Going on a date

Well I'm going on a first date Friday. I friended the guy on facebook because I thought he was cute and we had some mutual friends from one of my old jobs. We chatted a bit and last night he called and asked me out.

While a part of me is really ecstatic to get back out there, another part of me is really sad and scared. I did briefly date a guy last year during one of my many attempts to break from my N, but the N came back around. And when he came back around I realized the guy I was with didn't give me the same feelings and he wasn't very exciting. I didn't even want to sleep with him really. So we ended up breaking up and I let the N come back and sure enough after one night of sex he went MIA and so the games began again.

At this point I've been two months NC. It seems my emotions are doing the same thing that everyone else's is doing on here: some days its easy, some days its tough. I guess this would classify as a tough day.

I'm at a time in my life where I just need to move on. I want to have a great guy someday and I'd like a family. But for so long I believed it would be the N. It's like every day that goes by a little piece of that dream dies. Maybe I miss the dream?

Another reason I'm scared about potentially getting involved with someone new is that the N will find out and come back again. And questions run through my head. Will he come back? How will I handle it if he does? Why do I care?

And my biggest fear is what if he doesn't come back? And again why do I care? Why am I so afraid of the unknown but so comfortable with the pain of the past? I know what he is, I know he's bad for me and I KNOW it can never be what I wanted it to be.

Well I guess one thing I got out of writing this is that my true fear is that he won't come back. I won't get validation. Is that selfish to want it? I guess that's a step though, to recognize your fears then deal with them head on. Healing is a bitch.

I really hope I'm not attracted to bad guys that do bad things. I've had many bad relationships (NONE as bad as with the N though) and I hope I don't push away a nice guy because I'm so familiar with pain. I don't know. I guess the only option is to move forward and find out.