My story

2 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 August 6, 2017 - 6:35pm

My story

My story is a bit odd in the fact that I don't think my boyfriend is what one would consider a "typical narcissist-ie.,. comments always peppered with pronouns of "I" and "me" and he isn't overly flashy nor does he come across as an egomaniac. However, since we started dating, there have been SO many red flags, particularly with his ex wife that I just can't help but notice what he presents as a bit "off" with the truth. So, here we go.....and I appreciate as much feedback as possible, as I am feeling like the "crazy and ungrateful girlfriend as the moment."

My boyfriend is a colleague. He's actually a bit of a superior, as the company I work at is predominately male and I'm the receptionist. He is a project manager. So, I began work at company "ABC" and met "John." John never struck me as a total douchebag, but I do remember asking him for help one day before we started seeing each other, and he acted a bit put out and didn't offer me any help and that stuck out in my mind. Also, another weird incident was a breast cake that was sent to work for his birthday and he was upset that this woman came into work and dropped it off, along with a few gift cards for his kids. Though, he didn't have any problem, redeeming those. He referred to this girl as a "stalker" from Facebook. That was an odd incident that didn't seem right.

Anyways, fast forward to about 6 months of working there. John and I had a few conversations and we both like techno music. He left a few techno cd's on my desk, which I thought was sweet and an invitation to a harbor cruise. As I had a significant other at the time, I quietly threw the flyer away and made no mention of it. Come Valentine's Day, my significant other had sent me a bouquet of roses but they were wilted and we had gotten into a fight the night before so I was down that day. Later, I found an orchid on my desk and John said that he wanted to put a smile on my face and that his flowers wouldn't die. Fast forward a few weeks, and he gave me another orchid and then tulips on my desk. After the tulips I was flattered and asked if he gave them to me and he said yes and I gave him a hug. I thought it was really sweet. That started a whirlwind romance in which I've had feelings of unease. The first thing that really bothers me is how acrimonious the relationship with his ex-wife is. She appears to genuinely hate him, and I can't help but wonder why. He claims that his 2 boys are his life and entire world, but he acts annoyed and put out by them whenever they are around. He has 50/50 custody of them, and I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to pay child support, or rather can't., so instead he splits custody of them. I saw a text message from his ex wife that read he nearly put her into bankruptcy and he doesn't pay any money towards the kids. When I asked him about it, he said that she's full of shit and he does pay for the boys Jiujitsu and towards the nanny. So, it's his word against hers, though I don't know why she would make up something like that.

Recently, he made a disparaging remark in a round about way and it hurt my feelings. It was our president's birthday and my boss and I stopped to pick him up cake and ice cream from the grocery store. When we were passing out the cake they asked me what kind it was and I said I wasn't sure, but that it looked like Tiramisu. He made a derogatory remark about "well, you would think you would know it's ice cream cake, considering it's in the freezer section" and one of the other project managers said "ok, chill out on the comments." So, after he made that snide remark I felt like he didn't respect me and he was being rude so I cooled things off. Well, a week prior to that when we were taking a bath I had told him about the 5 love languages book I had read and how my primary love language is gifts. So, about a day after the comment he made and how I didn't respond to any of his text messages he bought me my favorite brand-an expensive Coach purse. Yes, I am flattered that he bought me such an expensive gift, but I can't help but feel like he used what I had told him, my love language, against me.

Another red flag is that he belittled me to my boss. He told her that I had blocked him (yes, I did, because he blew up my phone and texted me about 20 times and said mean things to me like I'm a bitch, and a mess, etc. ). I finally confessed to him why I was giving him the cold shoulder and I said, look-the way you talk to women is atrocious. I gave him 3 examples-the first, being (and this one, he actually relayed to me-the story of his ex-wife and how he told her on their wedding day that she had halitosis), the way he spoke to another female (who was so offended that she called the president of our company and left a scathing message about John and how he spoke to her) and then the snide comment about the cake that he made to me. He proceeded to forward that email to my boss and said "I think she went through your computer and looked into my file while you were gone). Which I NEVER did. My boss was gone on medical leave for cancer and although I had access to her computer, I never went into any files that I wasn't supposed to, nonetheless, his file. I was hurt that he forwarded my text message to my boss though. And he's actually called her a few times and complained about our relationship, which is very unfair and unprofessional.

He also "love bombs" me. I've tried to break up with him before and he's sent me 20 text messages in a row-thus, why I blocked him. I went on his Facebook page and felt uneasy about some of the comments he made about his "female" friends. "looking good," "Wow," "so beautiful", he even made a comment about his niece that was off putting that said, "looking good Tina! Love Uncle J." I just feel "off" about things and I'm wondering if I'm just jaded from so many bad experiences with past boyfriends who were narcissists and psychopaths, or if I have reason to not trust him and be concerned. Thanks for listening.

August 8, 2017 - 12:23pm

Catharsis555...trust your gut.

Thank you for braving your story. I can't say in my opinion if he is a narcissist or not but there are definitely some bad behavior traits happening that he should check himself on. One in particular that stood out is his reaction when you approached him about the way he speaks to women. A healthy-minded, mature adult male, who has your best interest at heart, would have listened to you carefully and reflected on his behavior and took note of it. You would have seen changes in his actions and he may have even gone as far as to thank you for pointing it out. What he did, especially with you, is disloyal in that he didn't discuss your issues, betraying you by making something up and "telling the boss" on you. Very rude indeed, very childish, and hurtful. There is something "off" and I want you to TRUST your gut on this. This is the point where so many women make a wrong turn, in discounting their own instincts and trying to make allowances for the narcissist. They start doubting themselves and staying with this person, despite their gut feelings telling them, something isn't just right here. All of those "uneasy" off feelings have merit and you want to find out what is causing them. My money is that he is not all that he portrays himself to be... the love bombing with gifts and flowers was a way to "hook" you and his "sweetness" in those acts doesn't pair well with the other bad behavior he exhibits. For me, I would feel those are strong reasons for concern and distrust. Proceed with caution until you figure things out or simply cut your loses now and walk away... that's my advice.

FeFe

Log in or register to post comments