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Love EVER again

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#1 Mar 16 - 9PM
NMN
NMN's picture

Love EVER again

I am once again relapsing again today. Everytime I have a truly happy moment I feel like I need to share it with N.

I seriuosly feel so stupid and pathetic now that I regainig my functions again. I feel like I need to learn how to enjoy a moment and stop drifting off into netherworld and start to think of him.

I cannot believe that in spite of all the damage done, I still miss him sooo much. Well the illusion of him. What if he truly loves this girl? I feel pathetic that he just did not stick around for me and went back to this girl. Everyone judges me on falling for someone like him and how I have been 'marked'.

I have been very angry for the past months because everytime I think back of the happy times we had and how I should just think of it like that, I start to get sad again because he is not here.

Now I feel like I am ready to forgive him and myself, I understand the way he works now and I really wish that I knew then, so I would not have made a fool of myself.

I want to do this because I want some good karma out of this and I feel like hating him or his relationship was/is wrong.
I feel dumb for not being more mean and uncompassionate towards him.

But I guess that I sould be happy for him and just let go...

Will anyone ever love me again?

Mar 17 - 12AM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know how you feel

when you say every happy moment you want to share with him. ANd how it doesn't make sense as now the light has shone on him - you know who he truly is. It's like we do have these separate people in our head. I think it is part of the trauma bonding B talks about. If it helps I'm feeling that urge to share things with him less and less and rarely think of that now. You can love again - but I think a break is essential. They screw up our equilibrium so bad and our neuro-chemistry and thinking etc. ALso I think I have needed to deal with childhood issues that left me more vulnerable to someone like my N - and it is good to be addressing those. I've just started my "celibacy", and after the initial weirdness of defining myself as celibate and off the market even if a great seeming guy approached me - I am feeling astonishing relief and happiness I had not anticipated. Good luck I know it is so freaking hard to get those "warm fuzzy, excitement" feelings excised when thinking of the N- which seems like it should just happen once you find out who they are - but the neuronal connections have been made - we need time and deprogramming them to "unmake" or change them now.
Mar 16 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

rache

sorry I have to disagree with you here. Psycho-Boy accused me of being "jealous" because of my 'wounded pride & ego." That's not it. The brainwashing, hypnosis and trance inducting they do to us keeps us trauma bonded long past the point of sanity. NMN you have got to see he is NOT NORMAL and NOT HUMAN and do NOT judge this like it was a normal relationship at all!! You were a target of opportunity for a manipulative predator. Let him go... you deserve better and you know it. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 16 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
rache
rache's picture

I believe

For me personally-its my wounded pride/AND OR, DIGNITY.My ex psychopath began to lie and cheat as soon as the ink dried on the marriage paper.I didnt find out until a month and a half in for definite,although,two weeks in i met his ex wife #3 as he introduced her as the housekeeper.He called my now ex friend/s possibly during first month of marriage for phone sex-i have to state that we didnt have sex until the week of marriage! I have done a lot of soul searching an d i can definitely say,that,i do NOT love the LYING,CHEATING SOB. HOW COULD I after what he's done? I do feel my self esteem took a knock,but,i have awakened and i ~CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW~=LOL,reminds me of that song.So,if,i was hypnotized/brainwahed-the spell is O.V.E.R
Mar 17 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

rache

your pride and good healthy self-esteem is what attracted that old gas bag in the first place... vampire!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 17 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
rache
rache's picture

Barbara((HUGS))to you!

Yes,i know you're right about that.He had said before,that,i am so envious of you(didnt say WHY)....and,he said i KNOW i can live LONGER IF you come down here to me!The old dried up VAMPIRE..The EVIL,VILE,IMMORAL,DEVIATE,REPROBATES.UN-REDEEMABLE...
Mar 16 - 11PM
rache
rache's picture

Its your

wounded pride that keeps you stuck......Get over it and you will get over him.
Mar 16 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NMN

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her is it THAT important to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Learn to be with yourself FIRST. 18 months you have ahead of you is a golden time to work on you and only you. how's therapy going??? ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims