My worknarc

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#1 May 19 - 11AM
Helpneeded
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My worknarc

I have been dealing with a worknarc. The reason I am seeking help is that I have repeatedly attracted family and friends who are narcs and this point I have decided that I am going to change myself so that I don’t attract another one yet again. The article on empaths told me that nothing is wrong with me for attracting the narcs! So thank you Lisa! About myself: I am a 42 year old woman on a grueling career track. The next five years will make or break my career. So far I am doing well at work and recognized for my efforts by my superiors. I work really hard and long hours, in a happy marriage and have young children. This was a career I wanted, worked hard to achieve and love my job. The balancing act between work, home and kids leave me no time to indulge even in my hobbies or spend quality time with my family, so how I let this narc come into my life, suck out all my time, emotional energy, efforts make me obsessed with thoughts about him and how all this went down is a big mystery even to me!
I met my present narc at work. He is a married man and in the same career track. He is an introvert. The first time I met him he was a casual acquaintance and I did not feel any need to be friends with this person. I had other friends at work. Then he started visiting me everyday at work. At first I was confused as to why someone would come everyday then he said he does not visit anyone else at work (he does not) and I am important because we share the same cultural background. I then began to let my guard down and enjoyed talking about things with him about the university we graduated from (I did not know him back then) – so totally an acquired taste. A part of it was that because he was from the same city and same undergrad university he made me feel like I was back in undergrad days with my other undergrad friends- I guess that was my high. The interesting thing being I did not miss that at all in the 20 years that I have graduated from college. It was almost he found a dormant need in me and started catering to it. All my college friends are in another country and he felt like one of them- like I have known him from the past. On another note, he has an uncanny ability to know what I am thinking or feeling- it is bizarre. His main hoovering techniques have been saying that I connect with you emotionally like no one else, we share the same ethnic cultural background and there is no one in the entire city who can be a friend like you for me. He is not friends with anyone else at work. He hates that I have other friends, metes out silent treatment when I do, and makes pointed barbs when I talk to anyone else. In his ideal world I will be his best friend, he will be mine, and never available for me when I need him but I have to be available at his beck and call. He randomly compares me to his wife (me negatively) for no reason. Given that we are all in same career stages we get to work on same projects, go to same events and our families know each other. His wife is sweet but seems distant and reserved. She is completely dependent on him, does not work and he does both household chores as well as works full-time. I don’t know why he compares a spouse with a work friend. Other friends have commented that he wishes his wife were like you, doing it all and is making up for it by bringing you down. They think that he and his wife lack the emotional intimacy that we witness in couples. I am not sure about that but may be that is relevant to this story but I can’t tell. He does not share everything with his wife so although she knows I am a friend I am not sure that she knows the extent of our friendship. He says she is possessive and when she is around he acts like we are mere acquaintances- that bothered me because we are friends and I act around him the same way, whether or not my husband is around and it feels duplicitous from his side.
We have talked or texted atleast an hour or two every day (When we were traveling) for the past year and a half. He will respond to my texts or emails ASAP, and I do the same. It was always a hello and a random conversation that will spin into some manufactured conflict where I was defending my position for something innocuous. After a while I realized that I was the one initiating texts and meetings! It was as if our roles were reversed. Although it sounds like an affair it is purely platonic. My other friends think he has a crush on me and obsessed with me (now I see that it is possible in the weirdest narcissistic sense – in love with himself through me especially if his wife has given up with the mirroring and has emotionally distanced herself). I know that he is happy when he is talking to me especially when he is putting me down and winning. Despite the emotional intensity he has never made a move on me during our travels together, so I do not believe the love/obsession angle a 100%.
He also believes that I am rewarded at work and he is not, and I am generally well liked and picked by four clients over him. Now I am realizing he probably hates me for it. All this time I was thinking he was genuinely happy for me! We are in similar career stages although he will be I a senior position before me and has been with this company for longer than I have. This could have repercussions on my career especially if he becomes my boss.
I have been having conversation regarding boundaries for a long time. From the beginning something seemed amiss and when I talked about it one of my friends suggested it seems like BPD and should set firm boundaries. So from month 2 of meeting him it has been a dance of fixing boundaries. NPD makes sense now. He will push boundaries and I will give in but still give me hell for setting it in the first palce. Somehow things that I thought were bizarre when he first suggested them a year ago have now become the new norm. I now expect that from both of us. If he does not suggest it I feel disappointed. One year ago I thought he was off the mark for suggesting it. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me! I don’t expect that of other friends at work. Somehow when our roles got reversed he has been ignoring emails many times, saying he has been busy etc. But then he will turn right around the next day and say how he misses talking to me! I guess the devalue stage began then. During our last work trip we spent entire days together from the time we woke up and breakfasts together to client meetings and dinner. I mentioned I was unhealthily attached to him and vice-versa and we need to take time off of each other. I felt terrible that he was occupying my thoughts and I messed up client meetings and missed picking up my kids (my husband had to) because I was dealing with one emotional crisis after another that he manufactured. My husband knows this and trusts me completely my blessing in this whacky scenario) that this is a pathological but platonic friendship and told me to be civil and nothing more.
When I suggested LC or NC my worknarc raged and made a case that he cannot go NC and but will live with LC. So I said okay so we had conversations where there was mini-hoovering. He used to check on me via text atleast once every two days instead of everyday or meeting every day. After two weeks I missed him so I had a long texting session during a travel at the end of which I said LC or NC makes no sense at all I need from him is a little breather from time to time so that I can focus on my life but still be friends with him. He said he will think about it and then I traveled, during my travels he was unusually quiet and I resisted my temptation to text him. When I returned, he came by out of the blue to say that he has ignored his family and work because of me (really? It was the other way around!) and he needs to refocus on them! He said he will answer only work related important emails and only when he gets time to get around to it. So the special privilege of instant texting is lost. (Narctalk: you are not important to me anymore?) The irony is that this is EXACTLY what I wanted same time last year and he stonewalled me because I hurt him and I don’t know how to be a friend if I am not a friend 24*7. He said he was suicidal and depressed when I don’t talk to him. Then I change expectations and bend over backwards to accommodate him and now he is giving me what I asked for. I sent an email the same day to say I wish him well and he should contact me when he is ready. The next few days I sent a few texts (no response) or stopped by to say hello (got cold formal responses) to check on him because I believed I said something that hurt him. How can you go from saying you are suicidally depressed (not that it is good) and need to talk everyday to ignoring someone for weeks?
I was extremely hurt and blocked him off my phone. Then he met me to say he texted me something because he was excited about sharing it with me. I told him I blocked him off the phone to resist the temptation of calling or texting him and I will leave him alone. I think that could have bothered him- then I re-enabled him and I have not texted him until last week. We had a couple of cold work related exchanges in between. I had real family health crises and texted him just to inform him so that he cannot say I did not keep him posted- no response. I let the health incident slide although it hurt me immensely- I needed him but rationalized. May be he was traveling and didn’t receive text or forgot it in the middle of many things or he is so hurt by me that he can’t bear seeing me (my rationalizations, sigh this gets even more pathetic as I write it). I got a bonus for work- last year he was upset that I did not share the news with him first and I texted him first- my logic being I am going to take the high road and be a better person- the other being I miss our fun times and I want to avoid conflict and have things go back to normal. No response. Every other friend congratulated me on the bonus and checked on me at during the emergency – those who the worknarc said were fair-weather friends and will not be by my side like him when I need them (Really?). I can imagine my plight if I had listened to him and distanced myself from everyone else because he said everyone else other than him were out to get me and were jealous of me and his friendship with me! His silent treatment cuts through my heart like ice. I then sent another text saying without alluding to the hospital incident or bonus- just that I am very hurt and if that is what he wanted (To hurt me) he has succeeded still no response – although I know that he has all messages and was online. How can someone not respond when they know they are causing hurt? How could I have let myself become close to this person?
I know I have a big responsibility in things leading up to this and it is my fault that despite setting boundaries. I always responded even when I requested limited contact multiple times and let him push boundaries when he called or texted. My work has suffered because of him. I have been internet stalking him on FB. I hate this. I read stories of those that have lived marriages like this and can only imagine the devastation. I have a strong husband that supports me and kids that love me and I am obsessing about this narc. What the hell is wrong with me? What should I do? A part of me wants to apologize for setting boundaries and now that I know he is NPD apologize for injuring his narcissistic self. I also want to apologize to him for my last text where I said he was hurting me and he is doing a bad thing. Should I ? All boards say NC is best. I am going to meet him this week in meetings at work before we both travel for the next 10 weeks and won’t be seeing each other. Is this over? A part of me wants him to come back and have my friend back even hoovering seems attractive- it is so pathetic from my side. Will he be back? If he makes normal conversation at work like nothing happened not acknowledging the pathetic texts I sent him- how do I respond? If he gives me the cold shoulder how do I respond? In reality we have to work together on projects, travel together etc. after October, so NC is out -only LC is possible. Like a few people mentioned here it is not him but my response to him. How do I manage that? After joining this forum since Sunday I have checked for his online status once- although I really want to multiple times. How pathetic is that? He knows I still care and the narc supply is still there, so will he hoover back may be after 6-7 weeks after our travels or will it be this week? I am hoping 6-7 weeks will give me the time to build my defenses. The other half wants him to come back to talking to me like always and I will forgive him for everything. And no I am not psycho It has been 3 weeks of superficial conversations from his side when we run into each other and he knows it is driving me nuts. Main question for this work week- should I apologize for my text and then go LC/NC and act civil- nothing more /nothing less or just do LC/NC asap without the apology?

May 22 - 9AM
Hunter
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I suggest you read your story

May 22 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Helpneeded
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Yes Hunter, Yes I will. I

May 22 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
pumpkinpie
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"be normal like with other

May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Helpneeded
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You nailed it pumpkinpie.Yes

May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
ItsFinallytime
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"I don't know how and why I

May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
pumpkinpie
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ExN and I work together. I

May 19 - 12PM
spinning
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helpneeded, dearheart...

spinning

May 19 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Helpneeded
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Thank you Spinning, you are

May 19 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Helpneeded
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Today

May 19 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
talktothehand
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helpneeded

May 20 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
Helpneeded
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Day 2

May 20 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
talktothehand
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Intimacy