Totally confused

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 25 - 5AM

Tryintoheal

Totally confused

Ok, I have a question? My ex of 9 years discarded me and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. It killed me as you know, I stuck to the no contact, I could only contact him by email as he changed his number, changed jobs and changed his address but I didnt do this, I listened to the advice I gained here and although its been so painful I have read so much about Narcs that I know Im only destined for misery with this person. I live in a remote country area, today a strange car pulled up outside my house, I know he is living with people so if he wanted to borrow another car so I couldn't recognise him he could. My property is large as I have horses and my house is set at least an acre back from the road, I was outside hosing one of my horses, the car pulled up, saw me and sped off. I couldn't quite make out who was inside but it gave me a strange gut feeling. Is is possible for one of these psychos to tell you to get lost, move on, find someone else and then start stalking you? Or Im I just being paranoid?
It was so strange and although I don;t actually think it could be after the way he treated me, could it be?

#2 Apr 28 - 6AM

Tryintoheal

FALSE ALARM

Hey Girls, turns out it was a false alarm, the house next door to me was robbed that same evening, so the strange car pulling over out the front of my place must have been someone related to this, so all is good. He has stayed away, he hasn't contacted me since January so feel he has moved on for good. I'm starting to wonder if this guy is a narc or just a complete user that did want out for a long time but couldn't muster the strength to do so. Maybe he is one of these people that just needs to be sure he has a relationship before leaving the previous one. Most people say here that Narcs always try to come back or keep tabs on you, that hasn't been the case for mine at all and I don't feel that will ever change, unless he is a narc as he had devalued and discarded me already so may times and the last time was just his absolute final discard. There has also been times when I've contacted him in the past after being devalued and I wonder if he would have just moved on a long time ago had I not contacted him. The last real time he contacted me after a bust up was September 2009, I got 35 calls on my b'day until I picked up the phone. The whole thing is very confusing at times but then that is all part of the healing and trauma.

#3 Apr 28 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

MsVulcan500

This struck me as funny.

You have to admit that it's kind of funny when you are relieved that someone was scoping out yours or your neighbor's property in order to steal from you instead of it being the narc. As for the NC and is he or isn't he a narc, 3 to 4 months is nothing at all for a narc. They can go years before they contact you again. I think mine was in contact with his ex GF after 5 years. Of course he denied it, but I wasn't upset as much as surprised after all of the horrible things he had said about her. It's good to go on about your life as if he doesn't exist anymore, but don't be too srprised if he pops up some time in the future, even the very distant future. It will just depend on when he needs something from you, and if he thinks there's a chance of getting it out of you.

#4 May 13 - 3AM (Reply to #18)

Tryintoheal

MsVulcan500 - Showed up at my work

I had to laugh as I read your post, it did sound kind of funny, but I sure would rather be robbed than have this psycho messing with my head again. Anyway, I believe the person that robbed next door knew they had moved out and hadn't quite finished taking everything yet. Ive got pretty good locks and electric fencing so they are going to get zapped trying to rob my place, LOl! He has shown up at my work place after 4 months of silence so I know you are right about the time factor, I had to have a serious discussion with him, tell him its over, I don't want the relationship anymore and I will never change my mind. I'm done, I did say something mean to the extent of dealing with you is like banging my head against a wall. Nothing changes and you don't get what a real partner is. I know this is supply but I had to tell him and at least that is buying me some sanity until I start my new job on the 24th May. My workplace was the only method of contact he could make with me and I'm really glad I'm moving on. So still doing well girls and I've been taking Barbaras advice and getting into my life, sticking with the therapist and spending time with family and good friends. No relationships for me, not for a long time, I'm happy finding out who i am again, I really did go missing, hugs xx

#5 Apr 25 - 11AM

woundedsoul36

It very well could of been

It very well could of been him. They discard you but will not totally let you go. They want you to hurt so he could very well be telling you extremely cruel shit but stalk u at the same time. They want to keep their victims unbalanced and confused...it gives them power and keeps you so confused that you are clouded in your 6th sense (your intuition).

#6 Apr 25 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

Tryintoheal

woundedsoul36

Yeah I guess I find it hard to believe because I'm still thinking he's a normal human being... NOT These people are complete nightmares, if it was him I think he would just be checking out the property I bought before we split. I believe this was the reason he finally dumped me, I showed an independent side, he raged and was so mad, but I was over being asked to leave by him and finding rentals only to be asked to leave from them as owners break leases on properties all the time. I had moved 11 times in 2 years, how draining when I think back on all of this. Now I have my place, he can't throw me off it and now he lives with friends in a room, somewhere, as he couldn't afford his place without me, Karma!

#7 Apr 25 - 10AM

quietude (not verified)

tryinto...

Oh yes it could be him. They can discard you like yesterday's news and a week later, be begging to come back (speaking from personal experience here...) Even though you've been discarded, he could come back at any time...strange? Yes! Does it make any sense? Nope! That's an N for you. Did you get the make and model of the car? In a small town, can't be that many. If it happens again, try to get a license plate #. If you know where he's staying, maybe a friend can do a drive-by and see if that car is parked there. You can call the cops and let them know the situation for an extra measure of safety.

#8 Apr 25 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

Tryintoheal

Quietude

Hi, thanks for your post. I have no idea where he lives as moved homes, changed his number and changed his workplace. I thought the same as you, If i knew where he lived I could have a friend check if the car is there, but thats impossible as I have no idea who or where he lives. I was too far away to get the number plate as I live on a country road and i was at least 30 metres away at the wash stall washing one of the horses, my front gate is padlocked and the rest of the property electrified so the car pulled up out the front of my property on the side of the road, when I looked at the car and stared, it sped off. I have never even seen this type of car before to work out what it was, it looked like an late 80's, early 90's model of some box little car, something he wouldnt be caught dead in normally. Anyway, Im always outside so I'm going to keep an eye out but forget about it for now, he probably wants me to email him and ask him but I'm staying no contact. I'm over the games and want something rewarding in my life without the constant D&D. Thanks a lot

#9 Apr 25 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

quietude (not verified)

tryingto...

Sounds like a great place you have there, I'm sure being in the country...around your horses, can be very cathartic and peaceful. I'm glad to hear that your property is protected, and folks can only go so far. I'm glad you're staying NC. My ex sent me an odd e-mail earlier this year, after about 6 months of dead silence. He probably wanted me to respond with, "what is this??" But I resisted the temptation...haven't heard from him since. Everything must be going 'smoothly' with other supplies. Gawd, I wish he'd just totally erase me from his screwed up head.

#10 Apr 25 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Tryintoheal

quietude

Yeah that is strange, an email after 6 months of silence, just proves how they have no real commitment behind anything they say. A normal person that loved you would try so hard to talk to you if they meant it, they wouldn't want to let you get away without trying hard. This place is lovely to live, the horses are very calming and working with them takes your mind elsewhere as you need to switch on at all times around horses, not be obsessing over them. I have felt a shift lately, I'm not nearly over him yet as I believe it takes a long time to recover from the trauma, but Im having longer periods of my mind feeling at peace. I think this is also due to not wondering what shit he's going to deal me at any time, when the next discard is coming or weeks of silence. It is so much like being a prisoner and although we never forget, we find some sort of peace from being alone again. I also live in a tropical state in Australia so get warm weather all year round which also helps very much with getting outside and feeling the healing rays. Hugs to you, sounds like you're well past all of his games. x

#11 Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

quietude (not verified)

tryingto...

Oh girl, he did try hard for 6 months previous to that, he wrote me long, long e-mails, would text, leave messages, call me at work..etc...but after that long of trying and me ignoring, he gave up, finally...but with an N, it could always be a temporary thing?? Quick back story: He abandoned me 3 times in 3 years, part of our relationship was LD, we reconciled in early '08, he asked me to marry him, he got here, flaked soon after and disappeared again. A week later, he was begging to come back, but I was DONE. Talk about weirdo N's, they change their mind like they change their underwear! My heart sinks when I hear of someone who is newly discarded, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. No relationship break-up I've ever had didn't even touch how bad this felt. The hardest reality was knowing he never loved me...that felt like a ton of bricks. I have to admit, after the emotional roller-coaster, I was already emotionally distancing myself by the last time, so it wasn't AS awful. The 'anger phase' really helped me, not missing him, but feeling like a terrible injustice had been done...and then there's learning as much as you can about N's...SO, so, so important. This helps you see that your N was NOT so special after all, and he's just like all the other N creepos out there. This helped me separate myself from him even more. Australia ~ a visit there is on my bucket list! :) Best to you, keep reading, connecting with those who get it...it's so helpful. Hugs back!

#12 Apr 25 - 8AM

agnesmurphy17

Remote Area

Well, the whole event seems odd to me. What about hanging a chain across the entrance of the road to your property? Even a "lost" person in such a situation would speak to the person with the horses trying to find the right place they were looking for. Why would your N drive onto your property & then vanish like that? If you were there, you might see him. Or, is there something he's looking for & trying to get when he thinks you are away? Keep up the NC. Good for you. And, most likely, he will try to come back. One way or another. Nine years is a long time. You were a loyal & dependable supply.

#13 Apr 25 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

Tryintoheal

Agnesmurphy17

Hi Agnes, my mums name is Agnes, its a beautiful name. Yeah I agree a lost person would talk to you or call you over. The car pulled up on the road outside my property, my gate is locked with the biggest chain and padlock you can buy, LOL I was at least 30 metres away at the time, so I stared at the car, kept looking and it drove off straight away, but had pulled over to the side of the country road on the grass. There are only 5 properties in the road, mainly big farms, horses or cattle and we don't get many weird things happen in this road. Eyes pealed from now on, thanks. I am confused as he was very much set on not wanting to know me so I still find it hard to trust my gut as the behavior is so messed up, if it was him. Anyway, he'll think twice about driving by again, in case I spot the same car, which wasn't his. He would hate for me to think he did this, staying no contact, Im not buying into it. Thanks xx

#14 Apr 25 - 8AM

nhtmf

Dear Friend, trust your gut

Dear Friend, trust your gut on this. If you even think it may be him it probably is. Didn't we all discard our gut feelings when we were with these aliens? Look how good that worked out for us.....................stay safe.

#15 Apr 25 - 6AM

Scoop

Oh my . They come back like

Oh my . They come back like an unwanted smell . We should all be prepaired for this . So i said to myself how could he come back after all that was done and said and up he pops like nothing has happened , it is the torture of the Narc . The mask firmly back on after a spot of glueing and there he is the pretend guy again , and you think to your self ok i was wrong this man is not a narc how can he be he is so sensertive and caring and then BOOM you get slapped in the face with a wet kipper . Do i think it was your Narc ? probably . . they hate no contact because it starves them slowly and if they are lazy like mine they cant be arsed to go get a fresh suply . No contact is the only weapon we have USE IT ,they hate it . hahahahahahaha. Scoop x

#16 Apr 25 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Tryintoheal

Scoop

Hey scoop, yeah you're right, now that you explain it like that, it could have been him. Yeah he would be too lazy to get new supply or maybe he already had new supply for months , hence why he dumped me coldly. I'm more apt to think she's walked already or he has grown bored of her because she won't perform handstands in the bedroom. I've been flat out listening to lisa's blog talk radio featuring Barbara as well and getting therapy as well, so I'm past the crazy stage now wanting to email him. I was originally going round and round the hamster wheel, going nowhere, exhausting myself trying to get closure with him. I can't be guaranteed it was him but it sure was strange, nothing like that ever happens out here. I thought these guys would stalk you if you walked, not the other way around. Strange stuff if it was him. He always devalued me and came back within a few weeks, this time he flat out said, its over, go away, don't want you, blah blah blah. Its been 4 months and not a word, I gave up three months ago trying to get him to talk to me, all I had left was an email address so he hurt me pretty badly after 9 years. I'm staying no contact, I'm past this unbearable pain he causes me, I cannot and wont go through it again, full stop. As Barbara said, one bit of contact and you're right back where you started, I totally understand this now that I've gotten over the initial shock. I'm past the depression and anger and Im stuck somewhere between sadness and acceptance. Oh gosh, this cannot be. Thanks for your support and I will make sure I keep my only weapon which is NO CONTACT xxx

#17 Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #5)

missyjade

Re: Scoop

Yes, trust your gut feeling on this one. Last week as I was going across town to run some errands, I turned out of my sub-division and got caught by the traffic light. Lo and behold, look who is sitting at the traffic light going the other direction? Mr.Stalker himself. I was starting to feel he was around a few days before I saw him; also, my mother called me and said she had a dream that he came to my house while she was visiting me. As we sat at the light, this fool tried to lean back in his seats so he could hide his face between the panel that separates the front and back seat. Yet, I could still see those arms that I used to compliment him on all the time. As the traffic started to move and he was passing me, he started to accelerate so he could quickly pass me. I heard the acceleration because my windows were down and I was enjoying the beautiful day but I never looked his direction. I never planned on posting this story on here because he never really meant that much to me and I always guarded my heart with this man. I meant this narc (did you notice,I did not refer to him as my narc) 2 years ago. We were never steady because he always played the disappearing act. I was also busy in my career; getting another degree and being promoted to Assistant Director of a large size department with the local government. He was a helicoptor mechanic; who by the way, referred to himself as a "helicoptor repairman". The funny part was the mirroring. Whenever, I went out of town for a conference, a few weeks later, he would tell me he was going out of town for a "conference". He was actually in the Army Reserves and was preparing for his 2nd tour in Iraq but all of sudden, his training is referred as a "conference". After about 9 mons of knowing each other, we had our 1st sexual experience; it blew my mind because it was the worst sex I'd ever had. He was like an empty shell; I could have had a better time with the wall. Therefore, I did not have sex with him again until 5 mons later (I should have known better). Well, the 2nd time was better and he was shipping out to Iraq, so we spent his weekend leave together. However, that weekend, I said to myself, if he screws up this time, I am done. While he was away, he called and sent emails regularly.Then he wasn't as consistent,so my antennas went up. At this point I decided I did not want him but I did not want to tell him how I felt while he was overseas in a war. Shortly, afterwards, he started emailing consistently but I was the one who was doing all of the ignoring because I was sick and tired of him. Around Christmas, I did send him a small care package because I remember being in the Air Force and how sad it would be for him not to get anything.This fool sent me nude pics of himself, including a video of him jerking off. I could not believe it. Then he wrote me saying he would be back in the states for some R&R in 2 weeks before finishing up his tour. Well,he came home but he never contacted me. I was sort of relieved but at the same time very confused. If he did not want to see me, why tell me he was coming home. At that point, I emailed him and told him not to contact me again. I disconnect the instant messager and moved on. Around Valentines Day, I got 2 emails from him (did not read them) and a friend request from IM. Well, I refused his friend request. Around the end of March, I was on my FB page, It's sole purpose is to keep intouch with highschool, and elementary friends. I went to his son's page and I found a pic of daddy and his new bride on their wedding day. The dates on the pics where around the time he was coming home for R&R. I had no clue there was someone else. For a moment, I was sick to my stomach; yet,at the same time, I felt so very sorry for her. Finally, I decided to send him a copy the wedding pic along with the nude pics/video in an email. This sick bastard sent me those nude pics 2 weeks before he got married! I told him that I never really opened up to him because I always felt he could not be trusted and now I knew for sure that he was a liar. I told him I should post the video of him jerking off on You-tube but I will not stoop to his level of shady. He used to hate it when I called him a joke, so this time, I called him a sick joke. Finally, I told him what I realized at that moment, which is he did everything a real man would not do. I closed this chapter for me. Shortly, afterwards, I found a good local therapist because I realized that that I had some work to do for me. I am really looking forward to see what type of relationship I choose in 18 months; I think I will be ready. This past Thursday, I was in a meeting and got a call on my work cell-phone. I did not recognized the number so I decided to answer it. I swear it sound like his voice trying to be really professional. When I told him he had the wrong number, he went into detail about him trying to get intouch with "Bobbie". Ok, bobble head, I already told you that you have the wrong number. Why do I give a rat a$$ about who you are trying to get intouch with. I ran the phone number in whitepage.com and it is unpublisch in a city where his brother lives. Well, I am going to use another resource tool that I have to get the address and name of who the phone number comes back to. I am not doing this because I am obsessed with what he is doing; I am just trying to gauge his mental state. I work in a career field where I know you have to stay one step ahead of them or they will sneak up on you and hurt you. As I was ending this post, I thought about this: Bobbie is my secretary. When this narc was in Iraq, I sent him an email stating Bobbie and I went to a museum one particular weekend. Also, go back over some conversations or weird incidents that confirms he has the ability to stalk you. After my 2nd date with Mr.Stalker, I took him to one of my favorite secluded spots by the lake near my home. A few months later, he told me he took his teenage daughter there to practice her driving skills. There is no where at this secluded spot to practice driving Also, he drove all the way from the next county (where he lived) to my neighborhood to practice with his daughter...just weird. If I had been there, I am sure he would have said he was in the area. Another time,he took his children to a water park which is near the lake in my neighborhood. He called me to tell me where he was and what they were doing but he never invited me to go with them. Yet, he was around the corner from my house. Just think back and you will see it clearly.

#18 Apr 25 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

sanctuary

The other ladies are right.

The other ladies are right. Trust your instincts! They come back even after yrs. Doesn't matter who walked away, but them coming back is just another control mind f--k tactic. If things like that keep happening consider a little security cam for you front door or driveway. There are many time I wished I listened to my gut. I've learned to listen now. Stay strong and safe.

#19 Apr 25 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Amazed

"Feelings" that they are around,,,,

I think that the N's do strange things,,to keep you thinking about them,,,case in point,, the ex N would drive to our office building (after he was transferred out) and would sit in his car in the parking lot on the phone, right outside my window,,as if to tempt me,,,,not a chance,,, I also believe, (I am 10 mos NC with my exN) that they still have you in mind, and you can pick up on this, and they do strange things like leave bits of their belongings places for you to "remember" them by... For example,,,I notice that there are a particular brand of cigarette box left outside my front door, that is a unique brand, I do not smoke, but know it is an uncommon brand and that exN would smoke,,,strange when I go outside the door and see and empty box of that kind of cigarette,,could be some one else,,who knows..they do strange things to keep you distrubed,,NOT!! I am so movin on!!!!

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