progress with me

I am getting better at trusting myself and my fears subsiding and confidence growing.I am making progress in sharing my thoughts without as much fear.I reserve the right to grow more everyday.

With each new relationship, whether friendships or dating.. I learn something. Two things are really standing out. I find that there are more N's out there than I ever imagined. Also, I am finding out about me. I've learned that my true needs are surfacing,slowly,and my conditioned needs are dissipating.
I lean towards fantasy up front but am more quickly allowing it to burst and move on.

I am working on being vulnerable and ok with the "mistakes" and trying to learn from them.

Screw the perfection bar that was set for me. In reality, the bar was that of a disordered person(s) and why in the HECK would I want to keep that standard?

I DO NOT WANT TO BE PERFECT for a DISORDERED person! YIKES

Boundaries are hardest for me when spoken and finding the words is a trial for me. I am getting better at it.

I am less afraid of being played... it is NOT a reflection of me. I do the best I can with what I have learned at the time and I feel no shame. Shame on THEM for being so evil!

I reserve the right to change my mind about any one at any time.

I am a little weird right now... almost feeling like there are 2 people in charge within me..I am supporting the transition.

I have found that I have a draw towards a challenge.. I have always been rising to the challenges in my life(conditoning) It never occurred to me that i may be choosing a mate or a friend with this same draw. Possibly I or my body/brain is addicted to the adrenaline ..my comfort from my childhood? I wonder about the FIX I may get and then the withdrawals. NC is imperative for me to find out.

I am trying to lean towards the HIGH of caring for myself and the HIGH of gratitude... and peace. It is a much healthier body chemical. A drug of a different kind.I am trading in the (conditioned) feelings of guilt, shame and selfishness of meeting my own needs for a feeling of "I am important" to being proud of myself for venturing out of my comfort zone to do so. (not easy) but making progress.

I've found myself explaining WHY fill my own needs!! crazy huh? Working on it.

The feelings that I get when I am peaceful and grateful and spiritual feel like me. I believe that this is a part of me that was left behind for many years and is now able to surface. It FEELS authentic and effortless.This however, does not make me a pushover. I now know how to walk away from chaos. I am learning to choose to sooner.

THis is also( the above) a part of me that was never supported by FOO or the psychopath and was never seen by them as valuable.

It is to me. It is part of who I am...and it feels so natural. It is now a priority for me.

Without effort and reminders, I can easily fall back to my old ways. I KEEP trying.I fall and I get back up. Please understand while I am in transition. REMIND me!

I support me...( half of the time) working on more. I feel midway.
I used to want to be my old self again...but not anymore. My new true self looks much more appealing now. WE will see.

TRUTH