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Betrayal: The Feeling of Being Broken

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#1 Feb 20 - 2PM
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

Betrayal: The Feeling of Being Broken

I just read the post at Sancturary for the Abused re: Betrayal. I just finished confiding in a friend how horrible I feel about what was a huge betrayal in a relationship with a daughter.

I don't even have words to express what feels like she 'broke something' so severely, irreperably that I do not even desire to heal, overcome, transcend this time. She demonstrated to me repeatedly she is not to believed nor trusted.

I am broken again and I don't care to put myself back together this time. This is what bothers me more...something died in me. It was a last straw , a broken ending after being told it was a new beginning to build trust.

Maybe equally, I feel broken for when people destroy something..then lie you did it that breaks other relationships also. This time I want to leave things broken..and hibernate. I doubt I'll even make any efforts to have friends either. Too bad we don't know in advance what our breaking point is.

Feb 20 - 6PM
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm so sorry Peacewarrior

and others. The betrayal is the part that is still there for me too! I do hope/ pray it can fade in time. But for now it is my biggest hurdle.
Feb 20 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

emotional rape

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/what-is-emotional-rape-emotional-rape.html ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 20 - 3PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

BEN

he was the love of my life.....a fifteen year old one eyed chocolate lab mix....who had survived liver cancer....but couldn't survive an attack by a psychopath.....the monster smothered him to death in his own bed...on Valentine's Day 2007....he hated anything that i loved, or who loved me...including my pets... there is no Hell hot enough for these bastards....and no death horrible enough......
Feb 20 - 2PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

betrayal........

your post brought tears to my eyes......and resonated with me......i too feel completely broken.....shattered into a million bits....the betrayals were so many......and so horrible.....that when people tell me 'it will get better'.....'you'll get over it in time'......no matter how well meaning they may or may not be.....i just want to scream.....i feel completely utterly destroyed......the day the psychopath murdered my beloved dog.....he murdered me too.....it has been three years now....and it hasn't gotten one bit better....because there has been no Justice....for BEN or for me....the psycho destroyed me in every way...financially, physcially, emotionally...the wounds are so deep.....that i know i will never recover..... my heart goes out to you, peacewarrior.....
Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Betrayal

I mourn for the betrayal everyday that was done to me, sometimes you cant fix everything these sick people did to us. I love my little animals dearly, what kind of dog was Ben? He sure had a master who loved him very very much, this made me cry and I dont even know your or your beloved dog I cant stand to see an animal hurt, lately I have found my animals give me more than most people, they always love you and will never betray us. I know the tears I cry today are because of the betrayal and not over him but the deep violation of my love and trust, when you mess with that to this level you dont know where to begin to fix it.
Feb 20 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
angelgal
angelgal's picture

The Violation

Is so deep. I feel so violated that "fireguy" could have sex with me KNOWING he had the long distance gf and kept it from me. HE HAD NO RIGHT to be with me SEXUALLY or in any way shape or form. He had NO RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME!! Its messed me up so bad! HE HAS NO IDEA and doesn't care! I don't know where to begin to mend all this...and he doesn't give a shit and is sooo unaffected by what he has done to me! The thought of being touched or doing anything sexually with another guy or when I have thoughts of the times with fireguy...makes me sooo anxious and uncomfortable inside! I shake and just want to hide and withdraw. The flashbacks of all the things we did sexually, and how sick and perverted he was, how he used me, just make me sooo sick and want to crumble to the ground. He use to have a drawer with lube and sex stuff...I remember the day we were in his room and he told me to open it, I got this "sick feeling" like I could vomit, when I opened the drawer. I really felt like something was really seriously wrong with him after I opened it, it just hit me! He use to talk about wanting anal sex with me...and that he did it with his ex gf all the time(but she wasn't really his ex)and then being with me sexually and then being with her, too, I'm sure doing all the SAME things he did with me... it all has me so traumatized! He use to tell me "he could f without a conscience"...and when I asked him if he ever "hooked up with girls", he said, "yes", and then they would get up and leave afterwards". It left SHIVERS down my spine. How could he treat any girl this way? I WANT HIM TO SUFFER SO BAD!! I don't know if I will ever ever be able to get that "normal desire" back. I am repulsed by the thought or act of sex. How can he get OR ALL THESE PIGS get away with all their violations?? Oh, please, tell me their day will come?
Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Violation

Hi, I can really, REALLY relate to what you're feeling. My ex...I thought he was so awesome, I left another relationship for him. I didn't know he was married. Looking back, I can't imagine how he could be with me while hiding that from me. For over 2 years. How he could look in my eyes, be that close with me, and be stabbing me in the back at the same time. I asked him once, after I found out, and he told me he just didn't think about it that way. That he "sort of deluded himself". I really can't understand their ability to compartmentalize in that way. To that degree. There's no way that I could take advantage of someone who clearly loves me knowing that I'm not really available for them or wanting to be with them. I just don't have it in me. I really feel for you. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will heal. Time heals and new love heals. You will be able to trust again. And with the right person it won't feel like fear and apprehension. You'll feel safe. Hang in there, you have a good heart. You deserve to be loved and treasured, protected.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
angelgal
angelgal's picture

Venus...there's no way...

"There's no way that I could take advantage of someone who clearly loves me knowing that I'm not really available for them or wanting to be with them". EXACTLY!! This is what makes this whole thing that much worse! The KNOWING!! They are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE guys!! They cannot be "normal" to do things like this to us. I am sooo sorry for what your ex did to you. Yes, to look into your eyes and be with you so intimately, while hiding another woman is horrifying! I really feel for you as well, Venus! You deserve all the love in the world, too, sweet girl! Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. :)
Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sweet Angelgal

You are feeling the SAME things I am, there is ALWAYS another woman ALWAYS, GF, WIFE, who cares what title they call them,. always another victim in the wrenches. Lets see our 2nd encounter he brought this huge green sex toy you stick up your buttox make me almost puke too, and yes a special drawer full of porn tapes, lube, toys, what ever happened to making love, we will call it their F--k drawers for their victims. I think we all needed to express our pain here with betrayal, betrayal of our bodies and what they were used for and betrayal that it all was an act and we just played a part our part was to love them but that was not an act that was the real thing and these pigs dont even deserve to live with the rest of society they should be locked up. We cant let a sick person shape our view of what the rest of the society is like, they are out there but they are not among the norm they must hide under rocks and crawl out like snakes to prey. God bless little Ben who was another innocent victim. Their day will come, and so will ours our day of recovery.
Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

violated

I too just feel so violated. That I took that monster inside my heart & literally inside my body. It is very hard for me to imagine allowing any male to get close to me again. I am just not interested.
Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
angelgal
angelgal's picture

Agnesmurphy17

It really is sooo scary to imagine the closeness of another male, my stomach turns when I think about it. I am so disconnected inside, I don't know when or if I will ever truly be "interested" again? I'm sorry that someone made you feel so violated this way, too. May they both burn in hell!
Feb 21 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

It is so sad your dog was

It is so sad your dog was snuffed out as a means to hurt you. Maybe you can take heart that most people chose to relieve suffering or at least 'do no harm'. Infidelity that is betrayal due to promises of fidelity is a huge breech in trust. Aside from the act of infidelity are all of those lies which also are betrayal to deceive to be unfaithful. I realized what also broke me was the person who betrayed me and me to others did not ever extend to me any belief or trust in me. Trust and faith is a gift we chose to give. Once given we need to let go of the outcome for we can not control what another will do with it. People have their individual limits as to what is a 'deal breaker". It hit me that it is well and good to practice forgiveness and again extend trust to a person. When a person takes trust and breaks it, dismisses or throws it away then comes down on you as if you have "the issue" it is time to walk away. There are personalities that are deluded they are entitled to claim and get revered as having amazing character. They can destroy trust repeatedly and then twist it's something wrong with you to no longer believe or trust them. I read it's normal at first to self examine and try to seek something one could have done to prevent it or might have done that contributed to the betrayal. I have found it extremely stressful to "be on guard" with people one can seldom believe what they say and seldom do they do what they say they will. At first I beat myself up for having believed this person and "letting my guard down". This was in a situation of a major life event, once in a lifetime with this person so I had fair reason to believe her. It's normal to beat ourselves up for the little red flags we minimized or overlooked choosing to believe or not want to take negatively. Hindsight wisdom is a real bitch, eh? Dr. Phil says past behavior is the greatest indicator of future behavior. People who are incapable of lerning lessons prefer to delete their history, not change their behavior.
Feb 25 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

very hard........

what's very hard is knowing that people are still enabling him....propping him up.....even some who know what he's done... i as a victim, have been shunned and ostracized by many people....and blamed for his behavior....while he strolls away unscathed..... he's never punished....ever..he's gotten away with everything he's ever done.....i always believe that good triumphs over evil.......he's even robbed me of that....