Rationalization.....

I have this key that was given to me at a dinner several years ago with a quote attached "rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity"... (big book pg 550) YOU ARE FREE!

So I was at this dinner on one of my "outs" with xN. And I remember reading this time and time again for weeks after and thinking yeah! this is right. But just not quite being able to put it all together, ... and I did go another couple rounds with the xN after that.

I am just past 9 months NC. About 97% of the time I am feeling really good and getting on with things. Sleeping well, staying busy, doing the work, and praying regularly to be open to new ideas and things. And, even with its ups and downs that my life brings with my 'circumstances', I am really quite content these days.

I had a friend offer to anonymously mail a letter to OW address or FB OW using generic account. I sat on that for a while and then emailed my friend and said no thanks. For a number of reasons: 1. it wouldn't matter what was said in the letter or email, 2. the retailiation may be more than I could handle and I have my kids to think about 3. if she is supposed to figure it out, she will, in her own time.

I did have what I think was a "spotting" again. But I can't be sure. But what I do know for sure is it really looked like him (I was driving one way, he was driving the other), and I barely flinched. Just kept on going and had some thoughts:

It's 8AM, what is he doing here?
Why was he wearing a white shirt and tie?
HAHAHA - maybe he lost his job and is on an interview
Maybe the OW actually moved up here and is commuting to her job (dopey woman)

then, out loud, really loud I say WHO THE FUCK CARES ROUND3! and off I go to have my day.

So... 9 months. I have yet to get to so some sort of stage where I don't wish ill will on xN. Because I do. That may never go away. I do know I don't spend time drumming up ideas anymore. They are flashes in the pan and only if he is mentioned or the very infrequent passing happens.

I see so many new people here. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy they found us, and sad there are more people enduring what I endured and even worse things others here have endured.

Spring has sprung where I live and I try to get up each day and make a gratitude list still and on my list still goes "Thank you God, for setting me free and showing me the path so that I may try every day to be the person you would have me be".

Welcome newcomers!

round3