Trixy

Hello,
I posted my story before but then took it down as I wanted to make some edits. I am a gay woman over 4 months out of a 2 1/2-year relationship with a woman who I believe to have PD - a mix of BPD and NPD in my opinion, but that's really just based on a ton of reading I have done since I walked away. My ex is seriously messed up and will do anything to protect her very fragile ego. She is manipulative as hell - I think she is almost entirely motivated by her subconscious need to avoid shame. The biggest issue with her is total lack of accountability. Nothing is EVER her fault. When she feels attacked (and the emphasis here is on “feels” – absolutely ANYTHING would get her defence mechanism kick in) she will a. rewrite history- she has an incredible ability to adjust reality to suit her needs, b. make it seem like you are crazy and mean for even suggesting she could do something “wrong” (and this could be something totally innocent like forgetting to buy new toothpaste or whatever and you having the audacity to say something “cruel and nasty” (in her view) like “hey honey, did you get toothpaste?”, or it could be about more serious matters like not making any financial contributions to the shared household and then flipping out when you ask when the first payment might materialize), c. get defensive and tell you of all your faults, d. deflect and start arguing with you about your body language (seriously, the next time someone mentions the position of my eyebrows watch the dust for me running in the other direction), or e. throw a tantrum and break stuff. She once smashed her laptop because I had taken my child to a large toystore without asking her for her permission. (My child was 4 when my ex joined our family set-up, and is coming up for 7 now.) She would also quote imaginary people to back up her argument (“lots of people would agree with me”) and invoke idealized concepts (“clearly you don’t share my values about what it means to be life partners”). One thing I read in a book about narcissism is they often believe in idealized love. OMG. We would have rows go on for days about whether I loved her unconditionally and the clincher: whether I loved her more than I love my son. I have since joining The Path Forward learned about triangulation and I am shocked how much denial I chose in the course of my relationship.

I am genuinely grateful that when my ex and I met she had a drinking problem which led to me joining Al-Anon, the support network for friends and families of alcoholics. I have been with Al-Anon for 2 years now and it is a massive support to me. My ex did give up drinking and I was so proud of her but that pride couldn't last as within 2 months she denied ever having had a problem. So whenever I expressed anything positive about her giving up drinking she would say "well I never really had a problem". It wasn't always like that, sometimes she would be sane and open to discussion, but not often. In a way it was those glimpses of sanity that kept me so hooked. There was always the hope that the sane part of her would conquer. She has been on anxiety medication, anti-depressants and other meds since she was a teenager but no one has ever really been able to diagnose her. They just prescribe her stuff and hope it works. This to me is the clearest indication that she does have PD as she appears undiagnosable. She is completely unpredictable. At the end of her drinking bouts she was on the psych ward for a week and there two separate doctors said she was "thought disordered", something I had often thought myself. About 6 months later she told me that the psychiatrists who had said that "have no idea what they are talking about". Absolutely everyone is dismissed. No one has knowledge superior to hers. She decided that my child had autism and when I had him assessed by a leading autism specialist who said my kid was "quirky" and has ADHD but not autism, my ex said "well that's just her opinion" and kept on insisting my child has autism. (Nothing wrong with children who have autism, but there just wasn't the evidence.) When I would argue with her she'd say I was judgemental of people with disabilities and she would dismiss anything I could say that way. She also told me my child lacks empathy, and I am now realizing the extent to which she was projecting on to him. She would dismiss ANYTHING I said or did that she didn't agree with as me buying into mainstream straight society. That was her tool, to make me feel like a traitor.

Why did I stay? Because I was madly in love with her, because she made me feel like she truly loved me, because when my actions and words met with her approval she put me on the pedestal I have been longing to be on all my life. I was the best thing that had ever happened to this earth, through my work and friendships I was changing the world, etc etc. Part of my recovery is finding out what it is in me that made me need such adoration. I was completely hooked on her admiration of me, and I still miss it like crazy. I am learning to see myself through my own eyes again, but without the judgement I am so used to heaping on to myself. To give myself what I thought I was getting from her: approval.

Realising she was sabotaging my relationship with my child is what gave me the courage and strength to walk away. I have never regretted it though I have missed her terribly. There are days when my longing to see her feels like I am going insane. It is getting a little better now, in part thanks to finding this board and staying NC.