The loneliness and obsessing

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#1 September 18, 2017 - 12:58pm

The loneliness and obsessing

It's been 36 days since I told him we were done. It felt great. Heck, up to that point we had been together for 2 1/2 years and he had discarded me like a piece of garbage countless times. The reasons were ridiculous and most times not my fault. He's a tornado and gets mad about something small and then just spins and finally discards me over something that had nothing to do with our initial argument. Regardless, it's done. But my question is how to I get over the obsessing... The wondering what he's doing, is he thinking about me, has he already moved on. I initiated no contact with him but of course he would show up at my house. It's been a week since that stopped. I suspect he's moved on. But truthfully it's the not knowing what's going on with him. I hate the guy, I love him. I don't miss him, I miss him incredibly. I want someone in my life, I can't bare the thought of someone. Seriously it feels some days like my head is going to blow off. I've done lots of reading and talk to all my friends. But I know they all think I'm in a good place with this, truth is there are still days I'm spinning. His lies are all coming to light. He's an alcoholic (although he doesn't think so), told me a month ago he flushed his drugs when i left (same drugs he told me a year ago he stopped do), he says he's been faithful but at this point I don't know what to believe. Near the end of our time, sex was even getting bizarre with porn needing to be on and talk of fantasies with us meeting someone in a bar and them coming up to the room with us. (All stuff I would never do).... Does my story sound familiar to anyone???? How do I stop thinking about this person who has my head spinning???? I know I don't want him back, but I also don't want to think about him anymore. I spent so much of our relationship sobbing....

January 12, 2018 - 10:26am

Treat it as an addiction

The only thing I can say is treat it as an addiction keep coming back to these sites to hear you are OK not alone and you do deserve to be happy.. It is easier said then done that is a fact!!! I have to be strong for myself, our friends keep saying we are ment for each other not one of his replacements were good, he never seemed happy, its hard , yes it sounds good but they don't know the real story, the numerous mental beat downs of accusations I delt with from him. He seems to be trying hard, fixed things around my house, but then holds it over my head when I try to end things after catching him in lies. I don't know how to close the door and leave it closed because I don't want to be the bad guy.

January 11, 2018 - 9:34pm

We’ve said it before but wow same guy!!

Your story continues to be the same as mine which gives me comfort. I felt the same disgusted with myself for going back and thinking it would be different. His daughter, 20, cried to me happily that we were trying again. My kids, same age, were mortified. I needed to hear stupidly that my replacement was messed up. Of course didn’t hear it so like you I knew I was second choice and that hurt. The drugs were still there, the alcohol, and the crazy sex crap hadn’t changed. It was awful. Hated myself and him... so my question to you is how do we stop the nonsensical bs... I say to myself every day: He doesn’t deserve me, and I don’t deserve to be treated like crap... truth I don’t trust myself. What do we do?


November 10, 2017 - 2:35pm

How did you feel last night

How did you feel last night with the texts? Did you feel like you should see him or at least talk? That’s my big struggle. I don’t want to but I feel compelled. And with the drugs that is so true. The day after was always the worse. You would be so mean and uncaring, yet I still tried to see his good. Can’t lie I get really mad and disappointed in myself for letting him do this to me over and over again...


November 10, 2017 - 2:51pm (Reply to #12)

I felt Angry Frustrated

I want so badly to tell him why or remind him why I won't talk to him but I can't I know if I open that door he will manipulate more communication want to meet in person to talk about it but it will always end the same with me being frustrated talking to a brick wall getting nowhere all the while he cuts me off saying I have explained and there is no more to discuss . disregards my feelings all together but if the tables were turned oh hell no I couldn't just say that and be done with convo . it would go on and on then turning it around to be me going on and on...... Head hitting wall with frustration me breaking down because it gets me nowhere why do I even I am trying to just stay silent. He will talk his shit to our friends but I have the power of closure in Away not I'm trying to convince myself of that. He has to know what he Did I hope but it doesn't faze him as being a big deal. Its huge to me . its a cycle of the being of downward spiral as always.
Stay strong NO CONTACT.
Baby steps is all we can do.


November 10, 2017 - 3:37pm (Reply to #13)

It truly is like talking to a

It truly is like talking to a brick wall. They don't get it and don't want to get it. I've tried to explain the hurt that I'm feeling and tried to talk it out with him to get some kind of closure. It's always the same. The Blame Game and I usually lose. And, trust me I get so bloody frustrated I want to smash my head into the wall. Nothing I say or do will make him understand. He drags my name through the mud and then denies it. Tells people I abuse drugs, drink too make and have anger issues.. Ironically that is all him. And not me at all. Sure there are times I'd love to beat the shit out of him, lol. But that's not gonna happen.
It's funny how a simple thing like no contact, should be so easy.. And yes, this is out venting ground!!


November 10, 2017 - 6:49pm (Reply to #14)

Its not simple at all

No judgements just understandings of what we are going through and allowing the pain we are going through to be validated because it's not something someone in a "NORMAL" RELATIONSHIP would or could understand. Family and friends see our pain and I know they have our best interests at heart but what's in our heart is another story.

November 10, 2017 - 9:05pm (Reply to #15)

So very true. No judgements

So very true. No judgements here. It actually feels good to be able to admit i fell off the wagon and broke no contact. I’m never happy with myself, in fact disappointed, but i can’t tell my friends because they can’t possibly understand. They look at me like I’m a child. So here we can talk and stop beating ourselves up!!!


November 10, 2017 - 12:23pm

Donewithgames are we talking about the same man

It's so weird for sure. I know its not the same man but holy moly exactly the same. I am told his previous girl has been gone a while only to get there knowing another lie but hopefully its kinda true. Through the night he's talking about why it didn't work out and he slips up it was just the night before he was talking about......omg I tell him WTH why do you always do this? You did this with me as soon as I leave your on the phone with the replacement. I told him the rocks are still flying in the driveway from her leaving just last night or this morning. The stories he tells are put downs of the replacements I say oh I am sure they have all heard what a horrible person I was too. And he comes back with it makes me realize what I had with you. And how wrong I was for pushing you away. And how many times does it take for me to realize he doesn't want me when he has me , why does he keep coming back???

November 10, 2017 - 12:57pm (Reply to #8)

They certainly sound familiar

They certainly sound familiar. Yes, mine tells me how brutal life was with my replacement and how he's now "a changed man." He tells me he doesn't drink anymore, doesn't abuse drugs and isn't jealous anymore. Really? And all on his own his reached this miraculous recovery. But he doesn't even remember his lies, because within days he's drinking, stoned and yelling at me about something. What I find the most alarming is how mean and cutting he becomes. He says stuff that is so incredibly hurtful and mean, yet doesn't understand when I call him out on it. He calls me a liar, selfish, self-absorbed. Ironically all stuff that he is. This last time I said what do you want from me?? You want me, yet when I'm back in your life, you are nasty to me. Of course, it's all my fault. I keep him a secret, I don't understand him, I bring out the bad in him... and it goes on.. And I'm the same as you.. I can't understand why he comes back and why he won't stop bugging me. It's painful because I don't want him in my life, I want normal. Nothing with him is normal. Life with him is drugs, alcohol and non-stop verbal abuse. Mind you there were good times, but they were always with me walking on egg shells. The brief periods of time, at this point a few days, throws my life in complete chaos. During those periods we will talk, I soften up and open my heart and soul to him, and within days he's using whatever ever I've told him to cause shit in my life. It's so odd and so cruel. I can't stand him, yet can't seem to completely cut him out of my life. Does this sound familiar to you?


November 10, 2017 - 2:17pm (Reply to #10)

Very much so

So similar. I can't hear the songs he sends me as he states he wants to prove to me he Loves me he is changed he realizes the drugs made him dalusional and he stopped.....yet the next time we talk I can tell he's loaded and he denies it. You can't deny the speach difference or the facial stiffness I know I have seen the actual loaded guy in action. Makes me cringe every time because after it wears off the aftermeth I call it is more dalutional and mean uncarirng. Making out to be my dalutions I am the one making things up.
Last night He sent me the why won't you talk to me....couple hours later he sends this is the last reach out..... 1 hour he sends another saying OK this is it last text..... 30 mins later he sends OK know I Love you and have a great life........ Will that be the end...... Doubtful but hopeful.

November 10, 2017 - 1:02pm (Reply to #9)

Truthfully sometimes I feel

Truthfully sometimes I feel obliged to answer his texts or calls. I don't want to answer them, but I can't not.. That I definitely don't understand at all....


November 10, 2017 - 6:17am

Don’t you find it almost

Don’t you find it almost eerie how familiar the stories are. It’s really refreshing talking to you because I swear my friends and family truly don’t get it. I hear constantly ‘just move on I don’t understand why you keep going back to him.’
The sad part is I don’t understand either. It’s been 3 months and except the latest slip up I haven’t been face to face with him.
What I find bizarre is the speed at which he works. Once the door is cracked open he’s in. Like I said with the latest he’s telling everyone within a day we are back together, he loves me.. blah, blah. And honestly he had just dumped his girlfriend hours before I came over.

The lies are staggering and he doesn’t see it. He can also switch from Good to bad in a flash. The simplest of things can have him firing me 30 one lined text message about what a piece of crap I am.. and then days later it’s like he forgets and tells me how much he loves me. He’s latest was ‘he’s too good for me, and I am too much of a project for him.’
It’s truly laughable. I just want to move on from this unbelievable nightmare. I’m tired of the sleepless nights with the spinning thoughts of him.
The sad part is he doesn’t see any of the damage he’s done or the affect it has had on all of my friends and family. He truly thinks people will welcome him back into my life with open arms because he’s such a great guy.
I know I’m getting stronger because I
Can see through this lies and his egotistical comments. I also don’t feel
Great about myself when I let him back into my life I almost feel trapped and definitely anxious that someone will find out I’m talking to him.
I was with the guy for almost three years and was discarded countless times for some of the most bizarre reasons and yes I would crawl
Back and beg him to take me back. On a positive I don’t crawl back anymore or reach out to him. I do however answer his texts which I have to stop.
I’m sorry you had a miserable night and wish I had seen your text last night. I’ve had too many of those nights and honestly know what you are going through. Would love to keep talking with you. Hang in there. We will get through this!!


November 9, 2017 - 6:57pm

Sounds so Familiar

I left my narc (Love of my Life so deep into my soul) a year ago , this was suppose to be my time to get ME back. A day does not go by I don't think about him. See similar vehicle and look to see if its his. Uggggh I hear from him about every 2 months as his replacement persons he had he says "REALIZES ISN'T RIGHT" same time frame we had as things would go south. 6 years off and on because of his drug addiction, phsycopathic accusations, I realize now he is a Narcissist. and no matter how loving the "Love Bombing" is in the beginning of each contact , it eventually returns to the same "Gaslighting", "Manipulating", "Triangulation",. I think I am strong enough to reply to the "Hi How are you" texts but I am not. I will never be able to talk to or see this person so deep in my soul again for the fear of the getting SUCKED BACK IN. I hate This power he holds and I am so damn ANGRY !!!! I just Want to forget he exists so I stop looking, thinking, wondering.

November 9, 2017 - 10:41pm (Reply to #2)

It’s hard isn’t it.

It’s hard isn’t it.
I feel the same way. Just when I feel
Like I’m moving on and getting strong he resurfaces with an obscure message. I tell myself not to respond but weirdly feel compelled to reply. And it’s the same thing every single time. He misses me, his new girlfriend doesn’t do it for him and I fall for it every single time. This latest time I started to talk to him and honestly felt strong. Within no time I had slept with him and he was telling everyone we were back together. I on the other hand told no one. It all happened within a week and he was so angry that I was keeping everything a secret. A week. He blew up because I refused to tell anyone I was talking to him. Everyone in my life despises him and at this point I run the risk of losing everyone is I was to get back with him. Do not want him in my life at all and am conflicted as to why I even bother talking to him. Do you have the same struggles?


November 9, 2017 - 11:02pm (Reply to #3)

How are so many stories the same as mine

It's honestly so refreshing to have fallen onto this site, to talk. With others going through such similar situations. Its hard to deal with but its got to get easier. Its just got to. I have the exact same thing happen to me 3 weeks ago. Texting leads to phone calls leads to meetings all while sneaking not to let family know because they assisted with help to move out in one day on a moments notice knowing what horror life was like in my mental jail. I know I feel free I feel relief being out of the toxic life but its so hard the emotional beatings I put myself through. I have to reflect back on the emotional beating he put me through just to stay away and I get angry again and the hurt doesn't go away. It keeps resurfacing. How can I emerge from the drownings of reflections. I just got a text tonight from him asking why I won't talk to him....... I can't even answer to explain what he did because it will do 2 things , open the door of communication and allow him to discard my reasons as to say I am over reacting. Being lied to knowing I am being lied to all the while he is trying to convince me of his truth which I know is a lie.
Miserable tonight

January 11, 2018 - 11:26am (Reply to #4)

Seeing if rollercoaster has stopped

I haven't spoken to you in a bit and was just checking in to see how you are doing. I know we were both going through similar things... The fight to not go back, yet always going against our gut and giving it another go.... I went back for five weeks and honestly was the worse five weeks of my life. His drinking, drugs and verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative crap was worse then ever. It ended with him sending me a text message with my replacement there.. and a nice message: I have a visitor, I'm over you. F off. Nice from a guy who 12 hours earlier was telling me how much he loved me, how happy he was and excited about the Christmas presents he had bought me. It hurt. Like hell. But made me tougher. I've moved away from him, have him blocked on absolutely everything and so far haven't soften to answer any of his lame emails that find a way of getting through my junk email. Hope you are doing ok.. Would love to hear from you!!


January 11, 2018 - 8:09pm (Reply to #5)

Definitely never stops

I wish I could say I was strong and stayed away. I was sitting lonely holiday times memories popping up on Facebook with him and his kids my kids and then he pops up in Instagram..... I couldn't believe it. I stued over it for a couple days then sent the text ..... why intagram why now???? Opened the inevitable door of love bombing. Its way different this time I don't feel the melting urge I am very angry very distant but he still tries to assume we are together , he wants to marry me like that's going to fix everything. I'm sorry it won't fix a thing my anger is still overwelming and I get pissed when I See the backslide. The trapped feeling is back I have nightmare's again of being held captive. The drugs still being used but he lies about it. Its an odor you can't deny when it's use is regular. The kids are involved which I don't agree with. They have been through this way to many times I go and come back way too many times. This time I feel like 2nd choice . he didn't want me when he had me had to go through many chicks to realize I'm the real deal......
I don't think so.
So good to check back in on this site and hear from you. Thank you for checking in.

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