move to Dallas update

They say getting outside your comfort zone helps us move forward. If that's the case, I should be moving forward because I have never been further outside my comfort zone!

I moved to Dallas last Thursday to get away from a toxic environment where I was bumping into my ex and her multiple other d-bag guys several times a week/night. It was incredibly painful to see her true colors, e.g., watching her further tarnish her "better than everyone" reputation as she dates the biggest adulterer in town. To see the girl, at least the face of the one I fell in love with, do this to herself was the roughest thing I've ever experienced... People say I should be glad, but I'm far from it. I'm in shock. I realize this pain is a result of being an idealist instead of a realist. The fact is that she's always been about money.

So, in Dallas, I have no triggers due to places or people, which is great, but my mind is still here. Thus, I'm working on thought control and letting go. It's been 6 months and I'm still struggling. There are times when I have momentary flashes of clarity, e.g, last night as I was falling asleep I remembered the negatives instead of the positives. But, when my mind is clear and I'm happy, she'll pop into my head for no reason and I'm filled with anxiety.

I saw a movie in a theater by myself for the first time last night and have dining by myself every day. It's lonely, but I'm getting to know me again. The fact is that I'm a resourceful, strong individual who gave his power to a condescending, judgmental energy vampire. I'm still disappointed in myself for this, but am working on forgiveness. I wish I could speed things up a bit. I expect Dallas will help.

Before I left, at my last appt, my counselor asked me to text her when I "see the light," that is, when I finally see this as a blessing in disguise. The fact is that I miss her kisses every night and morning, and her morning "I love yous." At the time, I didn't realize she can't love, at least not deeply. I miss the physical and emotional connections, at least the illusion of such. I've said it before, but this reminds me of The Matrix. What pill would you rather take? The one that allows you to live in a dream world or the one that allows you to live in reality. To be honest, I'd rather have the dream world right now, at least if it would never end. We all know, however, that with Ns, it all comes crashing down eventually. Damn, that illusion was incredible!

Thanks for reading and for your support. Journaling, esp for all to see, is definitely therapeutic.

FemNarc[s suck]