Trying

So I went to the therapist today just to come up with a treatment plan. She suggests cognitive therapy. So I will try it. Anything at this point to help me.

I am angry. I am spinning. Knowing he is out there waiting to pounce on me and play games with me. I can feel him energetically ( some of you might not believe in this stuff but I do)

Somehow a post showed up on my son's FB, thought he was blocked not sure what happened. Anyway the post was nothing but the time stamp and place was. He was at her house. I swear he wants me to know, I hate it I hate him!

So now I am spinning. Trying to work on me. I know my head is in two places one in reality one in denial. I had a horrific dream about him last night so much that I can't shake it. I have not dreamed in two months.

In many ways I am getting better with each day of NC.

But I can feel him looming like the darkness he is. Coming closer.

The therapist can't see me for another two weeks. But I have the worksheets to do. My friends are sick of me talking about him. Telling me "you know he is sick, he is not doing this deliberately, just get over it and him"

Everyday I fight through the thoughts. I try to fill my time with me. Even took my kids for ice cream yesterday and had a good time. Didn't think about him.

I read and read and read, I journal, I understand, I cry, I grieve, I work on me, changing my thoughts. So why is he still here in my mind????

I know he will not change. I gave that up. I also gave up saving him, helping him etc. I know everything out of his mouth is a lie. So why does it still hurt.

sorry, just having a bad day, no support today and the CD is back in full force.