The final chapter?

My journey here has been like everyone else's. Horrible, unbelievable and even after 21 months I am struggling some days. I was due to go to the local carnival a couple of weeks ago but didn't. I told people that I was busy doing other things but the truth was that I was just scared to go incase he was there and I was worried about seeing him. Crazy?!
Anyway things kind of came to a head at the end of last week. I kind of fell apart a bit. I know that my self esteem is a bit rubbish and even though I seem to look as though I have it all figured out now, I don't and it all came back like a big slap in the face. I know my part in the narc relationship , I know that my vulnerability and low self esteem when I met him made me a perfect victim for him, I know that I allowed the abuse to continue due to many deep seated reasons ( that was hard to admit for a long time) and I know that I am still not really over what happened to me.
I sat on Thursday night in tears. My boys were all fast asleep and I just fell into this black hole. Just awful. Thinking about him, the abuse, the injustice of it all, the way he moved on,.... It was horrid and I've not felt anything like this for ages. To be honest I've really dealt with HIM. I went completely NC about 6 weeks after he left, deleted everything to do with him and anyone he introduced me to , changed my numbers, email etc, stopped going to places he would be... Everything . I was feeling great lately and almost healed so what was happening? The flashbacks were coming majorly and I felt terrible.
So Friday morning, I took control again and called my old counsellor from after he left. I was scared because I felt I was going backwards but I had to do something . She was brilliant on the phone and didn't dismiss how I was feeling at all. She made some changes in her diary and next thing, Saturday morning, I'm sat back in her office. I told her everything I was feeling and she asked me what I would like her to do. I said I would like her to flick a switch in my head and remove him as if he had never existed. She smiled , held my hand and said that's not possible but she can help me remove any emotions I have regarding him. That'll do I thought.
Am I a failure? I said, for being here after all this time? She said that facing our fears and wanting to heal is not being a failure , it's becoming a success. So here I am, scared a bit, at the start of 5 weeks of counselling where she says she will help me sort out my self esteem issues, get rid of negative ways of thinking and hopefully at the end of this, I'll feel better than I do right now.
I reckon this isn't falling backwards, maybe it's just what's needed to clear up the loose ends of this journey. Who knows. What I do know is that he will never have control over me again. Not my mind, my body , my thoughts, my actions. Enough now. He's taken up enough of my precious time.
Time to finally sort this out.

Xxxxxx