Day of Reflection

One year ago today, I broke the cycle of emotional abuse. I didn't know what a narcissist was or about this site. I just knew I was sick from crying, not eating, and not sleeping.

I confronted the N that morning about how his silent treatments were killing me. He rushed through the conversation with the promise to call me back. At this very moment, 1 year ago, I sat waiting for that call that never came. How painful it is to remember all the feelings I had: anxiety, despair, lost, inadequate, a failure, not being enough, ugly, unattractive, unwanted, sad, depressed.

It's been a long, hard year. I'm sitting here as the sun goes down feeling a little sad for that person I used to be. So full of trust and the belief that all people are good. Oblivious to these monsters who wreck havoc on the lives of good, caring people...people on this site who don't even know my name, yet come to the rescue time and time again to help ease the pain.

But I've made it. Despite the many nights I prayed to never wake up so the hurt would go away, I'm here and stronger than a year ago.

Today, I had a long forgotten lunch with a firm I paid to evaluate my medical practice. They look at financials, procedures, and patients to determine growth in the business. We sat down and they asked me how I thought my practice was doing. I told them honestly I was probably doing average in comparison to other practices. Their eyes got wide and they smiled as they presented me with a portfolio of how well my practice was doing. How did I do it? How could I possibly have gotten here? Ready to expand and hire more employees?

This was one of the worst years of my life and still, I succeeded with my business. And you know what popped into my head? Fake it till you make it! I got out of bed every day, fixed my hair, got dressed, put on makeup and pushed myself to recover. I didn't lay in bed, whining about how everyone was to blame for my problems. Not me, because I'm not a narcissist.

As I posted the other day, I broke contact last week when the N sent me a card to try to give me my old job back. That would be the job of praising him, helping him with his business, and being there 24/7. I don't want that job anymore. I did it for almost 20 years and I'm done.

It's amazing how your life opens up in ways you never dreamed once you eliminate the toxicity.