The Narcissists Girlfriend's Story - A Letter to the New Girlfriend

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February 3, 2013 - 2:23pm

Allthewisernow

So glad to know you felt better after reading this. One of the best things about sharing our experiences and thoughts on the forum is that we help one another to see things more clearly, and also relate. No one understands or can support someone better than another who has shared the same type of experience. Our friends and family may care and try to be supportive, but since their comprehension of the situation is limited, so is their ability to offer the right support and advice. We have each shared similar experiences bc a relationship with an NPD contains similar behaviors. Especially at the beginning idolization phase and at the end D&D of us. It feels good to be able to help others here because we really *get it* and know that these relationships are very different and require more time and support on the path to healing ourselves and being happy & strong. :)

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 24, 2013 - 10:51pm

The best writing I have seen

This letter is the best writing I have seen. I felt relieved, sad and embarrassed all at the same time. I felt like it was an old entry in my diary. The accounts of what would occur is eerily close to what is described in the letter. Its almost as if it is a letter that the current me would have wrote to the old me when first getting into the relationship. Some of you have posted comments about horrible it must be to be married with children to a narc and I have to say it is a man made atrocity. I was married for fifteen years to my narc and have two children. It is awful to watch him use them as props and abuse his role as a father to control them. It is disgusting to have deal with them in regards to the children when you have decided to move on. They are like toddlers trapped in adult bodies. I cope by coming not this forum, reading books about his disorder and books on bringing myself back together after being ripped to emotional and financial pieces.....someone made a comment about it not being about how beautiful you are. A narc will use, abuse and cheat on anyone. I can attest to this fact. Many people have stopped me in the street to tell me that I look like Halle Berry. My narc was overweight a great deal of the time we were together and not the most attractive man I've seen but he had a way with words and gave the illusion that he had a genuine heart. Well, needless to say, the honeymoon phases got shorter and shorter until there were none at all. He cheated on me constantly and would tell me how the women he cheated on me with were better than me. I used to take this comment personal but I now realize why he may have felt this way. They were easier to manipulate, had very loose morals and knew very little of his real side. I began to call him out on his tactics. Therefore, I was not good supply. His family initially loved me because I kept him out of their hair. Afterwards, they turned on me because I started stickn up for myself. Reading this letter has made me feel a lot better about ending th relationship. I was starting to think that "crazy" was contagious. Lol

Stay strong and safe

January 24, 2013 - 12:32pm

So true

So perfect!!! It's so true the newbie in the NARC's life is in for a ride...Thanks for posting this.

March 15, 2013 - 1:04am (Reply to #35)

Hello alley777

"It's so true that the newbie in the NARC's life is in for a ride..."

You've got that right girtl! I think most of us go thru the stage of being hurt and upset about the New Girlfriend in our EXN's life...usually they move on quickly or already have someone waiting in the wings...and we wonder if SHE is going to get all the good stuff...and why does he now 'love' HER???

Hope this helps take you thru the cycle and remind you of the reality for what is to come for her...

Each of us here was at one time the 'New Girlfriend'...and one day she will be in OUR shoes...the best we can do for her is wish her well on her own journey and hope she finds her way safely out of it and will have support when she needs it.

And we all know she WILL need help one day when he is done with her. :(

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 20, 2013 - 8:20pm

this is the story of my life

this is the story of my life as well., down to the family backing him up , even lying to cover up his cheating. i have never been involved with a narcissit before. my first husband and i parted on decent terms and we were married 8 years. infidelity and lying was not the issue. he was terminally ill, i offered to take care of him, i loved him so much, but he loved me enough to let me go so i could one day start a family. his illness also caused financial instability. anyhow, met the narc a few months after husband and i seperated. (i know, sounds horrible) but my narc was also seperated from his pscyo bitch crazy alcoholic wife and he hit on me hard, but only as a "friend" in other words he listened to my tale of woe and my heartbreak in my husband being ill. the narc was not my type at all, but i was weak and lonely and soon we became lovers. ironically i thought i was in control of him, it is only 11 years later and several months of LC ( we have a child) that all the pieces came together. bottom line: he targeted me because of my looks, my ethnic background, my outgoing personality. education, etc. i loved this man and we had mutually decided before the4 marriage to have a child together. he had one child already with the so called psycho ex wife. after 7 months of marriage his mom told me about his secret child, never got the whole story,but supposedly his mom didn't like her and threatened to "cut" her son off if he didn't dump her. she was pregnant and was dropped off and discarded at a womens shelter. i kid you not. i found out this part years later. when i confronted him about why he didn't tell me about the other child he said"because then you wouldn't have married me". this man wanted me so bad, you would not believe the money he spent, the time consumed, to see me. i lived 4 hours away. he wanted me to move in with him after we slept together. i really liked him, felt like i loved him but kept putting him off for a year and a half because i felt i was on the rebound( and i was) now, 11 years later and his "dream girl" "soul mate" etc. is 11 years older, has a child that she rarely sees, has no money, no savings ( he made me cash that out ) nothing in my name. im lucky i have a car that is paid for. i trusted him implicity. he even fooled my father, my father is a retired federaland my family and basically "took" all my qualities and left me a shell and a wreck. i have good days mostly, glad to be away from him, but it is hard thinking about how bad i was duped. when i have to see him to do child swap, it is sickening to me. he was cheating the whole time while we were dating and during the marriage. i have never been so deceived in my life. he is textbook narc, once he knew he had me body and soul the devaluing started pretty quick.first 3 years were pretty good, he acted like he was this big family man and all about marriage and family. ignored me and seemed annoyed by my pregnancy. looking back this is precisely when he must have fallen out of love with me, i was now fully conquered, the wild child was domesticated and no longer a challenge even though i waited on him hand and foot, did everything for him. TEXTBOOK NARC. in the end stages the roles are always reversed. in the beginning he is worshipping you, does everything for you, makes you dependent on him,,,, slowly over the years you are doing everything for him. i get so angry sometimes, MAD AT MYSELF for being a dupe. HE FOOLED ME. HE FOOLED MY FAMILY. HE CONTINUES TO FOOL EVERYONE. HE IS A POLICE OFFICER and the most corrupt, hateful, spiteful, monster of a person, pure unadulterated evil. it is like there are two people,, the man i married and the man he became. day and night. i swear to you i never nagged, snooped, i read all the books on how to keep your man happy, cooked and cleaned, DID DID DID. made myself indispensible ( i thought) once he bled me dry emotionally and sabotaged my attempt to get my nursing license ( go back to school) he became a nightmare. it was like he was trying to make me crazy so i would leave, but i stayed until i made a fool of myself. he had already secured my replacment probably a year or two before discard. the betrayal is unbelievable. i know i will never get closure. even if i did, there is no way i could ever be with him again, even if he wanted me, or had a personality transplant. there is just too much pain and hurt. no contact let me finally think clearly. even after 8 months of limited contact i have bad days, especially when i am on my menstrual cycle or having a bad day. thanks for letting me vent.

January 19, 2013 - 6:53pm

this is my story, too. i will

this is my story, too. i will print this and save it. it is long but i read every word and will read it again. i have a list of "ammunition" that i keep folded up inside a copy of 'its all about him" i refer back to my "ammo" when i am having a bad day. i don't miss him anymore, but i miss the "fake" him. and my god, it is so true about the affection part. in the beginning he commeneted on how affectionate i was, i was always kissing and hugging him and holding hands with him, i couldnt stand to not be touching him, in restauratt i would not sit across from him, i always wanted to sit next to him.... needless to say as years went by he was no longer affectionate or it seemed to embarrass him. mind you, i wasn't sticking my tongue down his throat or anything but i honestly believe once they "know" they have got you mind body and soul they start withdrawing and then you spend the rest of the time trying to please them and make them happy so you get crumbs of affection. you know the old wives tale about husband saying they cheated on their wife because their wife got fat or neglected their appearance or some other nonsense? dthat is a big fat lie. i kept up my looks, my sex game, my cooking my cleaning, i literally did everything cosmo taught me when i read that bullshit magazine when i was a teenager. i figured as long as i made him the most important thing in my life, focused on making him happy, looked sexy and perfect all the time, didn't get fat, kept myself looking "perfect" it could prevent him from being unfaithful or a bad husband. NEWS FLASH. a narc is a narc is a narc. if you were overweight they justify by your looks or body, if you want sex they say you are too demanding, they will always want something else which is supply supply supply. thanks for posting this.

January 20, 2013 - 8:32pm (Reply to #32)

EX WIFE/GF ALWAYS PSYCHOS WITH NARCS!

i want to clarify something in my long rant.yes, mhy ex husband told me his ex wife was alcoholic, druggie, pscyho, etc and i believed him. needless to say in 11 years of marriage she never bothered me or him once. also, in 11 years he never visisted his child with her. i tried to facilitate a visit but my husband said she was too much of a psycho.
y
well, now i am the soon to be ex wife and i am sure i am being called a psycho as well, even though i have not facebooked, texted, stalked, called, or harrassed him or the other woman ( i have done it in my mind a million times, i hate him ) but i am working on indifference slowly but surely. my point is, when i think of relationships i have had, usually when one speaks of their ex lover, wife, husband etc. it is not saying they are a psyho. have learned from this blog/ website that is the number one red flag. had i known about this 11 years ago i would have ran.
i sometimes wish his first wive would have warned me about him, but at the same time, lets be real. think backl to the early days when he was being prince charming and perfect. he made you think he was this wonderful guy and his ex wife cheated on him , was a bitch, b lah blah blah. now i know their m.o. he is the psycho.

January 19, 2013 - 2:14pm

Yes Goldie, I Did Write This

... I posted it on my personal blog last year in May. I used a 'nom de plume' I made up in case my EX read it, as he let me know once when he saw a poem I had written about a narcissist (Him) & entitlement called "Here's Lookin' at ME". The name I used as a fake name for this *letter* was 'Dr Analise Torelli', a persona that does not exist. ( omg I've become a Narc too HaHa ) But it was absolutely my own writing. No worries as far as copyrights. You know my real name (emailed you this week) and if you google my full name ( include middle name ) you will find my blog where this is posted. ( can you let me know if you saw it posted somewhere else? )...You can easily see my style of expressing things in the way i write ) I posted the link here on Lisa's website on a thread reply months ago, but for some reason felt like posting the entire post here today. I know it's lengthy. Sorry about that! Saw that so many still hurt and have a hard time with the next OW and thought it might help them see things more clearly. God knows it took me a VERY long time too. :)
Writing this was very cathartic and I'm glad it seems to help others see things more clearly too.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 6:36pm (Reply to #29)

This is GREAT

As you can see, it is my job to protect and address copyright matters for the site, and I have clearly just protected yours. I thought you may have been the original author, I just was not sure, and now we know.

This is an AWESOME piece of work and we are privledged to have it here. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

A great and comprehensive read for all of our members.

xoxoxo,
God bless,
Goldie

January 21, 2013 - 12:48am (Reply to #30)

Dear Goldie :)

Dear Goldie,
Thank you for the compliment. Coming from YOU, a Mod who wears many hats and has written many wonderful & enlightening articles and posts...it is high praise indeed! :)

<> xoxo

The Narcissists EX Girlfriend :)

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 1:41pm

Did you write this letter?

Hi, did you write this letter?

I found it on another website. If it was not you who wrote it, you are expected to provide a link to where it was found and an author.

Also, works from other sites go in our FAVORITES section.

Please provide proper citations here.

Thank you,
Goldie

January 19, 2013 - 2:20pm (Reply to #26)

Goldie *See reply above

Yes. I actually wrote every word. Sorry it's sooo long! :)

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 6:38pm (Reply to #27)

No worries about that

Sometimes a piece needs to be long, to fully describe the life with a Narc.

Thanks for sharing.

God bless,
Goldie

January 19, 2013 - 1:21pm

Excellent Description - a Must Read!

I just wanted to comment to first of all congratulte you for an excellent letter. Yes, you want to warn the world about them, and wish you had been warned, and if you were, would have heeded the warning. But you can't really do that because of the social programing of the Special Princess Fairytale and Prince Charming that is so pervasive and destructive in our culture. Until that bunch of hogwash is effectively quelched, we will always have a generation of upcoming "special" princesses standing in line waiting for these "princes". Sad, but true.
Second, I wanted to tell you and some of those that commented earlier, I had a N father and a 20 year marriage with an N, and I had never heard of the disorder and had no way of knowing they could never change. In addition, there are varying degrees of being warped, not all N's are exactly alike. Some are worse than others. I finally found out what the disorder was about after years of searching for a "cure", wondering if I was at fault, or trying to seek reasons they did the things they did. I was entering the transformation period from Dr J to Mr H in my last relationship when I finally learned what a N was, and that they would never change. That was the most liberating day of my life. I could breathe, and and more important, I could LEAVE. Although I was not perfect, I was not causing the disorder, and N's never change. I did have many of my own issues to address, because of the way I was raised, but I can be "cured". I want to change for the better, he thinks there is no one any better than he is!
The third thing is that you didn't see the last stages of the life of the N. That is when karma catches up with him and starts kicking him. Since I was older when we met, and he was older than I was, I started seeing how time takes away his looks and his charm, abuse of porn, excessive masturbation, and depraved sexual practices leave him with ED and and rob him of the ability to enjoy a real sexual relationship with a live woman. The last time I saw my (Please God, Thank you God) last N, his face was sunken in from not wearing his false teeth, his hair was thinning, he was wrinkled, and he had a persistent cough (probably from years and years of smoking). He is still on dating sites, chatting up potential playmates with talk of his sincere desire to be with "one good woman, only" and bragging about what good shape he is in because he was a "former athlete". I bet that little ED problem comes as quite a surprise to his new conquest when she thinks they are approaching the goal line! But although I feel sorry for his future victims, I feel that each of us has to take responsibility for our part in this dance. We have to be more realistic, and discriminating. We have to set boundaries, and uphold them. We have to quit looking for and believing in Prince Charming. Good men are out there somewhere, but they won't pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. We have to help each other instead of believe the worst about each other, as women. We can try to educate others, we can welcome the walking wounded into the fold when we encounter them.

Meanwhile the N's will slither along until they finally die. They will never be happy, or satisfied. No one is good enough for them, nothing is wonderful enough for them. They will live their lives grasping for the golden ring, but never quite touching it. That is their karma.

January 19, 2013 - 3:33pm (Reply to #24)

Portia, You are SO Right

Portia,

You are SO right about how our culture influences us early on to believe in the Fairy Tale of some Prince Charming coming to love us and make us a Princess one day...

Its possible that those of us who have lived with these patterns of abuse since childhood actually cling to the Fairy Tale even more... to give us hope that there IS real love in the world...something to make us feel better when we are being abused by someone, especially as a child. Many of us have had parents (in my case my mother) who were raging narcissists...so this behavior seemed normal in our interpersonal relationships. I know as a little girl I would play 'Princess' and dream of a real Prince who would love and cherish me one day...in the way that my mother didn't. Unfortunately, predators know the Fairy Tale too and use it to their advantage on previously abused and made vulnerable women just like us. A woman who has NOT been abused will usually recognize that something is wrong much sooner and leave sooner than we were able to. To us...how we are 'loved' by HIM is somehow familiar, and it has more to do with our being previously abused than a Fairy Tale we were taught as children....

It is also because the way the Narcissists in our life treats us is similar to how we were loved by our disordered parent(s) and the patterning of this behavior was set up early on since we were little and innocent and not responsible for how we leaned to cope with it. Healing THAT is the link to healing ourselves.

Sometimes I think the ONE...and only ONE...good thing to come of the relationshit with my EXN...was to survive and heal and restore my life to being even better...and never make this mistake again...know the 'Red Flags',...& I have had to look at MYSELF...something we ALL know can be a very painful process of self examination...but it has been VERY freeing too! It has helped me recognize that I have actually surrounded myself with narcissists...people who use or abuse or are opportunists (and to get them out of my life now and make better choices for friends).

Since I was a child, I had been well trained to give and please everyone. When I grew up I spent alot of time trying to perfect the tradecraft of "people pleasing" (as my Mom demanded this of me constantly..and I was very compliant in order to avoid her criticisms and abuse)...but I did not have a clue about what would make me happy. Im only just now learning that it is okay for ME to have needs and desires of my own...and not feel like I am selfish for fulfilling them.

What is also really hard to sort thru is that NOT all people who are *charming*...are bad or NPD or predators...and NOT all people who seem wonderful...are good either. Being with an NPD makes that even harder to figure out. And THAT is made even worse if we have been previously abused by someone we love.(cognitive dissonance is painful!)

But the most important thing I have learned during this long journey to heal...was finally getting to the understanding that it is OK and healthy for MY life to be "All about ME" every now and then too, and I do NOT have to accept abuse from anyone...and I don't have to spend every waking hour trying to meet THEIR needs...to be loved.

I AM loved. And it begins with me.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 12:10pm

Favourites

This should be placed in the favourites section!!! What a wonderfully, insightful and dignified post you have given us which precisely documents the process of the narc's cycle of abuse. Painfully applicable to almost every person on this site, your narrative depicts a sadly profound but incredibly intelligent account of the narcs stages of idealisation, devalue and discard. You have also encorporated the bewildering family enablement and smear campaigning that so devastatingly affects us all and, especially for me, have put into words all the things I have thought and felt myself but was unable to relate so eloquently. Thank you so much for this post. If this was a paper, I would give it a A++++++ .

January 19, 2013 - 3:42pm (Reply to #22)

Thank You for the A+++ Rating :)

Dear Redrho70 Girlie! You KNOW we all share such similar stories. I think each of us have read each others stories and thought we might all know the SAME man...HAHA :)

I'm glad this was helpful to others. What I don't understand is that they haven't really made a SPECIFIC movie depicting a relationship with a guy who is a classic Narcissist who does all these similar things...it would go a long way in helping people see the patterns and Red Flags as they view THIS *Un-Fairy Tale Love Story unfold on screen...

I know MY EXN would make the perfect leading man for the role!! :)

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 11:23am

I sent this

I sent something similar to the new OW. And a book about being involved with an N (I was in the middle of the crazies we go thru after the discard when we learn there's a name for what we went thru). I had back surgery and came home that night to a phone call from the police where they live asking me not to contact her any more. And I know the N was involved in that because the policeman obviously got my phone number and read me my address and where would he get that?

They live about 1500 miles from me I should add.

So, no, they don't listen. I added fuel to the fire that I am crazy in his stories I am sure. Like he told me about his ex wife (the restraining order by her also like someone else mentioned here). She happens to have gone to high school with me so I am looking forward to discussing with her at the reunion this summer.

At least I know the new OW will always have some thought in the back of her mind about how he is since I sent her a copy of his Adult Friend Finder profile and that did disappear a week or so after and he had had that up the whole time we were together I found out.

January 24, 2013 - 7:19pm (Reply to #19)

god, i remember the "crazies"

god, i remember the "crazies" too when you first realize there is a name for what has happened. it induced a mania in me that to this day is unsurpassed, i literally was up for 48 hours replaying it over and over, and it all clicked but was so mind altering, it was like the that movie the matrix! i bookemarked this letter and read it from time to time. it helps me realize that we all were the other woman at one time or another, may of us just didn't know it yet, whether we were the last girlfriend, current or ex wife, whatever... narcs are just horrible and i am so glad i am now aware. once you have awareness, you may miss the mirage, but i know deep in my heart and soul i could never ever be back with him, the betrayal and violence and lies are too deep. no contact does bring clarity and soon he becomes a ghost ,,,,

January 24, 2013 - 10:41pm (Reply to #20)

I so wish I had know about this site a few years ago

I like you thought I'm losing my mind. I literaly thought I was. I could not understand what went down. What nutcase professes his love to you on 2nd date, then tells you he is gonna marry you within the next. Then two years later he has met someone else (of course he swore he had not) he needed a new supply because I was catching onto him questioning him about things, wasn't worshiping him anymore. Hell he wore me out with all that, lol. But after the first few months things with him were sketchy I felt it knew it but love is blind. Of coures there was someone else which had a drinking problem so she was in no shape to give him the supply he needed so he comes back begging, think that's called Hovering. He drove me nuts for 9 months to get back with him so we could get married. I did, stupid me married him and found out he had started seeing someone else right after giving me a ring. so yeah, you are right there are always other woman because they need a constant supply to worship them. These people are sick and I'm so thankful for this site it has answered so many questions that went through my head for a very long time. I finally was able to admit to myself no, this man did not love me what we had was someone sick and it has helped me finally completely heal. He really had my head and heart screwed up for a long time. THANK YOU so much for all of you being here. You are all a Godsend.

January 19, 2013 - 4:22pm (Reply to #17)

Sorry I didn't post this for YOU Sooner Wildangel

Eventually the OW might come looking to his past EX's for answers when things start to unravel...and things WILL eventually unravel...all in good time :)

I know that when I first caught mine cheating...caught him in some huge lies about his past hx of DM & violent behavior...I re-examined his stories that his EX-Wife and his EXGF were 'horrible abusive psycho's' who wrecked his life and broke his heart and took everything from him...I actually called his EX-Wife from the Women's Shelter I was in to find out the extent of his hx of abuse...and she cried bc she had hoped he would not do it to me...and she felt badly that she hadn't felt she could warn me bc she thought I might tell him and she was still afraid of him...and his family. She and I became friends and gave each other much support after that...and she is still a loyal (though now very distant) friend and supporter. I looked up his EXGF and called her one day...and she sure cleared up some things immediately. She said they only dated 9 months (not the 4 years that he told me) and that they had never lived together... (he told me she had lived with him and paid HER share of the rent and contributed to all the bills too and he expected ME to do so...and I so I did...what a LIAR he is!) He also beat HER...and did all the same things too...she was able to leave BC she had 3 brothers who made him back off and leave her alone. Found out all his stories about his EX's were not even close to being true!

Anyway, I figured his latest OW would eventually be in the same predicament...and might try to look me up on the internet...thus my blog under my real name...where I posted this letter for HER (under an assumed one)...

:)

I think it is part of the process to wish someone had told us and that we should warn the New OW...but as you found out...these guys will go to great lengths to destroy someone who might try to reveal their true nature, especially to their next victim...My EXN can be very violent and vindictive. I wanted to try to prevent another woman from being hurt and damaged by him too, just like you did...and it was cathartic to write this...for myself...and for all my sisters here...and the OW to come later...after our EX's get done with them too.

We cannot be responsible for the New GF though...and all the ones to come after her...

Most all of us here are empathic givers, unselfish caretakers, nurturers, lovers and pleasers of others. We have been made to feel responsible for everyone else to get love and avoid abuse...in the end, we must learn to take care of OURSELVES and find what makes us grow and be happy.

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 5:11pm (Reply to #18)

Thank You - The N's Girlfriend

Thanks for the reply and the letter.

After I talked to the officer and sort of explained that I was in the middle of an emotional meltdown and would not contact her again (nothing left to say to her anyway) I composed my thoughts and wrote him a letter explaining myself, NPD and why I tried to do what I did in warning her. He sounded nice and they live in a small town and my thought was that maybe he was a friend or client of hers since she went to him.

Maybe he will have it in his mind and keep an eye out for her. I told him about his rages, that he has (legal) guns, gave him the ex-wife's name and told him about the restraining order (he should be able to look that up) and about the N having to take anger management classes from two employers because he threatened to kill people at work.

In my fantasies the cop got the letter and maybe paid a visit to the N and just said "I got my eye on you".

As far as the ex-wife...we were friends in high school and I kind of introduced them even though I liked him. 30 years later he and I got together and he came to my last reunion with me and she was there. We ignored her and now I feel bad about that. I haven't decided on contacting her before the reunion but if I do go I will definitely apologize profusely to her.

January 19, 2013 - 11:10am

Love this

Love it. All I can say.

January 19, 2013 - 4:27pm (Reply to #15)

Hugs to YOU talktothehand

Love your forum name

...and enjoy reading your posts and see that you are healing too. Stay NC girl!

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 11:02am

WOW

What an amazing letter... it lifted my spirits and assured me that Im not so crazy after all. Every single point in this letter is EXACTLY the experience that I had, and in the beginning I would have not listened either.

Thank you SO much for sharing !!!

Val

January 19, 2013 - 4:32pm (Reply to #13)

Valentine

So glad it helped lift your spirits today. The most amazing thing about this forum is how we ALL...each in our own way...help one another learn & heal as we post our personal thoughts, experiences and sudden 'AHA moments'...with the guidance of the MODS...and move forward on our journey...at various rates of speed...together.

Stay NC Sister! :)

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 10:47am

Great letter! But God knows I

Great letter!

But God knows I did not listen to the warnings that all the coworkers and family & friends of the exN that I dated 15 years ago.

He too had a CRAZY ex wife, she was apparently soooo crazy that SHE had a restraining order filed against him. This I found out later as once the 'charming' prince started to lose his edge.

I think it's one of those things where you have to see it to believe it. Reading your letter now I wonder if I had received that letter if I would have reacted differently. Probably not. He had me under a spell and I wanted to truly believe that he was my prince and that everyone else was wrong.

It wasn't until the prince turned into a toad that we start to see and think clearly. We all start living the REAL HELL where we think back in retrospect and say hmmm, that wife probably isn't as crazy as he makes her out to be, or that ex girlfriend isn't a PSYCHO, jealous ex after my man.

To each their own. I guess not everyone can be saved.

All I can say is that everyone on this forum, me included, is REALLY REALLY lucky that we saw the light and got out of the nightmare relationships with these people. Amen to that.

I often wonder about the people that stuck around for years and years with the Narcissist, married to them, with children. It must be a horrible existence. How do they cope? Do they just say they're sticking it out for the kids? How do they hide their sadness from their family members and friends? I can only imagine how eroded one's self worth must be after spending entire marriages with these people, so kudos to all those who had the insight and courage to finally get out, that takes a lot of strength.

Just one more Q. though, out of curiosity, would you have listened to your letter if the ex girlfriend had sent it to you?

January 19, 2013 - 5:11pm (Reply to #9)

Would I have Listened if Someone had Warned ME?

WOW! Unbreakable! That IS a very good question. Like most all of our EX's...mine was incredible, impeccable and charming and poured the lovin on SO thick, I was virtually swooning under his spell.

I would have listened if someone had shown me evidence of his arrest records for DM, Road Rage, threats & violent assault and restraining orders. I think I might have listened...at least had my eyes more open to look for signs of it...if someone had warned me that he was a cheater. I find that when someone says this about a man...it is most often true. It would have stopped me cold and I would have definately left him immediately if I had been warned about his violence. I only found out about those things nearly 2 years into the relationship when I was living with him. There were no signs that he could EVER...and I mean EVER...be violent for well over a year (he perfected hiding the Red Flags, but I DO recognize some of them in hindsight)...so when he began to morph into his true Mr. Hyde personality, I fell into the pattern of 'pleasing' and trying to work harder to make things right for him. to make him 'love me' and to avoid abuse. I was the juciest little piece of supply he had ever had up to that point...probably why he would not let me go...even traveled over 3,000 miles to another country to see me and 'bring me back 'home' with him.

I think the ones who stick with it for years get stuck in the patterns...and have a harder time getting away bc their Narcs take every shred of confidence and dignity...and stability from them the longer they stay. I can only imagine a life married to one and sharing children. So difficult!

So glad everyone is HERE! All of you Sisters, the Mods...this entire forum...is a lifeline to each of us in so many ways.

xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 21, 2013 - 10:53am (Reply to #11)

The Narcissists Girlfriend

I was contacted by the OW and thankfully, I did listen and I did heed her warning. Although I had ignored a million red flags, there was always a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that something was so very wrong. Something so very wrong with the psychopath, but something so very wrong with me that I ever took his hand in the first place. I breached my own values and morality and I could no longer deny, what I have since learned on my path forward, was the repression of abuse by my father, a malignant narcissist. This was not easy to figure out and took a lot of work and introspection but ultimately, was the best thing I ever did for myself. 

I had no idea of what outcome ahead would be, for me or my marriage, but I knew the time had come for me to face my demons and take responsibility for my actions. I have no idea where I would be today if it weren't for that phone call, but I am grateful that I was given the chance to regain my life.

Please know, I am not in anyway condoning contacting the OW. I think my story is one of exception. My point is I was ready to learn some very difficult and hard truths, which in turn, brought me to the great place I am today.

 I think the Narcissists Girlfriend letter should be used as a motivator to look deeper into ourselves, take charge of ourselves and most importantly, to stay true to ourselves! We are all the OW and we can all be free to live happy and fulfilling lives. We all have that choice. Please take it!

Stay true to you!
Janie

January 20, 2013 - 10:17pm (Reply to #10)

yes! i did this, pleasing

yes! i did this, pleasing him, etc. mine didn't come violent until i was pregnant. left him that night, stupidly came back. in the old days i would have punched or fought back, but i was pregnant. my narc never left marks or bruises, he was good at shovingm, pushingm thrwoing things at me. and i never "talked back" all i did was try and please him. his tv shows, his movies, his stupid friends, his job, his life, his fmaily. come to think of it, i was always asking him about himself, after he "won" me over and i married him i spent all my time trying to be the perfect wife. he really didn;t give a damn about me as a person. one time i got angry with hinm and wrote iin email...."I AM A HUMAN BEING, DAMMIT. YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT. communicATION became virtually nothing now that i think about it. i was nobody to him. just someone to look pretty on his arm, impress his stupid friends, deal with his nightmare of a mother and various leeching family members, his brother and sister, age 27 and 31 have never worked a day in their lives. their mother still pays their bills as they"go to school" which they never seem to finish or they switch up their programs. now the sister just had a baby. ill never forget she told me she doesnt care if it does not work out with the baby daddy as "I will still get a child support check". can you believe this person was my "friend" his parents have lots of money, but he is from a different father and doesn't get the stuff his siblings do, and he is jealous. but he gets stuff. it is all about obtaining stuff for themselves. i am glad to be out of that nutty familyu. they were turning me into a psychopath. think of every crazy spanish soap opera ( telenovella ) drama and you have his family life. blackmail, forgery, theft, drugs, insider trading, real estate and insurance fraud, malpractice lawsuits ( and that is just his family) i was so nice to this family but i look back now and see how low I had sunk, tolerating the blatant disrespect shown to be even while me and him were together. sickening!

January 19, 2013 - 9:34am

Absolutely Brilliant

I was having the WORST weekend, as he is moving in with OW right now and I can't stop thinking about what he's giving her that he couldn't give to me or treat me, (10 years of nothing, biut a beautiful baby girk out of it)... I should be sending her this, but I never will, I'm the Psycho-Ex right?

My ex-Narc is exactly like this, he did all of this to me and my son for years, and I wish somebody had sent this to me 10 years ago!!!!!!

After a tearful phone call to my Mom about how I feel today, and her shouting at me, I turned to this site and found this. You must have been reading my mind.

Feel better, but still crying tears because it opened up what he really is.......

Many thanks, I might just have to read it again tomor x

January 19, 2013 - 5:32pm (Reply to #7)

Oh! Sucked-in!

So sorry you are right in the midst of this situation. Glad this letter helped you feel more grounded and have a clearer perspective of things. I still reread it sometimes as it does help to keep me strong too...remembering what he is REALLY like...

We tend to fill in the blanks and imagine all sorts of things when our EXN's move on to their next victim. We remember the 'happy times' and feel hurt that he might be sharing that with someone else...but YOU were once in her shoes...and his EX before YOU was feeling like you did today...

...and someday this new OW he is moving in with will be feeling exactly as you do today when he is with his next victim after HER...and so it goes...

It is a process, and a painful journey...all of this. Everyone here has felt these things too...

Time DOES heal, and gives us greater understanding of ourselves. You may not believe this right now...because I didn't either...but one day...you just might be happier than you could ever imagine...and the only way that could happen is without a lying, cheating abusing selfish narcissist in your life!

Pray for her, and wish her clarity to see thru him sooner and that she has the courage to leave him before she is damaged too much. Now that she is making the unfortunate decision to move in with your EXN, (thinking she's getting a Prince...and destined to wake up one day and realize what a complete TOAD he IS!!!) maybe one day she might just be lucky enough to find her way here to this forum. God knows by the time he gets done with her next...she will need alot of information and support too.:(

Big hugs

The Narcissists Girlfriend

January 19, 2013 - 8:51am

I am speechless!!!

I have read all that with my jaw on the floor.

I have bookmarked it.

I don't ever, ever need to read anything else ever again about this disorder.

My heart is still pounding.

You have written my life story.

I'll come back and thank you when I have composed myself...

January 19, 2013 - 9:01am (Reply to #2)

Thank you

There IS a cure for cog diss. And you are it.

You are amazing.

xoxox

January 19, 2013 - 5:49pm (Reply to #3)

Hey! Losing the battle!

I am SO glad it helped you to see this in writing. It's amazing how a theme of similarity runs through each of our stories. I know it has personally helped me to read the posts of everyone here. Everyone's stories touch me in places too. This forum is kinda like a Sisterhood.

BTW, I can't wait to see that one day you have changed your forum name to **WINNING the battle'!!!! YOU have already won half of it by getting away from your Narc and finding your way here for info & support.:)

And don't stop with this post. Read everything you can! There's a whole lot for you to know and share too!

xoxo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

March 11, 2013 - 12:23am (Reply to #4)

thanks

New to this site. The site has been so helpful as I just found out exn has a new girl. I could have wtitten that letter myself. I was weeping as I had no idea that there are other women that have gone through the same thing. I didnt experience violence just verbal abuse. But your letter was what happened to me. Thank you , now I know I am not crazy. I too will pray for the OW. She is going to need it. I have to keep repeating to myself contact = pain. That is helping with NC.

March 15, 2013 - 1:10am (Reply to #5)

Welcome to 'The Path Forward' Roxy1

I am glad this helped you see the reality of what is in store for the new GF. Remember once that YOU were in her shoes...and some day she will be in YOURS when he is thru with her.

So sorry you had the unfortunate experience of having a relationship with a narcissist, as all of us here have had. You will find so much helpful information and support here. Keep reading, stick close when you need us and take care of YOU.

Hugs xo

The Narcissists Girlfriend

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