i've sat here agonizing over what to write you for many precious hours.
i've virtual stacks upon stacks of letters that i've written to you over the last 3 years, and the truth of the matter is, i don't know that there is anything left to say.
i suppose i should fashion a goodbye to the "you" whom i fell in love with- he bears no resemblance to the creature i've come to be familiar with the last year. he was good, and kind. loving and open. he promised me things that i never dared think could be mine. he held me and comforted me. he laughed and shared his thoughts with me. he made me feel safe, for the first time in my life, and made me think that everything might be alright after all.
the trouble is, i said goodbye to that persona well before you discarded me. he has remained in my consciousness, taunting and teasing me. confusing me. i can't, at this point, even superimpose the image of that person onto the creature that you have become- a cold-eyed, manic-smiled demon. the barest outline of the creature you presented me remains, but the substance has been laid waste.
you are, to me, a demon. that is what i'm coming to terms with now. there was a demon in my bed, in my home, in my psyche, for 2 years. you left your toxic taint upon nearly every surface of my home and psyche. there were times over the last year that i truly did not think i would make it. there were many times over the last year when i truly did not WANT to make it.
but here i sit. nearly a year to the day since you dropped me, and i find, after 3 years of running myself ragged trying to make sense of this all, that i simply do not have the energy to expend upon you anymore. truly.
you have exhausted me.
daily, my energy- once directed towards you, is beginning to flow to different things. my mind, so obsessively directed towards you, could not be bothered, for the last year, to do even the simplest of things- even reading a book, my lifelong love, was near impossible. slowly, the joy is seeping back into me. i'm starting to remember that i ever was a joyful creature, before you latched onto me.
and i'm starting to see that i will be a joyful creature again. without you.
in the end, i suppose i should thank you. you have helped me, now, turn my focus onto myself. i've never really done that before, and that, i see now, can only lead to good things. you have also opened my eyes in many ways. i admit i was a bit of a pollyanna before meeting you, but i now know that there really is evil in this world. perhaps not quite the evil we're fed in storybooks, but evil, nonetheless. and a more insidious, nefarious evil, at that. my guard is now up, and, again, that can only be good moving forward.
and so i say goodbye to you. to your face, once so heartbreakingly beautiful to me. to your smell. to the fictional you that we created together. i thank you for the short, lovely time we had together before the mask dropped. i thank you for the brief period of love you showered upon me- you'll never know how good you made me feel. i thank the universe for seeing me through.
i thank myself for seeing me through.