YOU, its just believing it!!!!!!!!!
Apr 26 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Janet
Janet's picture

This is all reassuring. I

This is all reassuring. I was feeling like the abusive one a lot of the time. Life was so confused, unfair and unkind - the lying, cheating, drugs, alcohol...all of it. I hated my behavior with him. I really NEVER want to be like that again EVER. Peace. J

Peace. J