I think the true issue lies in the thinking BEFORE the hoover attempt is made.
IF the thinking is solid and focused on recovery and what a PD truly is and what the PD actually has done to DESTROY your life, the end result will be, NOT to answer or respond to the hoovering attempt at all.
I believe that the true problem lie's in the thinking which preceeds the hoover attempt.
These are some of the hurdles which I see the members face consistantly here on the forum:
He really does love me; he just had a bad childhood and has trouble expressing his feelings.
He may not even be a narc, so in my particular case I need to respond, he may have changed.
The sex was the best sex I ever had so even if he is a narc an occasional role in the hay is not going to hurt me, afterall this is the one area where we really do connect and he really does love me.
He does not really love the OW; he loves me. She is a skank or a screw up. I am really the one who has been there for him and afterall he did say that I am the only one who understands him and he is able to love and be completely real with me and comfortable with me.
Maybe it was all me. Maybe I am a bitch. A nag. Crazy. Difficult for him to deal with. Maybe if I change and stop giving him a hard time, he will be different now. Afterall this is what he has been telling me all along that it is my fault. Maybe it is.
He sounds so sorry in his text, email, voicemail, maybe he really does get it and is sorry and things will be better this time.
I have to prove to him that I am better than OW. She does not understand or love him like I do. I need the chance to spend some time with him so that I can show him that he should choose me over the OW.
I have been on the site now for 3 months. I understand about PD's and what is wrong with them. I can do things differently now and make this work.
I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. I love him with all of my heart and I don't care what anyone says, if he wants to see me I am going to see him.
Blah blah blah!!!
If these thoughts change and there is growth and understanding about who and what a PD is, the end result regarding breaking NC will be different.
Narc calls, texts, emails, voicemails, shows up at house:
This man has cheated on me, lied to me, used me, insulted me; I want nothing to do with him; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has hit me, stolen from me, destroyed my property. He is a piece of shit. He has engaged me in sexual perversion which I am ashamed of and he makes me sick. I will not respond to any of this.
This man has hurt my feelings, not been there for me, lied to me, refuses to help me, is a drug addict, a porno freak; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has taken full advantage of my goodness, I have bought him beautiful gifts, made him wonderful meals, given in to all of his sexual demands, and still he does not care about my needs; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has been cruel to my children, violated our marriage vows, treated me like a piece of garbage; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has made a mockery out of anything that is real or good to me, is not the least bit spiritual. I have given up huge pieces of myself to keep him happy; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has destroyed my life, my heart, and my soul, kept me waiting, lied to me, played me as the fool; I will not respond to any of this.
This man has never really been there for me, what is important to me is of no interest to him, and it is all about him; I will not respond to any of this.
Ect, ect, ect....
Once the thinking about who and what he really is CHANGES; then the reactions to the hoovering attempts will change.
Understand it and you will not want it anymore.
Do the work on yourself and you will automatically not respond to any of this.
Read the steps; work the steps; talk to the moderators about the steps.
Move forward in your recovery AND. You will NOT respond to any of this.