panic attacks....anxieity attacks.......

22 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 2 - 8AM

Anonymous (not verified)

panic attacks....anxieity attacks.......

i have them a lot...really bad ones...i've had several recently...i used to love spring...for years i'd wanted a beautiful country garden....and i finally was able to have one...it really was beautiful...and i did it all by myself...arbors covered with antique wisteria...climbing roses...coneflowers...sunflowers and black eyed susans...morning glories everwhere..antique daylilies...i planted every one myself..i did the lighting myself...i had beautiful flower beds.an window boxes overflowing with flowers and vines....and a bronze fountain...a peeing dog...that looked just like BEN...and now it's all gone...yesterday i went to the store..and trucks were there...unloading plants...and i just ...i just lost it....i started to shake...then cry...i wanted to scream. i ran back to my car and sat there and sobbed and sobbed...
there a lots of places i can't go near...i have to turn my head when i drive by a petsmart....when i see a chocolate lab, i always think of BEN....once i got beside a guy driving down the road with a dog that looked like Hootie and i remembered the psycho kidnapping him and threatening to throw him out onto the freeway....and i started shaking so hard i had to pull my car over...i've come to despise spring and summer...all the beautiful houses...with beautiful gardens...annd each and every one i see is like a knife in my heart...it's not getting better with time...it's getting worse...the further i slip away from the life i worked so hard to have...the more i miss it...
it's starting to rain....today is the day i got to the pet food pantry....the only 'organization' that has helped me at all...once a month they give me 40 pounds of dog food and 15 pounds of cat food...the moon roof of my car won't close..the cables are broken....so i keep a sheet of plywood wrapped in trash bags over the hole when it's parked...but if it's raining or snowing and i have to get somewhere i have no choice but to drive it with the roof open...i know that today i will get soaked...i can still hear the psycho's voice....ringing in my ears...'you can't suffer enough, you worthless bitch...you can't suffer enough to suit me'..my life is gone...and i want it back...what i hae now is not a life...it's a living death...i hate it..i just want it all to be over.......

#2 Apr 2 - 4PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

WARNING..WARNING....

and...he looked like HUMPTY DUMPTY..years ago.if someone had told me that bastard would end up murdering my dog...and trying to murder me...i would have LAUGHED...he started out as a snide..condescending, passive aggressive, lazy, sneaking, lying piece of sh!t....sound FAMILIAR???...but by the time it was all over he made jack nicholson's portrayal of a whack job in the shining look low key and restrained!!... once he was out of control...he was like the terminator...nothing could or would stop him...he destroyed me in every possible way...SMIRKING the entire time....this is why i say it in almost every post...THEY ARE NOT HUMAN...the first time he tried to murder me...i had told him i wanted a divorce and for him to pack some of his crap and move out...he LUNGED at me like a lion...and for over 45 minutes i fought for my life...until my screams finally woke up my next door neighbor...no warning...no nothing...he was standing there looking pretty damn innocuous..and then he was trying to murder me.....BEWARE...we have no idea what is lurking right below the surface....

#3 Apr 2 - 3PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

poster girl........

i am the poster girl for what a psychopath can do..and get away with..it sucks...i never dreamed it could happen to me...and that's how i know it could happen to anyone here...and anyone anywhere.....and the worst part of ALL....he GOT AWAY WITH IT...murdering my dog...trying to murder me twice...pillaging me..plundering me...beating me...AND the whole time he was doing it....he said to me...'i can do whatever i want...no one cares what i do to you...no one will help you...'...and he was right..... PSYCHIC???.or just a PSYCHO who's gotten away with so much he thinks he's made of KEVLAR...

#4 Apr 2 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

NancyM

Poster Girl

Sorry I have taken some time getting back to you but I wanted to have a think about what I was going to say and didn't want to make the mistake of saying any of the dumb things I did the other day. I am just feeling that we somehow need to help you and I am trying to think of ways we can do that. I know members helping members by providing money may go a small way to alleviating some things but as always in these situations many of us ended up in financial difficulty ourselves. I was just thinking that considering there are so many people on these boards that can relate to what you are going through, and yours is definitely a dire situation, the point I was trying to get at before was maybe you could consider directly asking us for some of that help. I really don't know the best way to begin that but I feel that while you are living in constant fear and danger then it is going to be incredibly hard to know where to start. Maybe there is someone that can offer you a place to stay for awhile, someone that the other doesn't know about, maybe we can find a way of getting you out of there altogether. I don't know if this is an option for you or if there is a reason beside finance that you can't move. Maybe if we can just get you away from there, even if its only for awhile then you may at least be afforded a good night sleep. I know it sounds easier than it is but lets start somewhere. This is more what I mean't by telling him you will no longer be his victim. I know it was an incredibly poor choice of words because I did not mean them literally. I think the people on these boards would be happy to help if they are able to. I feel myself that it would certainly be nice to help someone that really deserved it after being so over being used by someone that didn't. Maybe there is someone that can offer you some pro-bono legal help. I know after going through an experience such as yours it becomes incredibly hard to ask directly for help after being so used for so long. Also it is no doubt in your nature to be the one doing the helping. I do agree with Barbara on the average nature of the victim to be an empath so maybe this is the right place to find the right help. Obviously the system is stacked against you and if I came across as angry I am certainly pissed that this has occurred. I don't believe anybody should have to stay in such a hopeless situation. On the issue of the Theta healing I offered Barbara who believes that i have refused to help, this was my reasoning. I wanted to share an experience that many people have said actually surpasses years of conventional therapy. If there is anyboby on this board that would like to take up that offer then I will leave it open till the end of the month. I am sorry that I can only offer 1 session to one person at this time. The reason was I just intended to put the cost on my credit card as it is not quite maxxed out. I have not donated to the members helping members account yet as I have a slight cash flow problem. This did not mean I did not intend to. Therefore I will find a way in the next week or so to donate the same amount as the cost of the healing session to it. If it goes directly to you then I would be happy with that. I know it's not much at this point but it's a small start. If nobody has used the Theta healing by the end of this month then I will also donate that amount. I do want to help and I am hoping once I get through my current situation that I will be able to do so on some financial level. Barring any more nasty surprises I'm hoping I can but I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep. I apologize once again for coming across as completely insensitive and my poor choice of words. I hope this explains myself better. I do believe we can find ways of helping each other through and they may not always be financial ways.

Nevergoback

#5 Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

NancyM

i really do think i completely understand what you are saying, which is why i am again going to have to decline your offer....you said this, for instance.... 'The real healing is about coming home to yourself as the absolute REAL you and finding out who you really are and not someone else's opinion or version of you.' i assure you, Nancy, that i am very self realized... and if you think that i believe that i am someone else's opinion of me, then you haven't read my blog... and no.. there is nowhere for me take my eight dogs and chill out for awhile... if i could have a found a place to take them all when i was financially able to...w e would be thousands of miles from here... so i am not here by CHOICE... Nancy... there is no way to make it clear to a PSYCHOPATH that you will no longer be their victim... except by FORCE... psychopaths stop victimizing people when they are FORCIBLY STOPPED, and not until... like i said previously, it is the psychopath himself who is in dire need of 'intervention'... not me.. this isn't about lack of personal growth... this is about a lack of help and services that i was told would be available to me, which are NOT, such as the pro-bono legal help you spoke of..this isn't about self denial... this is about me being denied basic civil and human rights... i don't usually bring this up... but i'm going to, since you continue to insinuate that i am in need of some sort of spiritual cleansing... i am the niece of one of the most influential evangelists/faith healers in history... if my situation had been simply a matter of spiritual intervention or spiritual healing,or even spiritual warfare... my situation would have been resolved long ago... anything that 'attracted' the psychopath to me was most certainly not any DEFECT of character or spirit... psychopaths and Narcs are attracted to the GOOD qualities in their victims... otherwise they would be a species of cannibal, and i think most people would be just fine with that... i believe i fully understand where you are coming from.. i also believe that I fully understand this, written by your mentor... 'My total understanding of co-dependence is requiring something outside of self rather than being a source to self, and as such my observations of narcissistic relationships can be some of the most toxic, enmeshed co-dependent relationships I have ever seen, being played out by both parties.. The addiction is as strong as any chemically enhanced substance, in fact more so in these situations... the addiction aspect of the co-dependent is a huge part of the narcissist phenomena which I write about in great detail in my books, and the narcissist is addicted to controlling and securing supply' again... let me explain MYSELF... i am in no way shape or form RESPONSIBLE for the behavior of a PSYCHOPATH... i am a VICTIM and he is a PREDATOR... i don't consider VICTIM to be a dirty word.. but i consider PREDATOR to be one of the dirtiest words in the english language.... what 'played out' was i was victimized by a blood thirsty predator... in a very extreme way... there was no co-dependency here... there is no such thing as co-dependency with pathologicals... your mentor also offered up this: 'No one can be targeted, manipulated and used when they are empowered, and that's the truth.' this is one of the most ridiculous, obscene and insulting things that i, as the victim of a violent psychopathic predator, have ever seen in print... anyone who thinks that it's possible to avoid being the target of a psychopath by simply convincing themselves they won't be, needs to take a long hard look at the crime scene photos of Ron Goldman... the victim of a lascivious psychopath... OJ Simpson... Ron Goldman fell victim to a madman by attempting to return a pair of glasses... was the 'universe' at work here?.. the 'laws of attraction'?... I THINK NOT!.. what was at work here was a MONSTER... a PREDATOR... a PSYCHOPATH... and Ron Goldman was simply a completely innocent person... in the wrong place at the wrong time... same with Sharon Tate...T ed Bundy's long list of victims... on and on and on... in closing... et me reitereate... if anyone is in need of 'spiritual intervention' here... it is the psychopath.. not me... if you would like to contact the psychopath about offering him some much needed healing, i will be glad to provide you with his contact information... and i would be very interested in hearing about the results... hopefully not in headline news... what i am in need of, is the return of my life, my security, and my health.. ll of which he stole from me... and all of which i was perfectly happy with... i am very grateful for the kindness i have been shown by the people here... ut i cannot be grateful nor accepting of an invitation to take the blame or the responsibility for my victimization... it goes against everything i believe in and stand for...

#6 Apr 3 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

wallaby (not verified)

Thanks NarcNarc!!!!!!

For taking the time to tease out all the nuances of what is being said here. It really helps that you are so clear of mind to explain these things. Part of what your Psycho saw and wanted to appropriate for himself and destroy in you is your sharp, keen and discerning intelligence. Thank God you still have some to share with us! That and your humor are spiritual intervention for me on this site (a godsend)! When I read these posts urging one to take responsibility for engaging with or even making it happen I feel in my body and heart are wrong when I read them. I feel my energy and mood drop. This as opposed to the majority of posts here where I feel engaged, "empowered"(hate that word as it seems so trendy and vapid somehow but it still is right in its true meaning), uplifted and distanced from the N and overall stronger and happier - even joyful and laughing. I trust the feelings in my body. I don't think I asked to be victimized - I did not know what was happening - I did feel "addicted" but in the sense that he brainwashed me into a cycle of anxiety and relief from anxiety and the relief felt so good - he also inspired and worked hard to create fantasies of perfection which lured. Normal people are not like this. And normal "non co-dependant" people do get snared in this web. I totally agree with everything you said NarcNarc and it helps, as a victim of one of these predators to be clear what happened. I am glad you carefully brought these issues to the fore. Thanks for taking the time. I think blaming the victim is a HUGE CRIME and in the bigger picture (beyond our individual expereinces) it is a continuation of societal oppression of woman - an extension of the days when women were being blamed for their own rape (she wanted it as she dressed provocatively and she said "no" but she meant "yes"). And of course, this all get perpetuated in the sad state of DV services for women - NarcNarc being a perfect example of how even a bright, articulate, competent, verbal, persistent english-speaking person cannot get services. Can you imagine what chance the "average' or poor, uneducated latino woman has? Zip, nada. How we understand what happens in these relationships has HUGE ramifications for how women get help. These ideas of codependance in these relationships are not only wrong and harmful for the individual woman trying to recover -but have MASSIVE IMPLICATIONS for how we as a society respond to domestic violence. The truth REALLY matters. Thanks NArcNarc for a much needed shot of truth and reality!!!

#7 Apr 3 - 3PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

there is no "hole in" me

more that you will appreciate wallaby & narcnarc http://laurakamienski.blogspot.com/2009/04/there-is-no-hole-in-me.html ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#8 Apr 2 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

not what I said

On the issue of the Theta healing I offered Barbara who believes that i have refused to help excuse me... what I said was that I felt that money could be better put towards our Members Helping Members fund... period... you apparently dropped it like hot rock after I suggested that. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/03/24/question-barbara-about-theta-healing#comment-31651 do not twist my words... I don't allow narcs to do that to me and I won't have it here either. BTW - only one of the things offered here has been taken: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/03/26/available-all-about-him-members Shalom. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#9 Apr 2 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

NancyM

Hot Rock

Yes I know it seems that way but it was not my intention so once again I apologize if that's how it sounded.

Nevergoback

#10 Apr 2 - 1PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

no physician...no therapist...no lawyer...

i don't have a doctor..or a therapist...and i can't get either..no insurance...no money...and i can't even get a divorce because i was turned down for legal aid..lack of children..

#11 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

windycitygirl

narcnarc

i am so sorry for your situation...i, too, was a realtor with 780 credit score, rental houses, money in the bank and then i got married to a narc....3 years and I couldn't get a credit card if my life depended on it...i guess, from my mind being in such a mess just about as soon as we married, i have turned in my real estate license, so now i have no job, and just trying to survive daily... i am still with him and am trying to put together some options...it is hard when your income is zero and you are depending on n... i wish you well

#12 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

windycitygirl......

i feel for you....being a real estate broker is like being a dinosaur...but my business really raked in the money...if he hadn't completely destroyed it, i cold have done ok on a quarter of what i'd have normally made.... but he destroyed it ALL... i can imagine how trapped and desperate you feel...i gave up my license too....because my business was already tanked...and to get his away from him......

#13 Apr 2 - 1PM

Monica

Meds, therapy, gardening and breathe......

I had panic attacks, too. They were severe. Couldn't breathe. Actually vomited a couple of times. Broke down crying. Came on from triggers, strong memories, xN/P calling a coworker that he knew was sitting near me in the office. I talked with my doctor about it and he gave me a very small dose of Xanax to take just when I had one of these attacks. And my therapist taught me some good breathing exercises, which I could do anywhere without anyone knowing it. The combination of the Xanax and breathing worked for me. I took the Xanax only when needed to calm me down and function. The longer I have been NC (despite his stupid, childish, waste-of-time end-runs) the fewer panic attacks I have, the less I need the Xanax. The more time that passes before I gave him the boot from my life and closed all open doors to him in my mind and my heart, the fewer the panic attacks and the less severe they are. You may need some outside help - your physician, a good therapist. Embrace their help! I had the same triggers you have...certain places, ways of driving somewhere, going past certain locations. I, too, would start shaking and have to pull over. I know exactly what you are going through...EXACTLY. Mine infiltrated every part of and place in my life. I, too, felt like my life was a living death. Many days I didn't think I would make it to the next. But I kept going to therapy, I took the Xanax when I had a panic attack, I committed myself to NC. And the further I get away from the "relationship" (can't really call it that with an N/P) the better it gets, little by little, day by day, minute by minute. Gardening is so therapeutic. I understand how you are feeling, though. The last two years I could not get into it at all (when I was still with xN/P). He took the joy out of everything. Yours is still taking your joy away from things you love. Don't let him!!! Talk with your doctor, if he suggests meds will help you - even if only temporarily - seriously consider them. I hope you have a good therapist. And I hope you get back into that beautiful garden of yours, like I have today in my own. I know you can do it. I know you can.

#14 Apr 2 - 12PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

nothing i can do......

i don't have access to hot tubs..or massages...he destroyed every aspect of my life...

#15 Apr 2 - 12PM

loveofmylife

panic attacks

Hey narcnarc. I've been where you are. What are you doing right now to help yourself with that? It is just like the adreneline is turned on and wont turn off 24 hours/day. Here are things that finally helped me: - massages to relieve stress - hot tub - exercise - having fun with friends. there were months where i felt like I was of no use to my friends - it was hard to get through that. - having a deep conversation with someone else - volunteering somewhere where you can really help. Are there children's organizations nearby you can help with? Someone else you can help through a hard time? my panic attacks lasted for about one year. When it was really bad, clonapin helped and xanax. But I hated taking drugs so tried to get off of the as quickly as possible.....

#16 Apr 2 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

wallaby (not verified)

narcNarc is in a terrible situation

I didn't realize it at first either. But she has no money, terrible PTSD, many rescued pets she takes care of, health issues, barely has transportation and is living on food stamps. All thanks to her PsyhoN. SHe does not have a support system and Kansas is a total JOKE in DV services - there is not help for her there. She is barely able to function to take care of her pets. Many of us are far more fortunate than she is and could avail ourselves of hot tubs, massage, exercise, fun with pals, and spend time volunteering. Unfortunately, NarcNarc can't. Hers is a godawful story, and a testimony to how dangerous these men are and the utter destruction they can cause. Which is a good lesson about getting out while you can, and giving thanks for what you have. I know I feel VERY fortunate in comparison.

#17 Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

wallaby

she's in Missouri ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#18 Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

wallaby (not verified)

Meant to type Kansas City

Which, after your post, I only just realized is IN Missouri! Why did they name it Kansas City there? What's wrong with Missouri City? lol

#19 Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

missouri city

there's both...kansas city missouri AND it's doppleganger Kansas City Kansas....both HELLHOLES........

#20 Apr 2 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

loveofmylife

I know you're trying to be helpful but you are kidding here? You're still dancing emotionally with a predator who's toying with your mind, heart & soul and in a dangerous situation... if you're someone like me who's permanently disabled thanks to these guys - hot tubs can be dangerous and I can't exercise. I rarely get out but I do have some net friends that I trust and my children... and gardening when I am able... I will say that Zoloft saved my life. I am still on a maintenance dose. I hated Prozac. Ativan helped as did Valium but now I am done to only a small dose of Zoloft. Still have Complex PTSD but much more manageable. You, however, need to go back to therapy ASAP! narcnarc is in a DIRE situation and there is NO HELP for her in her area. None. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#21 Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

loveofmylife

narcnarc

I need to learn my lesson and read the stories first.... sorry about everyting that has happened to you!

#22 Apr 2 - 10AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

it never ends.....

i don't have tv so i don't keep up with the weather reports.....it was raining lightly when i got up...and i had just gotten out of the shower when i heard a loud clap of thunder....the wind was blowing probably 50 miles an hour or more...looked out the window and could see the plywood about to blow off my car roof.....so i threw on some clothes and ran out, put it back on and laid some lumber across it to hold it down..the wind was blowing harder and harder...by the time i got the plywood on the rain was coming down in buckets...i was soaked to the skin by the time i got back inside.....so now i can't drive in the POURING rain and the wind to the pet food pantry...it's miles away...now i'll have to wait til monday...it never ends...but i wish it would......

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