secondchance story
secondchance story
Well, I have been reading on this site for a couple of months and finally had the time and energy to sit down and write. My story is a long one - 23 years too long! When I write that I almost can't believe it myself. My can't be soon enough ex met 23 years ago and he literally swept me off my feet. We had only been dating a month or so when he asked me to marry him. It seemed too soon so I said let's wait and then he asked me again after 4 months and I said yes. My friends loved him. He was so nice to everyone. Really seemed to care about me. I had a HUGE life then. Lots of friends. I had been in 10 weddings by this point. Was involved in tons of charities and even on state Boards for things, volunteered at the museum, and had a career that I liked. He seemed to have no friends but had just moved to my area after being gone for awhile so it sort of made sense. As we started planning the wedding it became more obvious that he really didn't have any friends since he could barely come up with 3 groomsmen. Anyway, he owned a home and during our engagement I moved in and we remodeled it and were planning our wedding. I came home one day in the afternoon and found him blacked out drunk. Huge red flag I know! I seriously just thought it was a one time thing but boy was I wrong. He also had a crazy mother who immediately started torturing me. Should I have run - yes! We got married and he left our honeymoon to get drunk. I should mention here that I grew up with an alcoholic father but not this drink alone kind so I really didn't recognize it. Over the next few years he would get drunk by himself every 6 months like clockwork! The story never varied. I would come home from wherever to find him drunk. Not have a beer watching a football game but drunk. He would deny being drunk, accuse me of being a crazy, suspicious b, scream at me and more. The next day there was NO REMORSE, NOTHING. Why I didn't think this was completely crazy I am still asking myself. I got pregnant with our first child and we moved back to my hometown and ended up living near my parents which was nice. His drinking continued and he would through in drinking too much at events that were important to me. Nothing that could make him look bad to his family. I was very busy with our daughter and then we had a son. I had continued my volunteering and was very active in the community and I guess I was distracting myself from how bad everything really was with him. After 9 years of marriage we moved to his hometown. Things continued in this way with the drinking, lying,name calling, etc. He started businesses without asking me and then called me unsupportive if i didn't go alone with everything. We had a horrible 4th of July where he was horribly drunk and my kids called him out. He actually fought with them too. No remorse at all! After 18 years of this I was literally not myself. I was happy with my friends and activities and was faking it enough but so shut down inside. Also I should add that I never told anyone about what was going on in our household. I was too embarrassed and just kept hoping he would change. He kept telling me that I had to change and threatening me with divorce. We went to a therapist and when she wouldn't fix me he stormed out and threw a check at her. Then things got really crazy. He wrote a letter to my family and to his family that was completely lies. He went behind my back and met with both families and basically made me look like a crazy shrew. I found out just after the letter came out that he was in the middle of an affair. I should also add that ALL THESE YEARS his mom would call him and complain about me and he would repeat everything to me and still insist that I see her and be polite to her. I was never really rude to her but she is really crazy and wanted me to completely be fawning over her and I was just a little more reserved. So...the affair came out and I actually went to his parents to tell my side of the story and for once his mom called him out and told him to fix things. (That lasted a day and then she was back bashing me!) We found an amazing therapist and started in. Right away he told her that she needed to fix me. She said let's see what has been happening. Well obviously the focus was on him from then on. We had 18 months with her at that time. Up and down with him and back and forth. Crazy to think back now about all those sessions. I told my mom that if there were transcripts she would be blown away. She couldn't even get him to agree about what was lying and what wasn't. He would say things like, "It was the truth to me!" She would occasionally ask to see me alone and he would say "finally you are going to work on her" and then when I saw her it would really be to ask me what in the world had happened in my childhood to make me put up with this. She told him that I had no voice in our marriage. We continued to work on things. I was just bound and determined to stay married. I come from a divorced family and I just didn't want to do that to my kids. There were so many issues in those 18 months - more lying, nonsense with the kids, etc. However, we turned a corner and I was actually optimistic about things so much so that at the end of that 18 months we "graduated" from therapy and thanked the dr. for saving our marriage. She told me "you're not done" but I didn't want to hear that. Withing 2 months everything started again - lying, nonsense with his mom, drunkenness, driving drunk with my son, more lying. The dr. called me at home and said "stop being a little girl, get a backbone and stop being abused" and it still took me 3 more months to get the courage to ask him to move out. That was last November. After that I felt such relief! By now my daughter is away at college and my son is a junior in high school. For a fleeing moment I thought maybe it was just me and he will be okay with the kids but then things started happening with them. I called the dr. to get some advice on how to handle things with the kids and I finally asked her what she had diagnosed him with and she said "narcissistic personality disorder." Well I looked on the internet and oh my God it was my life. She had never told me before because I kept saying I wanted to be married to him and she never told him because what would be the point. Currently my daughter isn't speaking to him and my son has only seen him a little. He pretends like he is super dad though. Really has his family faked out! He actually took our 16 year old son out to dinner last month and out of the blue told him that I wasn't having sex with him, and he was angry and so he had an affair! Honestly, this is why I hung in there so long. Could never have co-parented with him!! Lots more to write of course since this is brief and my marriage lasted 21 1/2 years. I am currently 4 1/2 months away from being officially free and I know things will get worse before they get better as far as property settlement but I feel pretty good. I actually look better than I have in years and am looking forward to the rest of my life.
Done with him!
Secondchance
Our stories are quite similar................
Way To Go Lady!!!!!!!!!!!!
welcome second chance
Quick thought
Nothanx
Drama
nothanx