Dreams

I'm not one for having dreams (or at least remembering dreams), but last night one woke me up.

I've been 9 weeks of NC and what I have been focusing on up through now is in how much of a narc he was. I read a lot and can see very clearly that he is just a mess. It's crystal clear. As I read, examples pop up constantly. I have 10 years worth of material to work with. Thus far my recovery is been all about driving the point home......he IS a narcissist. I was codependent on it. Got it.

Last night's dream reminded me of who I was when I met him. A fun loving, easy going, affectionate person. In the dream, I was in a relationship with a unidentifiable male. I was having so much fun...the old me. I felt the affection and the love. It was not a sexual dream. It set the tone for my day.

Having that dream made me want THAT me back. And I realized that I don't have to rely on HIM (or any one person) in my life to have that back. I have a son, great friends and family. I have great people in my life to share and bestow fun, love and affection on.

If I sit and keep looking at my mind and let things agitate me (rehashing examples of his Narcissism)..it keeps me from evolving forward. I have to learn to drop it when my mind goes there. I have to quit grieving something that didn't stand a chance from day one.

He shook up my life, made me lose control of myself. He was the boss of my brain. I got it. Now what?

The saying goes "You are what you think". Meaning, your emotions are tied to your thoughts. Thoughts control us.

So I have to change my thoughts. I have to stop letting my thoughts work out of habit (thinking about him) and create a new habit for myself (ex: thinking about something along the lines of the dream I had) I have to find a new resting spot for my thoughts.