Wasn't prepared for this

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 17 - 2PM

Healingnow

Wasn't prepared for this

Hi,

I was walking in town today and suddenly exN was alongside me on a bike with a dog. I didn't know until he said my name quietly and I looked across. He was right there looking at my face. I recognised him afer a second cos at first he was just another person passing, I saw him and reacted. I said 'go away' and walked fast to get away. I had my little one with me and he called after her a couple of times then went.

An hour or so later I was in the supermarket and then he appeared again, I saw him and sort of gave a look of 'oh no not you again'. He followed me into the aisle and said my name again a couple of times. I kept walking and blanked him completely. He said so are you going to let me see my daughter, I kept looking at the food and then he was gone. I don't know to where but I kept looking out for him the whole time I was at the till.

Did I give too much away by reacting? I couldn't help anything I did as I was in shock.

He has a DOG, he loves a DOG more than his child!

I have been devastated since I got home. Theres me with no soul left and him looking just dandy.

He looked ok, happy enough. He wanted to carry on like nothing has happened, like he had never treated me badly.

#2 Mar 17 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

Healing Now

you did fine. if you run into him again tell him if he doesn't go through your attorney regarding visitation and brings it up on the street or in a store again - you're getting a restraining order. Just be prepared for next time. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#3 Mar 21 - 4AM (Reply to #16)

Healingnow

letter

Thanks all, My solicitor sent a brill letter after I told her. It said that he sought me out in the supermarket and shouted at me and we don't understand why he would jeopardise his contact with his daughter (he was seeing her this weekend). She said he has been warned previously and that he is now on notice, next will be a non molestation order and contact will cease immediately. So hopefully he won't approach me again. How hard is this process though, all these realisations.

#4 Mar 17 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Amazed

Healingnow you did Perfect!!

You did perfect! Yes, actual cool, calm, collected, just like you did. He is obviously trying to break you down, get under your skin, so he can take the daughter for a rough ride. Forget about it. You are in control. Be prepared, knowing that he will pull stuff like this on you out of the blue. He will try to surprise you so your guard is down, and you are acting like nice, considerate, respectable you. However that leads to devastation with the N. You have to always be on guard with the N, now , and in the future.

#5 Mar 18 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

Healingnow

under my skin

Thanks for the replies. I thought I did crap to begin with. I was so effected by him. I couldn't believe the impact it had on me. I felt so rejected, like only my child mattered to him. He was the sweet person again. Yet I know he hates women. I came away feeling guilty..........but isn't that what he liked me for in the begining..my ability to feel guilt and blame when he blameshifts. One thing I did realise though was how much he promised to never leave me, protect and provide. I never asked him to be like that but he has a great air of this about him. Women get really effected by this in him and think he's great. This is all too sad. I spent the whole night breaking down with the loss. Funny he has accused me of trying to break him. Yes I suppose if my guard is down he has more room to play. I know he wants to reject me so I feel bad, it works though. I have emailed my lawyer. Thanks

#6 Mar 18 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

wallaby (not verified)

Grace under pressure

Wow. You did great! What a creep. Its like some horror film how he showed up and what he said. So sorry you have to deal with it with a child. Remember how all the "likeable" stuff is image, all facade, all an act -he is a predator.

#7 Mar 18 - 2AM (Reply to #5)

Healingnow

It felt like a horror show too.

Hi, Yes it was surreal the way he appeared beside me. He was creepy. Problem is that now I feel so sad and guilty. You know, depriving him of seeing his child etc. I also find it hard to see him as a predator when I actually see him. Something just trips into him being a genuine kind guy without intent to hurt. Maybe i'm good at getting caught in his belief system. I know it was bl@@dy painful seeing him. Brought up all my ideas of a happy family. How can I keep reminding myself that he is a predator?

#8 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

wallaby (not verified)

Healingnow

I tried to find and read your story on the stories pages to learn about your situation but couldn't - so I am just winging it here. But whatever the specifics of your history are with him - recall them in detail. The way your N behaves is predatory - all of them are - that's at the core who they all are. Even "nice humble" ones are always looking for prey to feed them. I'm sure he has acted terribly or you wouldn't be here- as soon as you start feeling sucked in and thinking "oh he's not that bad" just stop yourself in whatever way works. For a long time I actually put a rubberband on my wrist I would snap hard when I started having these thoughts. ANd I snapped it HARD - it's really simplistic but it was something concrete I could do to tell myself to "Snap out if it!". Literally. It worked. You do get averse to the pain and so when your mind goes to those "warm, he's not that bad, thoughts - you actually cringe in anticipation of he rubber-band sting. It definitely helped me control those undermining thoughts more! I also kept a list of horrible things he had said, done on hand. It's part of breaking out of their mind control I think - to remind ourselves whole they REALLY are when we start slipping. Now I've graduated from rubber-band snapping and lists to just visualizing him as a snake. WHen I think of him I think about a snake (and I freaking hate snakes). Hope this helps.

#9 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #7)

enoughalready

wallaby

I was hesitant to write my story for fear of judgement and guilt. This is the first time I ever shared my feelings online about someone I loved who happened to be a narcissist. I am married to a surgeon who has a lot of cerebral narcissistic traits. Regretfully, I am extremely emabarrassed to have fallen in love w/ a somatic naricissist.As a result, I have decreased my self-esteem worse than it ever had been due to my own decision making of accepting this predator into my life. I wasn't happy in my marriage for a very long time 15 yrs. I went from bad to worse. And honestly, I was brought up in a wealthy family, married into wealth and had an affair with a man who makes half of what I do. I love to be intellectually stimulated by the men in my past. But this ex-N was different in every area. Not intelligent, shallow, used very foul language, a "steroid" drug criminal record, low income job, not a Christian,nor did he go to church, unkempt,a woman-looker, not a gentleman, into his body and self, a body-builder, rude, crude and socially unacceptable. The ONLY good thing that came out of this, is the new found appreciation of what I have in my life. My husband has some narcissist traits,but I do too. But in our profession, we have to have empathy to care for patients. Anyhow-thanks for listening. I still feel like a fool from what I've done. I have a lot guilt to deal with.

#10 Mar 21 - 3AM (Reply to #15)

TexN (not verified)

Enoughalready

No one is going to judge you... I separated from my husband, two weeks later, i met the "charming narc", stayed with the narc for 7 yrs, had a child (all while still married), & now I'm back with my husband with child in tow...umm, I'm definitely no one to judge...

#11 Mar 20 - 2AM (Reply to #14)

rache

enoughalready

FORGIVE yourself-GOD has.remember what Jesus said-"Go,and,sin no more."

#12 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #11)

wallaby (not verified)

I am so sorry

You feel so badly about yourself. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You need to learn a lot about how the N predator works -read everything Barbara and others here suggest on it. They MESS with your MIND. They seduce, lure and trap you. Educate yourself endlessly - it will help you. ANd try and forgive yourself I felt like a fool for the longest time - one thing I've noticed here - most of the women feel terribly ashamed and stupid and duped. It's part of how it works. I'm so glad you ended up here so you can start to heal.

#13 Mar 19 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

enoughalready

wallaby

Thanks so much for your nice comments and funny ones too. It feels great to laugh again. Having a narcissist father who's a physician, 2 brothers who were valedictorians and physicians, a sister w/ a successful business and mother w/ a masters degree to nursing and music. I grew up in a shame/honor, all about success, extremely strict environment. And from that upbringing, I've automatically become an inverted narcissist (my own diagnosis)-yes, we nurses do that. Anyhow-i was broken before I got married but now I'm getting fixed slowly but surely:-). I continue to learn a lot from this website. But I have oftened wondered how many women have been affected by these evil predators and not researched anything about naricissism. That in itself is very sad and their life goes unanswered.

#14 Mar 19 - 1AM (Reply to #13)

wallaby (not verified)

Enoughalready

Yes the laughing is a godsend. WOW what a family! I also grew up in privilege/affluence (much of it in Bel-Air and Beverly Hills) and was surrounded by intellect, wealth and success. My father (a N) VERY successful in business and very smart - and my step-father a famous architect. But I did not have to compete with high-achieving siblings too much (although I have them) as their was so much mayhem in my family I barely lived with sibs (Both my parents married 4 times). I also did not have the strictness like you - only random MASSIVE judgement and criticism (always fun) when my mother (also a N)actually remembered I was around which, thankfully , was not too often. Sounds like you were shamed quite a bit and have internalized that and learned to be VERY hard on yourself. That just sucks. It also makes you want to take responsibility for everything - and that is just a HUGE burden. I would reconsidr your self-diagnosis of inverted narcissist - it is controversial to say the least. I actually have a PHD in psychology (although no longer practice) and know enough to know that while in some psycho-dynamic circles that is used - you need to take it with a massive grain of salt. Newer research indicates that while children of N's may be more vulnerable to predators - we are NOT like them and are NOT "codependant". This line of thinking can be VERY damaging to the recovery process. We all have narcissitic traits. I love it when someone like a screenplay I've written - I love getting a compliment from a handsome man when I look nice - I have wanted (and have been and enjoyed) being the center of attention at times etc. And "worse" - put my needs before my kids at times etc. But that is part of being human - and maybe I need more validation because of my background - but the truth is I AM NOT LIKE MY N (we are not ying-yang with him acting out my N for me). They are different - they have different brains. I sense this may be especially important for you to think about. Sometimes we overthink things due to our training. Sometimes an A**hole is just an A**hole who sucked you in and screwed you over and your life is a mess because of him and his ability to mess with your mind. Ty to sit with what FEELS right and spot on and gives you real joy and a sense of truth when you read it. That's the stuff that will help you heal. I am SO GLAD you are able to start laughing and discussing some of this awfulness that took over your life. You will get STRONGER and STRONGER!!! You go, girl!!! And no more beating yourself up!

#15 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

enoughalready

You need to read my story ASAP. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING!!! You were targeted by a consummate con man & hypnotist who CONVINCED and BRAINWASHED you into taking all the guilt. Are in therapy??????? ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#16 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

enoughalready

barbara

No, I haven't read your story yet. And therapy, I was in therapy til she went to China for a month. I've been looking for another one-for back up.

#17 Mar 19 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

enoughalready

my story: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story find a ptsd clinician: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

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