Forgiveness

Hi guys, it's been awhile. So you all know, first off, yes, I am NC and fully so... I wanted to write a topic on forgiveness. I know some of us may not feel to forgive these people, or even ever want to, but I wondered what you all thought about it?

I believe in forgiveness, and towards the end of my time with him I realized despite wanting to forgive not only him, but also myself, for what he put me through (he scoffed at the notion he had put me through anything, mind you I nearly lost my life along with my sanity), but also many mistakes I had made; I couldn't do it while he was around. One minute he loved me and wanted to marry me after all (formerly he said he didn't want to commit to anyone. Soon as I said I was leaving he had a change of heart). I called him out on that one minute, he said he could change, when I suggested how, he said I demanded too much. Anyway, the next he said I was so desperate for marriage, I'd marry someone I didn't love. It ended in my anger being directed at him and him accusing me of saying I'd forgiven him and clearly hadn't. He's right, I hadn't.

After leaving, I find myself with a lot of CD, mixed emotions (still), I've been away from him awhile now, but I still have moments...and wonder if I can ever forgive him fully. I want to, I want to rid myself of the toxin of anger and rage and feeling deceived despite his claims to absolute honesty. I can admit where I went wrong, so why couldn't he and so on?

Sorry for the ramble..anyway, I don't feel any love feelings for him anymore. I can admit I care for him, just as I care for any human being, and I still miss the him I fell in love with, and I still feel care and love for the child in him that was hurt, but him... I feel numb.

What do you all feel about forgiveness? Did you ever reach the point you could? How did you do it? Any thoughts would be appreciated.