Down tonight.

Just feel depressed. knot in the stomach sad.

He left a month ago. He's leaving the area. I know...I know. I should be REJOICING and CELEBRATING. But I'm not.

I guess I don't "get it" yet. I can't get my brain and my heart to meet. I mean he's just still so MEAN to me. He always proclaimed "I'm not mad. I'm not angry" after it ended, but the sarcasm, digs, slams, insults, anger comes out. It's just nastiness. I understand the CONTACT = PAIN thing.... the thing I don't understand is how someone who could bring me flowers, tell me all his dreams, talk to me about current events, tell me jokes, eat 1000 dinners with me... SHARE HIS LIFE with mine, how could he turn like a bad dog on me? What the hell did I do that was so bad that now he is treating me like shit?

Because I fought back for myself? Called it like I saw it? That's enough for him to not only leave me, but leave the STATE?

I don't think I will ever truly understand this "disorder"...how someone that was with me for that long could just disregard me, no... not just disregard, but BLAME ME for it. Doesn't he think he's done enough to me to hurt me at this point?