Not Being Believed

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#1 Mar 13 - 12PM
seancunningham
seancunningham's picture

Not Being Believed

I've told two close people about my experience, and I don't think I was believed. One told me it sounded like a Lifetime movie. The other said I misinterpreted. In view of this, I've decided to keep it to myself. It does sound like it's too incredible to be true. I know I didn't imagine it. This website has been proof that N was a textbook case. Why are people so quick to disbelieve?

At first I thought my N was a serial dater, or perhaps emotionally unavailable. But after reading all of the facts, he fits the N description to a T. The 2nd person I told said: "you always have to put up with something" I don't buy that. That's a crock. We shouldn't have to. Yes, everyone comes with a little bit of baggage....in this case, I didn't expect so much!!

I just hope that this experience doesn't mar my attitude towards relationships in general. My trust factor is now very low. It will take me a long time to trust again. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm now aware of what's BS and to stay away from people that try to pull it. Another good thing.

If we don't learn from past experience, we're doomed to repeat it.

Mar 15 - 3AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

being believed

i have always said this, and always will. what it comes down to is, no one wants to believe in the BOOGEYMAN, not until he BOOGEYMAN comes after them.
Mar 15 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
rache
rache's picture

Boogyman

I was Sleeping with! AND,i knew it when i would wake up to him starring down at me in the very early hours of the morning!He would want ME to always go to sleep BEFORE him-i guess so he could get on phone/internet to MAKE A MOCKERY out of a honeymoon(newly married)period.I HATE Him-because-i have never met anyone so damn cruel/vile/disgustingly evil-devil.
Mar 15 - 6AM (Reply to #17)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

believed

My experience: I got so tired of feeling like an alien when I talked to a couple of people about it. There's really one one person I can still talk to, and she remains inquisitive and supportive. For me, it's not people not believing what I'm telling them as much as them not wanting to know about it...and this is within my own family. But it's always been that way with several of my siblings...they don't want to deal with unpleasant topics, particularly two sisters who are 'new age' and think that if I just was more positive, the universe would respond. My thoughts attract what happens to me. WOW, if that were the case, I think I'd be much better off? lol Their compassion truly was tested with my experience, and they didn't do so great. It's exhausting trying to get people on board, so I mostly just keep it to myself. Unfortunatley, nobody really wants to hear it. But there are people who are paid to listen, as in therapists ~ thank goodness for that!
Mar 14 - 12PM
seancunningham
seancunningham's picture

The Term Narcissism

I've noticed that when I say the word NARCISSISM, people just think it's someone who loves themself. They don't understand the pathology of it. It took me awhile to research and comprehend what I was dealing with. I don't believe it's a learned behaviour. I think it's a definite brain malfunction. If so, how could the traits all be the same? Most of us are relating the same stories. How could someone learn to be cunning and cruel? I believe it's in the wiring. I have my degree in psych, in all of my teachings this was never touched upon. It both repels and fascinates me. In a way, I'm becoming obsessed. Look at the forums, most of the stories are basically the same with minor deviation. Could it be a defense mechanism from past abuse or trauma? Could it be linked to alcoholism in the parents? Is it congenital? What are your thoughts?
Mar 14 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
janetc
janetc's picture

narcissism roots

I am an RN and had a ton of psych classes too, and I am fascinated by this as well Sean. Have you seen Sandra's new edition of "Women who Love Psychopaths?" There is a chapter in there with research (although the research has been performed on prisoners, so it is on the ones who are violent or criminal). The research shows definite abnormalities in many different parts of the brain. It is fascinating, but it scares me to death that my daughters may have inherited some of it. I actually think that nature AND nurture contribute. I think they are hard wired, making it impossible to change, but I do believe early influences can help, but that is obviously just an opinion. Two of my daughters showed some similar symptoms early on (and as I have said in other posts, my N was gone and I did 95% of the child rearing, now I am thankful, he had minimal impact). I spent a LOT of time with them with developing social awareness, empathy, etc. I had 3 in 3-1/2 years, so there was lots of role playing trying to show them how the other one felt. One is still suffering from substance abuse, depression, low self esteem, but I do NOT believe she has narcissism. The other 2 are highly functional and loving. My N was adopted, but his adoptive parents were alcoholic, and his adoptive mom was definitely an N. He had behavioral problems right off the bat, and I just NOW learned he acted out physically, destroyed things, hurt their dog (they kept this a secret) and he was sent to military school in 4th grade, where he stayed until 11th grade! So he had the double whammy of nature AND nurture. He learned to control his anger and mask it in military school, but it did NOT go away believe me! I was in a phone support group also, and our stories were all identical with only details being different, it was amazing, in reference to what you said above. And I agree when speaking to others, they do NOT understand narcissism other than to think the person has a strong ego and loves themself too much. Personally, I have started saying "pathological narcissism" to emphasize the pathological nature. Don't know if this helps or not but I have been obsessed as well, having been a victim all these years. I am reading everything I can get my hands on!

Janet

Mar 14 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

WWLP2

I'm waiting to get the discount on the new WWLP so I can pass that along to all the members here. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 14 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
rache
rache's picture

NONE of above

I'll tell you what,i,think....My dad was an alcoholic/psychopath.My uncle an alcoholic/narcissist,mother a narcissist.Grandfather an alcoholic til 50.I was abused every day of my life emotionally/and or,physically.I am not a narc.I believe a narcissist/psychopath just gives themselves over to sin and doesn't care.A ~REPROBATE~.I definitely believe it is a soul sickness that eventually leads to a souls destruction.A ~CHOICE~that the person makes and sticks with,regardless,of consequences.A WILLFUL choice to do wrong.
Mar 14 - 12PM
annamarie
annamarie's picture

Some people just do not understand Narcissism

I found out some people do not understand narcissism for several reason. First of all they never dealt with one. Because if you have dealt with a narcissist in any way you understand when someone talks about it even if you can't label it. Second, they are not educated in the area of personality disorders. However, once I started to educate my self regarding narcissism everything started to make sense from my childhood to now. And third,some people are in denial and refuse to see it for what it is even after you explain what the truth is. So I think its a combination of being uneducated and denial. So I learned I can only speak to certain people about it and if they don't understand it I just don't waste my time. However, I found a few close friends that dealt with the evil behind narcissism or just know it does exist. They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

Mar 14 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

coming around on their own

we have well over 1000 members here now... some have moved on, gotten better, are in therapy... etc. but MANY just don't want to hear it or aren't ready to hear it. "He can't be THAT bad" or "Well he only has 4 of the 8 traits" or "is he really a Narcissist?" They just don't want to believe someone is sooooo sick & pathological that they can't be helped. Or they're afraid of being alone... not part of a couple - and they tell themselves "a lot of guys are like this." I have BTDT... many times. It's always best to let someone come around to it on their own. It's scary to know there are sooooo many predators around of one sort and degree or another. One in FOUR is the current estimate. You can't force people to believe you. I just say, "that's what it is. I am not going to debate with you. Either you get it or you don't." Sometimes I give them Lisa's book or the URL to this site. We can only put the information out there - it's up to them to take it. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 13 - 12PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

All Baggage Is Not Created Equal

Yes good point, people vary WIDELY in how dysfunctional they are. Nobody's perfect, but some folks are definitely WAY MORE f*cked up than others, no doubt about that! The tricky part is waiting for their mask to slip to see the dysfunction and/or the time it takes to really get a feel for how much baggage they have. And we are not put on this earth to fix others. Just simply move on (or escape if applicable), - and be all the wiser when dating the next candidate!
Mar 13 - 12PM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's a huge problem

I totally get it. I'm sure hardly anyone would believe my story (haven't met a person who doesn't say how great the N is - the "bee's knees") and my N has the power in society to crush me like a bug so I am NOT going public, even with friends (only one close friend and my therapist know), with my story. Read Narcnarc's thread on "who am i" - talk about not being believed- and in her case (and others here) SUCH dire consequences. I really see this as a huge societal issue (as I know must have been discussed here a lot). There needs to be MASSIVE general education on Narcissism in all its sickly permutations. Simple word of mouth is not enough - and I realize how long it took me to "get it" about these predators - I can't imagine someone casually getting it - only facets (like ya the guy is arrogant)- but not the depth of the pathology. SO glad you escaped yours quickly. RaRa!
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I definitely believe in the education

We usually don't get psychology classes that detail the personality disorders,,I think the specific distorder should definitely be brought out in education,,not to cause paranoia, but education.
Mar 13 - 12PM
rache
rache's picture

LIFETIME movie

Sean,fact, is stranger than fiction.Its time these ~FREAKS~=the Narcissist,sociopaths/psychopaths of society are ~OUTED~they prey on the innocent,kind,caring,loving,and,they ARE MONSTERS!
Mar 13 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

opportunity

I've seen it as an opportunity to educate people about pathology. Some get it then... most don't. I usually drop the latter... don't need these sorts of 'magical thinkers' in my life ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 14 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

A non believer

I have told a few close friends about my realization that he was a narcissist and possible psycho. One of my friends really refused to believe me. At first I was offended, but I just decided to drop it with her. I realized that she was also hurt by jerks and that it was bringing up hurt feelings on her part. She's not very analytical and I don't want to be in a position where I'm debating this issue with her. You know? It's bad enough that I've gone through the hurt from the narc. I felt so much better after connecting the dots and joining this site. I've put myself on the road of self-reflection and it is a tough road to take. The narc's avoid mirrors - - through this experience and learning what I've learned, I realized I have been avoiding mirrors as well. At least I'm capable of looking at one so I can "make a change." I realized she's trying to make me feel like what I'm doing is silly when really, deep down, I think it's just because she's afraid to go there herself. It has to come from within her. Bringing this up with people who aren't at that point in their lives, well, I think they personalize your issues and debating it is a pointless distraction from your own healing.
Mar 15 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
rache
rache's picture

My now (EX)friends

who he seduced in to phone sex would say-kif he was so bad why do YOU want him??WTF!
Mar 15 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude...

i completely understand where you're coming from! when the psychonarc tried to murder me in my driveway and i called my brother, his reply was 'don't tell me these things, they upset me!'.WTF? don't get me started on the magical thinkers.if the universe was responding to anything..i think it would respond by opening up and sucking Narcs and Psychos into the void, don't you?. people who ignore the truth is what drives victims into the dark corners, while the Narcs and Psychopaths walk in the bright daylight. i have hammered several people with the cold hard truth. to have them look at me in horror, but later come back and say. 'well you were right..i've met one'... frankly i'm tired of feeling like the elephant man, while the psychonarc strolls free. i completely understnad where you're coming from...we are thrown under the bus. for the comfort of those who throw us under it.
Mar 15 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks narcnarc

I'm so glad to receive this validation from you! Thanks! Especially from someone who knows the horrors first hand all too well. That makes me sick that your own brother was that selfish and cruel. Well, it makes me sick that my siblings are similar! For the crap that happens to them, I'm very tempted to say, "well, what are YOU putting out into the universe to cause this to happen to you", huuuuh?? But I'm not that mean-spirited, nor do I believe it...and I won't participate in tit-for-tat as my exN often did with me. I had two of them over to my house a couple of months back ~ they were discussing that crap, and fawning all over each other because they really 'get' it. I just kind of sat there, feeling like a fool for being the dummy in the room held back by 'negative thoughts'! I do love my sisters when it comes down to it, but they're so...blind. And I agree, if the 'universe' were that smart, the N's, S's, and P's of the world should be sucked into a huge black-hole!