Baby steps will hopefully keep me going :)

Hello everyone,
I haven't posted in a while because I really had to get my head in the game and started NC since my last post. I have been NC for exactly two weeks now. It was 2.5 weeks ago that he told me he doesn't love me "as much" as he did. I got up, grabbed my coat and left. Spoke about his ill grandmother over the next few days thru text. My friend saw him on a dating site so I confronted him. He admitted it and tried to tell me he was bored. Then it was that he likes to talk to and text new people. I said ok, that's enough. Hung up the phone. Two days later he txts to update me on his gram. I say thats great. He starts telling me about spaghetti sauce that is on sale. WTH? I say huh. He says "this is what I use in my spaghetti that you like." I say go make it for your online dates and go text them. He said ok. I sent a copy of that little text between us to him and said keep this forever with a smilie. That was it.

I have had these two weeks to think about ALL the negative things he has done to me, said to me, the lies. The hundreds of lies I'm sure... He has been hoovering indirectly through our friends facebook pages. Friends he hasn't talked to that I have known longer. Messaged one about some random thing on the news. We guess it's bc he knows that she and I talk often and word would get back to me. At this point it doesn't matter bc I have nothing to say. The lowest blow was dealt by him and when I feel weak all I have to do is remind myself now that there is no reason to go back or to try and talk. The man said it himself, he doesn't love me as much as he did. (that's fine bc I am convinced he never did, seeing as how he is incapable of anything other than whacking off) It sucks but I am content knowing that I did everything I thought I should to make it work.

I go back and forth wondering if it was my fault as he made it sound to be, but deep in my head and heart I know it is not. I just have to keep reminding myself. I have never gone this long without caving and contacting him. I'm sure he has expected me to cave by now and is possibly wondering why I haven't. And even if he's not thinking of me I must say this is another thing that makes me keep from caving.The fact that what I am doing is unexpected and very unlike me. Reinventing the new me. I have noticed that my anxiety is almost non-existent except for when I wake in the mornings. My list of negatives grows more and more each day. I am having a hard time remembering anything good that happend while I was with him. I always had a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach while I was in contact with him. Around him, away from him, dating, not dating. It was there.

Anytime I feel crappy I come here and read, and read and read. I bought a book. I bought Lisa's book as well. My friends are great. I know that it will never ever work with this man. I also am remembering a time when he said in the past: "this will never work with us bc we know way too much about eachother and can use it against eachother." At the time I smiled and questioned him. Of course he wouldn't elaborate. The dick inadvertently admitted his scheme. I wish I would have known about Ns back then. Another time he said that "I know way too much." (in reference to when he was talking to a female friend) He said that "I'm good." I said I know him better than he knows himself. He didn't like that. All this is coming back to me now.... And I use it as strength now.

Lord, I hope I never cave. There is no future, only hurt if I do. I know this now. I can see clearly just by stepping back a tiny bit for this short amount of time. I hope I am not jinxing myself. Now that I think about it, he has done this to three women before me. Everytime I asked about them the story changed. They are so lucky they got out. One he still uses as supply to give him advice supposedly. (Tell her how he is a martyr I am sure)... He lied to them while he was with me. I was so blind thinking I could have changed him and just as it was mentioned in another post, I too saw it as a challenge and wanted to prove something to myself. I did tell him in the end that I was exhausted and I give up....

Sorry so long, thank you so much for everything ladies. The last time I posted really made me feel wishy washy and I knew I had to let that be the last time. He's blocked and deleted from my email etc. yet again. And no inadvertent hoover will get me to contact him. There's no point to talk to it again. I was in love with an idea of what I wanted for so long, I can honestly say I'm not sure if I even loved him. My problem is I was fearing rejection, while all the while I was getting rejected anyway hah.