My Progress

Hello to everyone.

Today marks four weeks since I had my final unexplained meltdown about my exN who I ended my relationship with in October.

I found out he was engaged by stupid facebook on 20 December, and spent that weekend in the strangest, most self-destructive, injurous state I have ever had, trying to make sense of the feelings and emotions within me.

This culminated in me spending Saturday night on the telephone to a girlfriend drinking myself stupid (something I never do - I hardly drink at all), to the point that I was incapable of walking, fell asleep and woke up in my garden. This was my low-point. Massive shame and confusion, a lost child.

By an act of grace (and lots of internet searching) I found this site that day in a fog of hungover misery. It was, as it has been for all of us here, an amazing, painful and liberating discovery.

Why couldn't I let go of this toxic relationship?
Why couldn't I stop talking about it with my friends to the point I was becoming annoying and repetitive?
Why did my life feel bereft of any meaning, value or reality?
Why was I second-guessing myself, physically sick (heart problems - go figure!), and with an anxiety problem I have never had before for which I had to take medication to get through the day?
I looked in the mirror and all I could see was a BROKEN, frightened and confused automaton bearing no resemblance to me.
What was with this cavernous EMPTY feeling inside me, like I was a shell of a person?
What happened to my experience of joy in the world, sense of humour, gentleness, desire to learn and not judge people?

Ive learnt so much in these four weeks, and wanted to post my progress.

I no longer blame myself for what happened to me.
I forgive myself for being human and seeking love and wanting the relationship to work.
It is of no importance to me whatsoever what others think in relationship to me and the exN. They didn't live my experience and when I need validation or support I seek out and trust those who have been through this experience.
I am proud of myself to telling him to get out of my house!
I forgive myself for having emotions.
I do not need to check facebook and indeed, am not interested in facebook at all.
I have started listening to my body and what it is trying to tell me.
I do nice things for myself when I feel rotten, rather than punish myself. (make a cup of yummy herbal tea, paint my toenails, write a nice card to a friend, listen to a relaxation tape, play with my beautiful dogs, take a walk in the garden and really look at whats happening within it).
I have reduced my use of anxiety meds through the day.
I am re-investing in my own life and becoming re-aquainted with all the things that used to give my life joy and meaning - the very things exN devalued - walking with my dogs, gardening,reading, painting/drawing, listening to music.

I am beginning the process of observing my obsessive thoughts rather than judging or evaluating them.
I have started to understand a bit more about trauma bonding, silent treatment and projection - being able to do so through the knowledge and experience of this site has been an incredibly liberating experience.

I have a long way to go, but in this four weeks I have been so proud of myself for just hanging in there, taking one day at a time, getting to know myself again and really starting to look after myself.

There is a long way to go, and I have a lot of stuff to come to terms with, but I just wanted to say thanks to all of you on this site for making this positive process possible.

The sharing of your stories, insights, pain and progress is such a wonderful wonderful thing. It restores hope, precious hope that we can all move forward into healthier, happier beings.

Wishing you all good health, happiness and peace.