Revenge

I am not proud to be having to type this tonite but I can not tell ANYONE else for I have to be honest I have been terribly struggling with my D&D since it happened almost 6 weeks ago now and I was so angry (hurt) I reduced myself to getting revenge and now I am left feeling ashamed of myself. I will start with I know for sure he is a narcissist and I know I have my work to STILL do because I was still conned by now my 3rd Narcissist. I thought I did everything to prevent and watch for flags but as you know they lie and they are good! And he was VERY charming and good at telling me EVERYTHING I needed to hear to get me hooked. I was not even sure that I was interested. I thought I took this slow. He knew my X was an N (diagnosed) and unfortunately he knew I needed to feel safe and he obviously knew I was a good target and how to play the game. He definitely knew when I let my guard down and of course the flags started to definitely show up -- I was emotionally in. I know codependency plays a part for me but this D&D was insane. But before this site I don't think I truly understood there was even a 3 step process with N's and let me tell you he followed it to a T. I will never understand how they can all do this same pattern. But they sure do. I confronted him first time on his total complete change of behavior on certain actions of his. It was seriously an overnight change After what I know now was love bombing! I had even said to him multiple times that there was 2 of him the before XXXXX and the after XXXXXX and where did he go???? (Before I even knew this was how it worked with them!) He sure got angry when I said this to him. Honestly, I didn't even know what I was saying!!! I was saying it only as an observation at that time!!! And he sure could be MEAN when the mask was removed or questioned!!!!. And it was so hard to follow because seriously on the values and integrity topic - the after XXXXXX was a completely different man. That is a mind Fxxx to try to wrap your head around. You wonder what you are missing or if you are crazy. Still when we were TOGETHER 95% of everything else was still OUTSTANDING! It was what I was learning that he did in his spare time when we were not together that was showing me we had serious issues. Or should I say he did. What a mind Fxxx!!!! I swear it was 2 completely DIFFERENT people. He continued with some outrageous behavior and additional flags showed up and I confronted him a 2nd time (VERY KINDLY -knew I was walking on eggshells and anytime I brought up anything that wasn't boosting his self esteem he would get MEAN) and I had learned in my past relationships MUCH on communication. When confronted he would not say ONE thing - literally. He would seriously like run out the door and not respond at ALL for days!!!! Not one word!!!! There was my ST each time. I got ST multiple times. That is how I found this site!!!! Trying to figure out who the heck does silent treatment. I knew it was cruel. I even mentioned it to him that that was very hurtful and pushed serious buttons with me. That was before I knew what I was dealing with. Remember I am trying to be in healthy relationships and sharing what hurts me and how we can meet in the middle with communication styles. Didn't know i was arming him!!!! What did he do - MORE OF IT!!! I would text him and feel seriously crazy I could not handle it. It was cruel and felt total abandonment. He just turned the knife more. He would just text a few words days apart and basically was told he was not going to address anything and that I am totally wrong on my assumptions. Basically making me feel like I was CRAZY and he was a great guy and I was making a huge mistake. So much more there in the discard but you all know how it goes. There was a 3rd and final time - I had evidence on his lies and actions - found out he also was constantly on online dating sites. I was confronting him on the phone and he was trying to pull crazy making and gas lighting telling me he wasn't on match all the time to find other woman - "hello" is there any other reason to always be going on!!! What else do you do on there.... But he was going to let me know I was WRONG - he said what he wanted to say and hung up on me!!!!!! Then blocked ME from all communication and discarded me and basically made me out to be made as crazy! Would NOT respond to ANYTHING and made me out to be not worthy of another word!!!! Total Slient Treatment!!!! Yes I know - what do I think I am missing??? Of my N's I had not experienced ST and D&D like this before. The others would try to defend and at least LIE. Not discard you like you cheated or were cruel to them!!!! Im sure everyone knows what you are left feeling. Here's where I failed - I am still angry and getting revenge I wanted!!!! I unveiled who he was anonymously!!!!! I know it has sent him spinning!!!! Yes - I feel terrible because it is not who I want to be. But I could NOT sit with that he though he pulled a fast one on me and that he got away with everything!!!! I know he is on to his next victims but I could not sit with him thinking he pulled a fast one on me that I am crazy!!! What I knew was REAL!!!! I know this also comes to pride! But I could not live with being a crazy woman!!! But now I am feeling like I am one!!! He didn't feel like I deserved to have closure or be heard.....why do we have to sit back and take it???? I am sorry I was not stronger to not care what he thought!!! But why shouldn't they suffer? Look what they do to each and every one of us!!!!