That time of year

I could do with some support today. It's a year since I first saw the narcopath after a gap of two years. I did not understand what he was, so I didn't have him blocked, I just deleted his number. It was such an abrupt D & D last time I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. I got sucked back in for another round. This time he really ramped it up, talked about marriage, meeting his kids etc. using them as a lure. I won't go into detail as I've already posted about this, but my past is in many ways a mirror of his situation, which is partly why the pull was so strong.

It was only a matter of weeks before he pulled away and did the D & D again and silence. It was like being banished. It was him telling me to shut up. There was nothing I felt I could say. I met silence with silence. I still feel banished somehow. I have been 10 months NC and I have blocked him all around. I am still feeling the pain and the shame, like a horrible secret I carry with me. I am ashamed I told him I loved him and believed his BS. I don’t want this shame. I need to cut it loose.

I found myself crying in the car yesterday thinking about it all. I went to bed early last night just so I could sleep through the evening rather than play it over in my head. I was angry for a long time and that was easier to deal with in a way. I know what he is. A sociopath (his words, not mine), a player, a user who despises people, someone with no scruples who is emotionally unavailable. He is totally disordered. I feel like I'm reliving what happened last year. He belongs in the past, not the present. I have had to fight to stay strong and keep moving forward. I need to know I will get through this. I need to feel like I have made some progress; right now I don’t.