Feeling a little lost

Hello everyone!
Haven't been on here in a few weeks!
Have been pushing through trying to stay strong. It's been 4 months.. But feels like a lot LOT longer.. Why is that?
Pushing through, still at times, feels like in acting.. Not sure if I'm truly there yet but so desperately want to be.
Generally not a day goes by with out him popping into my mind.. And I know a little part of me still holds on to the good (very fleeting and fake) feelings and times we did have which I know aren't real.. Yet they float somewhere in my mind..
He randomly every 4-6 weeks tries to make contact, now via email or calling on a private number ( he is blocked otherwise) and he doesn't get the reaction he wants and I know I won't get what I want because he is not the person I thought or imagined him to be.. And that reality I guess the longer it goes on the longer it has to really sink in.. I'm focusing on me which is important, but I know I'm not living the life I want for myself and that is keeping me going back to the way he made me feel when it was good.. I want that feeling but with someone normal! (Wonder if that is possible?)
I'm feeling like I'm the fake! And if I'm honest, the image of who I thought he was I miss... I know I lost a part of myself when I was with him.. And don't think I've found it yet.. So I'm feeling a little lost.. The void he left still feels at times like an open wound.. Thought I was past that!.. Do we often continue to go back and forth in our minds and think we are much more ahead than we really are when we then feel like this again? Or is that just me?