In desperate need of help :o(
In desperate need of help :o(
Hi everyone, please bear with me as my post is very long. This is the first time I have EVER posted anything online... I have been visiting enotalone for years now, always reading about other people's heartbreak to try and help my own, but to no avail. My high school sweetheart and I reconciled after 10 years apart. We have both been married to other people for brief periods, and neither of us have children. He didn't know what he wanted for a very long time, but eventually he decided that leaving his wife to be with me was the right thing for him. Things were amazing from the point when he realised it was me he wanted to be with, after all, we had 10 years to catch up on. However, six months into our relationship, I discovered he was cheating on me with his ex wife. I ended our relationship and 2 weeks later he was begging me to forgive him and to marry him. I accepted his proposal about a month later, and the very next day, he withdrew it. Then months later, he bought me a beautiful engagement ring and left it on my driveway in the middle of the night in the pouring rain after a fight, just to prove some crazy point. I have never worn the ring - it was never given to me properly, and he has since sold it. This was more than 4 years ago. It has been very up and down, on and off for a long time but he'd always beg me to take him back even though he was the one breaking up with me all the time.
He became cold, cruel, abusive, punishing, demanding and spiteful. Constantly threatening to leave me, causing me so much emotional distress that I became hysterical. I moved in with him so many times, and he threw me out at least 6 times when we’d fight, and then beg me to come back. He has cut me off completely so many times by switching his phone off and refusing to take my calls. He won't take responsibility for anything. He calls me horrible names and yells at me. He doesn't trust me but I've never ever done anything not to deserve his trust. When we broke up many years ago while we were still at school, it was me who broke up with him and he blames and punishes me for that to this day. He has refused to go on a single trip with me, claiming that he's saving money for "our" future. But then he goes out and buys a brand new car and motorbike (knowing I hate them – he did this after he’d left me one time, and came back and announced that he’s got a motorbike) and goes overseas on his own for a week, knowing how much I've wanted to go away with him.
He just does everything to hurt me and to push me away, and then he blames me for the fact that I'm miserable. Every time he leaves me, he reactivates his Facebook account and posts things on there to taunt me and hurt me, yet when we're together, he generally refuses to be on it. He has a demanding job where he needs to be tough and in control, but he's brought this to our relationship as well and he's become so unbearably hurtful. I don't want to leave him despite all of this because I do love him, which makes me feel like a desperate fool considering he's more than prepared to leave me. We were supposed to go on vacation together in 2012 for Christmas, but he left without me the day before and then threatened to leave me "for good" if I didn't get in my car and meet him there. I ignored his calls and hundreds of abusive texts, all alluding to me sleeping with another man (not true). He even went as far as telling me he's replacing me as we speak. It was an hour and a half of abusive texts in non-stop sequence, and then they started again at 4am including prank phone calls to my home phone, waking my family. He does this every single time. He is accusing me of the most horrible things, but he's the one who broke my heart for ruining our plans and going away without me and leaving me thousands of times, saying “goodbye” at the drop of a hat. He grew up in a home where his father drank a lot and emotionally abused his mother (according to him).
He comes from a large family where the majority of his uncles / aunts are divorced. He had serious anger issues as a very little boy and turned to drugs in his late teens after we had broken up, which continued for a couple of years, but he's been clean for about 10 years now. He used to be on anti-depressants, but now he believes he's doing nothing wrong. He has gotten up in my face and his blue eyes turn black. He has spoken to me through gritted teeth and intimidated me to shut up. He has, when we lived together, pushed me, flicked cigarette ash on my dinner, thrown little decorative pebbles at me, thrown the blanket off of me through the night so id feel exposed. He tried wrestling car keys out of my hands once and cut himself in the process. He then proceeded to wipe his blood on my face and on my leg, and stood over me squeezing his finger so that more blood would drip onto my head.
I've had 2 LTR's in my life (3 if you include the first time around with him back at school). When I left my marriage, I never looked back. I didn't cry, didn't miss him, I felt free and content with my decision. Never in my life have I been dependent on anyone, nor did i have a fear of abandonment. I was adopted as a relative newborn, and I am blessed to have the most AMAZING parents so I've never felt isolated, or unwanted, or even curious as to where I came from because my parents ARE my parents, and I even look like them! He went as far as texting me one time, saying "they should have dumped my unwanted a** in the river when I was born," and that I'm a s**t like my mother (referring to the woman who gave birth to me). He's even said that my parents, who love me more than anything, should be ashamed of me and that I'm an embarrassment. Oh, and he always says that I shouldn't worry because my mother will "set me up with another wog so I can get married and save face." He ended up breaking up with me in September of last year, and a few weeks later begged me again to take him back.
He ended up moving in with me, and everything was going really well, but I was nervous. I looked at his phone one night while he was outside, and found a flirty text from some woman. I confronted him about it the next day, and he told me she was a lady that he helped at work, and that he is friends with her husband also. He was livid that I looked at his phone, and said that he felt “betrayed” that I still didn’t trust him and thought he was cheating on me. The thing is, my lack of trust in his is no longer about him cheating on me years ago – it’s to do with the constant abandonment and how easily he’d walk away from me. So he ended up packing his bags and proceeded to ignore me for the next fortnight. I was off work sick with tonsillitis, and I had to sit there staring at his packed bags all day every day. Sometimes he’d come home from work and try to talk to me, other times he’d just blatantly ignore me. I tried talking to him one evening, and he ended up saying “don’t worry about it, I’ll be out of here tomorrow,” and I was so angry and I said “no, if you’re going tomorrow, then get your things and leave now.” He did.
A couple of weeks later, he started trying to make amends again, but I was so hurt that I didn’t let him come back. I told him that I needed time to heal and work myself out, and he kept hounding me and begging me to marry him. He even went as far as calling my father to ask for my hand in marriage. I blocked his number and refused to take his calls for almost 4 months – sometimes I’d call him and we’d talk, but most of the time I’d ignore him because one minute he’d be in love with me, and the next he was saying goodbye again. He started going to a counsellor again, and he’d email me the most beautiful things, promising me everything I’ve ever wanted and telling me he prayed for the chance to “shower me in everything he’s withheld over the years,” saying that the reason he kept running away was because he was scared of his feelings for me, and of me leaving him, which I never did. He said that he wasn’t going to let his fear take me away from him anymore, and that he’d give me all the time in the world to heal, and that he’d be there when I was ready.
Fast forward 3 weeks later, I call him, and he doesn’t answer. A few hours later, I get a text saying “what do you want. Don’t ever call me again.” He starts changing his relationship status to “single,” and making it public. Of course, this was my undoing and I started calling him incessantly for 3 weeks. Emailing him, texting him, and generally being ignored. Sometimes he’d answer an email, but only to say that he’s “moving on,” and that he “waited long enough while I played games with him.” He claims that I was “portraying to be moving on, on Facebook,” which was NEVER the case. I posted a few photos of myself with my girlfriends, and that was it. He actually changed his relationship status – I never did that. He said that the only reason I was now calling him, was because he had stopped. I told him that I thought he was just giving me space, like he’d said, but he just kept ignoring me. He kept saying “it’s over,” but this was nothing new. Yet when I pressed him to say that he wanted me out of his life forever, he couldn’t say it. I asked him if he was letting my go forever, and he said “I don’t know. I can’t answer that question. Leave me alone.”
I eventually got angry and sent him an email telling him he’s a coward and that I know exactly what he is, and I’m glad to have finally worked it out. He wrote back and said “already told you it was over 50 times, you clown.” This was 13 days ago. I haven’t responded or contacted him since, and nor has he. I deactivated my Facebook account a while back, and he’s back on his. He has added new females to his friends list, but there is no evidence that anything is going on with any of them – they’re both mutual friends of one of his mate’s. He posts photos of himself and his motorbike, but that’s it. His relationship status is now hidden, too. Does this mean he’s really gone forever, or is he punishing me for blocking him out for 4 months? He gave me so much hope, this time especially. How can he just switch off in 3 weeks? I ALWAYS told him that the time apart wasn’t about anybody else, and it wasn’t. But he always accused me of having someone else. I told him I’d had a meal with an old family friend from interstate, and he called it a “date,” and started accusing me of moving on. It was NEVER the case. If he was moving on now, wouldn’t he put his relationship status back to single, and be posting photos of him with other people, not just pictures of himself alone, or of his motorbike? I feel like he’s just punishing me, otherwise he’d be taking pleasure in rubbing his new woman in my face, but he isn’t…
Please help me. Do you think he’ll ever reach out to me again? What do you think is going on?