convoluted

After 6 months of interacting with this individual, I was scrambling to understand my own reactions, and wondering whether I, in fact, was the disordered one. This is an email I wrote to a therapist, desperately seeking advice. Really sheds the light on what was taking place:

"firstly, i was not in a relationship with him. each time he has been in my life, he has been unavailable to me in that way, even with intimations of attraction and the knowledge that i reciprocated. we re-connected recently after a 6 month hiatus. sometimes i have a difficult time discerning how i should behave. i've combated a lot of wrong/self-defeating/crazy behavior on my part, as i grew up with abusive parents and have been on a long, long healing/finding clarity/making sense of things journey. i tend to become confused in unclear situations and behave in ways i can later see undermine me/my relationships.

the whole time i've known him he's been emotionally rejecting. he'd write frequently with very flattering messages, "i can't stop thinking about you", "i love your mind", only for me to find out he had an on and off girlfriend. i believed the things he wrote and was very hurt. we then stopped talking as he "fell in love" with that girl. i guess they were back "on." he made his resurgence this time because she broke up with him. so there's this lingering emotional void.

the majority of the time he would tell me to come over, i'd go there and after a short while he would become absorbed in facebook or texting someone; sometimes in the same room i was in, sometimes retreating into his bedroom while i'd sit in the living room alone. the first few times i just said nothing. then, as it made me feel worse, i tried to express my concern directly, "this makes me feel bad. i don't come here to hang out with myself/watch you use the computer." he would say it's just "the way he was". i didn't understand how you could retreat into the virtual world when a real person who came to interact with you. i told him i couldn't imagine behaving that way if i invited someone to my place. he seldom opened up to me with his thoughts, hopes, dreams. these things became a major point of contention for me. now i keep reading articles about borderline disorder and how a bpd person will want a lot of attention. i'm wondering, am *i* the one with this problem, since i wanted the attention and sharing from him? i mean i was to the point of essentially pleading with him for those things. not actually saying "pleeeease share with me" but constantly questioning why he doesn't, and castigating him for disappearing into the computer. i am genuinely confused about my interactions with him, and lately have been in a deep depression after these interactions. thank you for your time and help."